Now I see Why I Couldn't Go....

...to Europe for my birthday, that is.

For months, I tried to get up the motivation to plan...to celebrate.  It just wasn't happening.  Finally, I made a reluctant peace with "the ordinary"  a few weeks before the day came.  Then we found out about The Merge Summit in L.A.  Wasn't exactly excited because a conference type event, even with celebs...wasn't my idea of a birthday celebration.  But I agreed we, The Anointed Harvesters, needed to be there so I added it to the calendar with a lukewarm enthusiasm.  And although grateful for the gestures, gifts and presence of family and friends, right before the summit, I road through my birthday weekend activities not fully feeling the moments...pressing through that stupid numbness again.

As soon as we hit the opening night of the summit with Mali Music and Jonathan Butler...I felt something.  "This is different." In fact, shortly before entering, we met Pastor Toure' Roberts...someone who I had heard of but wasn't too familiar with.  Apparently he's on Rock Star status in that world. Who knew?  He said "This is your first time?  Your life will be changed after this event..it really will be."

yeah yeah yeah...sigh.

But you know what, session after session proved the words to be true.  Celebs like Common, Mikki Taylor from Essence Mag, Boris Kodjoe,  Nate Parker, Devon Franklin, Meagan Goode, Derek Luke...and so many others made one thing very clear.  The fulfillment of my destiny...of my purpose has absolutely NOTHING to do with me and my personal self-fullfillment.  But has EVERYTHING to do with fulfillment of what GOD purposed...His plan...His BIG PICTURE.  So my gifts, as they are discovered and developed and explored, are for The People...and not JUST for self fulfillment and expression.  A piece of a very intricate and uniquely constructed pie.

Today at the African Fest, we screened our stageplay The Falls during the Faith and Hollywood segment in the Film Pavilion.  I was introduced to an interesting woman who called herself a spiritual healer, intuitive and empath.  (Ummm...ok. **side eye**)  She asked my first name, which she spelled correctly without me telling her (RARE...) and began to tell me about myself....

"You like to...have to....have structure.  You like things a certain way..."

"You think people should know what you know...and you talk to them that way assuming they know.  And they don't know.  And you don't understand why they don't know...so it comes off as...being a "Know It All"...but you really don't mean any harm."

"You are very strong in finances....you are very strong creatively...and that creativity is going to make you a lot of money. You are very powerful."

"You can have addictive tendencies...whether to food, relationships or the type of men...."

"You are very good at playing devil's advocate...getting people to look at things from different angles"

"You are a leader....and if you are in a space and something is not being done correctly, by default you will take over."

Then she asked how did she do.  I just stood there, pondering, while my mother and friend stared at me with these big cheesy grins.  Not to say I agree with EVERY-THANG that she said (clears throat)...but I really have been in a space of self-reflection and analyzing...how I see and am seen.  My "branding".  And with that, honoring my 40 years of life, I've decided to go on a 40 day consecration of ME.  Mind, body, spirit, soul.

I started this blog in August 2009 as a place of expression, growth and relating.  I had just turned 35 and had no idea of the adventure ahead of me.  A year later, I prophesied...

"I feel a change coming....and at 36, I'm all for change.  Stay tuned....it's about to get interesting....:-)."

And did it ever!

Now, I prepare for yet more change....strapping on my safety belt and gripping the well worn cushioned bars for a new decade of life.  As long as The I AM is with me, I will ride out this next leg of my race fearlessly...purposely expecting more sunshine than rain, more pleasure than pain, more laughter than sorrow...more hope for my tomorrows.  

I'm 40.  Wow. :-)

bite of the day ~ Good-bye thirtiesgirl.  It's been real.  Look out for my new incarnation...COMING SOON. :-)

thirtiesgirl

Birthday Blues...

"You want TOO MUCH!!!"

-Mia Farrow in The Great Gatsby

I had this grandiose plan for my 40th.  I'm talking international trippin', baby!  Family, friends all invited...time, money and the ability to have a GREAT TIME would be the only prerequisites.  I was to have the details of this fabulous and ultimate birthday celebration locked down by LAST August, in order to give folks plenty of time to stack the dollars, and if applicable, find some unsuspecting but safe sucker to watch the kids for 7-10 days.  Of course, I did not do this.  As a matter of fact, here I sit WEEKS away from my birthday and not only have I not booked a trip...I haven't even decided on a destination! Worse than that....I JUST, after nearly 2 years since my name change, sent in for a corrected passport.  This is beyond procrastination.  Sigh.

 I am truly looking forward to turning 40.  I honestly feel something huge and wonderful is on the horizon in my life.  At the same time, I can't shake this nagging...anxious feeling.  Why am I dragging my feet?  Why the indecisiveness?  I think I finally got it.

i don't want my birthday to suck.

Let me explain.  My 18th sucked.  My 21st double SUCKED.  I don't remember my 30th...and maybe because by that time I had changed my attitude about my birthday.  I stopped expecting it to be special...and I surely stopped expecting anyone else to make it special.  I started just being grateful to be alive and healthy and sane (halfway at least lol)...and because my expectations were no longer high, I started actually enjoying my birthdays.  I had plans or I didn't.  I just started flowing with it.

But this 40th...it seems it's too major to just fly by the seat of my pants.  It's too much of a milestone to NOT be marked with something different and special and exciting!!!  Yet every time I've attempted to even think about a plan, I feel drained.  Tired.  Unmotivated.  Why???

I talked to my father about it during his summer visit.  He of course asked me questions until I wanted to scream...forcing me to get to the root.  The conclusion?  I believe, while I'm looking forward to turning 40 and I have many great things presently and on the horizon, like so many others...

life is not what I thought it would be at 40...

I had no vision of going to Paris or Rome or Madrid without a ringed hand clasping mine...or even a ring less hand attached to someone I was in deep LIKE with.  Calling home to check on the "mini me and him".  Call the agent to say hold the contract until we get back.  Real Talk.  Perhaps this is why it took me so long to update my passport and why I haven't been able to decide on a trip.  It's not that I still want to be the name on the passport because I don't. It's simply that I didn't think I would be in this place PERIOD by this scene of my life's play. 

I don't know.  Maybe I can just ride this birthday out and let it be what it's going to be without forcing The Fabulous.  Because anything forced still will not make the cut in my mind.  Do I want too much?  Perhaps.  But...um....so?

bite of the day ~ Life may not be how you imagined, but if you are still on the upside of the ground, it is  ALL GOOD.  There's still a chance to make your dreams come true.  And as the old folks say, it could ALWAYS be so much worse.  I'm blessed.

thirtiesgirl

I hate Religion.

Meaningless rituals. Cookie Cut.  Evaporate Your Mind.  Demolish Thinking for Yourself.

RELIGION.

Sunday.

I had decided not to rush my mother out the door after church service, which is what I usually do.  After all it was her birthday so the day was hers to do as she pleased.  Part of my gift was a patient attitude as she took FULL advantage of the opportunity.  After about 45 minutes of "fellowshipping with the saints", we were finally about to leave.  Suddenly another sister approached us...and she was a talkative one.  But I enjoyed her light and humorous personality.  After a while, my rockstar mother was approached by yet another person and I was left with the talkative sister who was now recapping the event that our arts nonprofit, The Anointed Harvesters, hosted last year with Rising Star Christian Keyes.  Then it happened...

"But I do have a bone to pick with you.  Now I know how to break it down...God had to deliver me.  But when y'all played that WORLDLY music...I was really offended.  Cause I thought this was a Christian event.  I'm a holy vessel and I've been keeping myself sexually pure ever since my husband passed away.  I can't do that listening to no BRICKHOUSE."  

She then broke into a rendition of the Commodore's classic right then and there.  And a demonstration of her "breaking it down". Sigh.  Now anyone who knows me, knows that my face is very expressive so I had to quickly put on my acting skills and business hat because, although I didn't initially realize it, she was very serious. And she wasn't just talking to me.  She was talking to The Anointed Harvesters.  I listened as she expressed why it was wrong and a contradiction and not representative and how she's a role model and how the young ones get confused, spirits disturbed and possibly offended too when they witness Christians listening to secular music and how we shouldn't play anything we wouldn't play in front of Pastor.

I listened...truly understood and graciously apologized that she was offended.  Then I explained to her in so many words that I'M NOT RELIGIOUS.  

Quite frankly, I had to stop myself from screaming in her face the date, time and place I last had sex...with my young vibrant affectionate hot blooded self.  It's been YEARS, sista.  YEARSSSS!..and my sexuality and sensuality is increasing by the moment.  So don't insult me by assuming that I'm not walking in holiness because I like stilettos, a sexy black dress and Earth Wind & Fire! (Don't push me cause I'm close to the edge...lol).  I'm a role model, who has never sought to be one.  I'm a Jesus Freak who has NEVER cared who knows it.  I live my life before Him, not because of RELIGION but relationship.  AND I love Israel Houghton...and Stevie Wonder.  Canton Jones....and Common.  I am the same in front of the homeless person and the celebrity.  

If I roll up in front of the church house bumping Jill Scott and Pastor walks out...Jill will continue....with the windows down.  RESPECT.

bite of the day ~ We must all live from the INSIDE out.  Everyone has their buttons or weak spots that can derail them.  We should not judge others or become offended at them based on our own weaknesses. As for me, I'm finding God where ever I can.  Sometimes, He's in Rachelle Ferrell's voice...other times, He speaks to me through Yolanda Adams.  And then there's times it's simply about the song! Free yo-self.

thirtiesgirl

mourning maya angelou

"Maya rocked me to sleep and I napped.  Don't remember the last time I took a nap....on a Thursday."

I am in mourning.  Maya Angelou passed on May 28, 2014...and I am now digesting her life through her books.  This is how I grieve.  Overwhelming desire takes hold of me to expose myself to the presence by any means available in search of greatness...and knowing.  I have always loved Maya Angelou and her words.  Her most famous poems, Still I Rise and Phenomenal Woman, I have read and recited and referenced over the years....grabbing hold to their meaning at moments when I felt less than prodigious.  

Yet as I make my way through the second book, "The Heart of A Woman", I realize that I had a faulty image of this woman.  She was not JUST the proper speaking wisdom-personified intellectual with a powerful way with words, whose image has been stamped in my mind since my pre-teen years. All that she was...was hard earned. Complex...and fierce. Frightened and Sensitive.  Courageous and sexual. Yes...sensual.  A WOMAN.  And I never saw her as such.

As I read, I am grateful for the words left behind and the clarity they bring.  The adventures....

"Ssshh.  I'm having my baked chicken & broccoli in Harlem this evening...with the writer's guild.  We're reading our very first stageplay OUT LOUD." 

I'd never been to Harlem...until Maya took me there last night.  And after I've gone around the world with her...and experienced her loves and beatings and stage fright and marches....maybe then, I can shout HALLELUJAH, SHE HAS CROSSED OVER!  There is trouble no more.  And the mourning will be done.  Until then, I read....hearing her voice from the other side.

bite of the day ~  I don't know why one's value seems to be acknowledged more when one is no longer...yet this is the way of things here.  Thank God mentor-ship need not end with the grave. Selah.



thirtiesgirl

Life is NOT fair...PERIOD.

Technically, my thirtiesgirl days will be over in a matter of a few months.  I have come to realize that for most of my nearly 40 years on the planet I actually had the faulty mindset that if you live "right", do "right", treat people "right"....life will be smooooth sailing. Think before you act.  Make wise decisions.   Be responsible.  etc etc etc.  All of these things are good and noble and true...a great way to live life.  However, the "LIFE WILL BE SMOOOOTH SAILING" part is where I erred. I literally thought that if I gleaned from the experiences of others..especially my elders, if I stuck to my morals and values, if I was...a good person...and lived life as much as possible to be pleasing to God....I would be able to avoid all MAJOR pitfalls.

pure fantasy!

As a kid, my mother told me if I remembered someone...they would remember me.  We moved around a bit when I was growing up, so I didn't have classmates that I actually went from A-Z with.  But I've always been very heartfelt about friendship.  So after maybe a year or two, I found the number of a classmate who I considered a best friend at my old school.  I felt nervous calling her after so long, but my mother assured me with the advice mentioned above.  So I called.  The girl...ole what's her name... didn't remember me!  HA!  I can laugh about it now, but then, I felt so...unimportant and...forgettable.  My mother still holds that belief to this day..with the addendum "...unless they've been on drugs or had a brain injury or something...".  In other words, OTHER FACTORS can interfere.

other factors?

I never considered "other factors" ...things outside of my control could and eventually would affect my life. After all my SELF-righteous living...proper choice and cautious wise-forward-thinking decision-making (I AM SAGACIOUS)...you can imagine my shock, disdain, otherworldly pain and depression when the tsunami swept through my life...just like everybody else.  At first it was external damage & close calls...but soon the storm was IN THE HOUSE wielding it's mighty power in the intimate corners of my world.  That's when I got the revelation...LIFE IS NOT FAIR.  It just isn't.  Bad things happen to good people.  Friends betray.  Loved ones die. The wounds of life can be deep and sometimes become infected if not properly cared for.  But they can heal.  I've learned....we can HEAL.  

thirtiesgirl

bite of the day ~ Selah.

Why I didn't watch the last season of SCANDAL...

My interaction on other people's pages on Facebook is usually hitting the like or share buttons.  Don't comment as much as I just observe.  But when I came across a status that read "One word...One Word You Would Want People To Use To Describe You..."..for some reason I felt compelled to comment.  The first word to pop in my head was "ABNORMAL." There were many other words that followed...but it's something about that organic unedited FIRST response...before the pondering and over analyzing.

Back in the day, all I wanted was to feel "normal"...fit in.  As early as I can remember, I was The Girl Who...Wasn't.  I just wasn't. I was either behind or in front of the curve...but never spot on it.  It didn't matter whether I was at school, church or with family....there were very few people that I could genuinely relate to...or who I didn't feel abnormal around or even judged by. For a good part of my adolescence, like so many others, I seriously struggled with self-image and self-esteem issues.  Trying to find my place, in high school, I decided (after some persuading by my best friend) to try out for the cheerleading squad.  I was already in the marching band, but that was different.  I had looked up to the uber-popular cheerleaders with their short pleated skirts and Nikes with bells attached from a distance, secretly wondering how it felt to be them, at the same time never seeing myself among them.  And for good reason.  I was barely past my tomboy phase.  I didn't pay attention to them at the games, didn't know any cheers, flips or jumps....I actually had to learn how to do the split just to try out!

When one of my football player friends found out what I was up to, he said to me, in front of everyone, "Don't do that.  You not like them girls...".  Well, my version of low self-esteem didn't EVER manifest in a quiet, meek, head hanging low type of way.  I have always been...fiery.  I was indignant and pissed because what I heard was "You NOT AS GOOD AS those girls.  YOU wouldn't fit in with them." Quickly, he clarified. "You're a good girl....them girls are fast."  I didn't know anything about all that....but I knew I wasn't listening to him. I WANTED to be apart of that group of girls, "fast" or not...if they would have me. Amazingly, I made it.  But nothing changed on the inside. I still wasn't like....anyone.  I couldn't relate to anyone.  Nothing against them.  Most of them were good people and we got along....but I STILL didn't fit in. 

The quest for normalcy continued in college.  This time I was after those coveted letters of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Incorporated, the official right to rock the crimson & cream on the yard and to be recognized EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD as a Distinguished Delta.  Then MAYBE, just maybe I'd feel NORMAL.  When I finally did pledge, you guessed it.  Still apart of the group but not OF the group....kinda like IN the world but not OF the world.  Still didn't FIT.  

By this time, I had finally started dealing with my internal issues and made my peace with who God has made me...and why.  I'm NEVER going to fit in...I will NEVER feel normal inside, cause guess what?  I AM NOT NORMAL. I may look it...but it's merely a disguise. :-)  After I accepted this fact, I stopped trying to be and actually have become quite adverse to the idea of normalcy.  Normal equals what everyone else i.e. The Crowd is doing and being.  Which brings me to SCANDAL.

I actually love the show.  It's extremely well written, well acted, exciting and all that jazz.  I watched (albeit online after the fact) the first & second seasons.  And I had every intention to watch last season.  But when I would have the time, oddly, I didn't have the DESIRE.  I began to ponder WHY DON'T I WANT TO WATCH SCANDAL??? Finally,  I had an AHA moment.  EVERYBODY seems to watch Scandal.  If you are not able to be in front of your TV on Thursday nights, DON'T log on to ANY social media cause folks will ruin it for you!  EVERYBODY seems to be obsessed with Olivia Pope, Fitz and the Gladiators, even calling themselves by the coveted name.  Scandal has become NORMAL.  And, subconsciously, it turned me off.  Because I don't do....NORMAL. 

bite of the day ~  I hope I can watch Scandal again.  But if I never have the desire, I won't force it. When you finally submit to your TRUE SELF, you will embrace standing apart from The Crowd and just BE-ING YOU. 

thirtiesgirl

What If...

The other day I ran into a family friend at an event.  A friend who I usually just joke and talk trash with when we are in each other's presence.  He told me he wanted to share something with me before we left.  Of course, after the event he tried.

 "I've always wanted to tell you...well, I've never gotten the chance to tell you...."

Before he could get it out, a group congregated around us and the moment passed.  We exchanged looks as I shrugged my shoulders.  "Just call me later." I mouthed.  A couple of days later, he did. 

The Words...specific, reflective, encouraging, extremely complimentary....and surprising, but in a beautiful way.  No ulterior motives he said, but have always wanted to tell me his thoughts...about me. Whether his last statement is true or not, his taking the time (and courage) to do something that I'm sure was uncomfortable for him touched me.

As an actor, an exercise I do in order to pull up different emotions is stand in the mirror and think about different "WHAT IF" scenarios.  If I must cry, all I have to do is think of something happening to anyone I love.  Sometimes, if I really need to go there, I purposely think of someone who is currently living, like my parents or siblings, dying.  I allow myself to believe that it's real.  That's enough to send me into a bonafide tizzy.

Lately, I've been applying this WHAT IF exercise to life in general.  WHAT IF this person who I am furious with at this moment suddenly croaked, how would I feel?  Would what they did to piss me off even matter anymore?  WHAT IF my mother, who works my nerve occasionally (and vice versa lol)...what if something happened to her...an accident, sickness or sudden death....would these small irritations matter in the least?  Would I be sure that she knew how I feel about her, how much she matters in my life?  I wouldn't be sure if I never expressed it.

I have in particular been using the WHAT IF when it comes to dealing with men these days.  I am very much a woman who believes that the man is supposed to pursue the woman..in fact, because of some past experiences, I'm now adamant about it. On top of that, I usually cover nerves & shyness with sass & a smart mouth. IJS.  To balance, I force myself to think...WHAT IF I never reach out to this man at those moments when I REALLY want to, simply because I'm tallying up who texted or called the other last.  WHAT IF something happens to him and I didn't take the opportunity out of fear of rejection or hurt or just issues..to let him know how awesome I think he is or that he simply puts a smile on my face?  

What if I go through this life without ever giving this gift that has been given to me over and over again to others?

bite of the day ~ Reach out to someone who you've never told (or who you don't tell often enough)...how special they are to you TODAY. With no expectations of their response.  A relative. A friend.  A prospective more-than-friend.  You don't know what it will do for them.  I know what it will do for you.  FREEDOM...and relief.  Selah.

thirtiesgirl

let go...

On New Year's Day, I cleaned out my refrigerator.  Now for the less than handful who have had the pleasure of  digging in my frig, they are now doing the Baptist two-step & leg kick dance.  "Praise da lawd!" lol

Don't get me wrong...I'm not "nasty".  I just, with good intentions, hold on to stuff too long.  And in this case, that can result in a couple of "surprises" buried...in the back....behind my father's bottle of beer that he couldn't finish during his SUMMER visit.  Sigh.  Yeah.  It's a problem.  I didn't know beer expired.  I don't drink the stuff...but I digress.

So the trash bags were filling up, garbage disposal was going, soapy dish water was working it....and in the middle of dumping some old Thai food...I just felt......disgusted with myself.  

"Why the hell do you do this???" 

"Is it the starving children in Africa? Or in the hood?"

"Feel guilty for the waste?  Food....money???"

"WHAT IS IT???" 

In that moment, a knowing that had been creeping up on me for weeks hit me square in the chest.  It was about much more than moldy mac & cheese and year old salad dressing.  See, I'm not "nasty" but I HAD a problem....a problem with letting go. 

I would allow something or someone or some thought or some feeling to take up space in the refrigerator of my life...even when it was no longer good....for me.  As a matter of fact, it would be so past expiration that it was dangerous...poison to my system if I dared to digest it just ONE.....MORE....TIME.  Holding on....to stuff and people and things and mindsets....wayyyy past their shelf life....thinking I can still work with it, can still get it right, can still get something good from it....I can still still still.  NO!!!

Are you judging me?  Nah...surely not.  You may need to go check YOUR "frig".  Or perhaps it's your closet or that digital black book in your cell phone.  Maybe it's that FaceBook "friends" list?  Or maybe you need to roll over and check who you laying next to.  It could even be that negative stank attitude or bad self image or abusive childhood.  I don't know but whatever it is....if it's POISONOUS....

LET IT GO.

And make room for the FRESH and NEW.

Selah.

bite of the day ~ It's 2014.  Time to clean "house".

thirtiesgirl

That Type of Girl...

You see him.  He sees you.  There's something different...electric in the air.  You connect.  You're feelin' him.  He's feelin' you.  The connection is interesting, refreshing...fast heartbeat exciting...in a laid back comfy kind of way.  It comes out pretty early what type of girl you are...that waiting type.  That drawers up-skirts down-take her home to mama-ain't no play thing-type.  A cool breeze blows through suddenly.  And slowly but surely, fadeeeeeee to black.....once again.

"Babes...I couldn't live up to your standards!"

I was in college when my father spoke these words to me.  I had just, through a waterfall of tears, shared with him how increasingly difficult it was becoming to hold on to my virginity while dating my then boyfriend who I was crazy/mad/stupid in love with.  I was complaining about the pressure that not only my own curiosity and love was applying to my vow...but the pressure he was applying as well.  Intense. At the time, being in typical man mode himself, my father didn't want me to disrupt my good relationship in this fit of emotion when my man was just "being normal".  

Fast forward quite a few years and I find myself in single again mode after an unraveled marriage...and fighting to hold on to the goodies once again.  A conversation with a good guy friend of mine earlier today reminded me of why I was not too happy to be "un-settled".  Weeding through the toads.  Sigh.  Ok...well, maybe some of them are not toads. Nevertheless, those "standards" that my father referred to long ago are still in FULL effect.  And SOME guys...most that I've run into thus far have an even lower tolerance for said standards than they did 10 years ago.  Namely because we are even deeper in the age of aggressive women who chase men....especially those that have even a little bit going for themselves....these females are willing to drop the panties on command.  And the brothers KNOW IT.  It takes a...certain type of man to be celibate and hold on to HIS goodies in today's society.  But that's exactly the type of man who would SEE a woman like me and not feel...challenged....but GRATEFUL. 

"Continue to be who you are.  Dudes run because they ain't getting the cookie til marriage.  Men wanna test drive." 

....said my good guy friend....in the same breath he admitted not knowing really any single guys (outside of his Mosque) that even claimed to be celibate.

I am a strong girl...but sometimes I feel like......an alien chillin' on a planet all by myself...waiting for my equal to finally land in my world.  Selah.

bite of the day ~ It takes courage to be different.  It takes perseverance to stick with your own convictions...even when it looks like it's getting you no where fast.  Hold on.  The sun will rise again....just for you.

thirtiesgirl

The Best Man Holiday...mai review

When I first heard Malcolm Lee was doing a sequel to what is in my opinion a Black Classic, 1999's The Best Man, I was....nervous.  I mean, sequels can be great...or they can also go terribly wrong. For films like this, I say if it ain't broke DON'T DO A SEQUEL! That goes for tv shows and books too....I was SOOOOO disappointed with the sequel to Terry McMillan's novel Waiting to Exhale...words cannot describe!  But I digress.

When I saw the first marketing pieces for the film, excitement and curiosity!  

Who wouldn't want to know what happened to some of their favorite characters?  Plus,  I LOVE seeing beautiful black folks on the big screen...and everyone is aging extremely WELL.  Morris with his chocolate deliciousness...WHEW!

STILL got it. I'm just sayin'. :-) And the ladies, Monica Sanaa Regina Nia Melissa,  who covered Ebony mag last month are an inspiration to say the least.

As for the film itself,.I expected....more? Especially after all the raving and butt licking on Facebook.  If I had to compare it to the first film, The Best Man had a build up of conflict and tension with the whole not-so-secret book/cheat reveal situation that just was NOT topped in the sequel.  Keeping the book and it's contents from Lance...the anticipation of him finding out the truth about his best man and soon-to-be wife...and then the satisfaction of the climax when he literally beat the bricks off Taye Diggs' character...I mean, c'mon!  Big shoes to fill.

Where BM Holiday was weak on tension/conflict building, it was heavy on tear jerking drama.  I admit, I was snotting a few times. There were plenty of touching moments...and I did appreciate that they showed different sides of the characters' personalities...even irritating shallow Shelby was shown in a different light before it was all said and done.  

I will say, the sequel LOOKED classier as far as setting etc, but the language was a lot more crass.  They seemed obsessed with the words d**k & pu**y & mother f**ka...I mean, really?  Trust me.  I'm no prude but when something jumps out at me during a film and it's adding no value at all, that's an issue.  The first one wasn't rated PG either...(remember the card scene...talk about tension!) but everything seemed...real.  Not just in there trying to be funny...and I do emphasize TRYING. Sigh. 

bite of the day - Overall, I'm still a superfan of the original Best Man....and was just glad to see these characters again in the second. Acting was superb as expected. Plus I got a good cry out so that counts for something. :-)

thirtiesgirl

SEX-y Songs...

I love music.  Good music. All genres...all types.  Right now I'm addicted to Spotify having abandoned Pandora with its commercials for my premium subscription last summer.  So tonight, I was in the mood for some NE circa '96 (i.e. New Edition).  So I'm rocking while I work.  Then I see one of those "If you like this artist, try this artist" messages.  I click on The MANuel by Q Parker of R&B group 112 fame.  I'm feeling it.  Smooth....talking about love.  Good stuff.  I'm rockin'....all the way to my bathroom break.  As soon as I sit on the porcelain throne, a new song comes on.  Smooth... bass heavy.  Then it happens.

Breathing.  A woman moaning.  A man...namely Q asking "those questions" in "that voice".  

"Oh no."  

A familiar jump in the pit of my stomach....and below.  I couldn't get up (wipe and wash) fast enough. Frantic!  Too late.  The ultra-sexy interlude had already entered my atmosphere. Almost felt like the first time I heard "Darling Nikki" by Prince. 

Sigh.

From an early age I was trained and trained myself to listen to LYRICS so I could monitor what I was letting in my head and heart.  And for someone like me with a VIBRANT, VIVID, CREATIVE imagination...um, I MUST WATCH IT.  I remember when I was single before I couldn't listen to certain songs simply because they took me off my square...like seriously "Love Scene" by Joe was BANISHED from the playlist.  Almost cost me the goods on more than one occasion....goods I was determined to hold on to until I walked down the aisle.  Of course, after I was married....SWEET FREEDOM!  Bring on all the JOE, PRINCE and sex-y music in the universe!

Now that I'm single again, I gotta watch it cause the goods are back on lock down...and I intend to keep them that way until HE comes along and puts a ring on it.  In the meantime, lawd Jesus....keep me near the cross!

Cold + Shower = ME.  Sigh.

bite of the day ~ Ummm...real talk...No words.  Pray for a sista. LOL


thirtiesgirl

The WHY?

Last week I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine who is an entrepreneur and very much into having a positive impact on others' lives and the community through her work. Not unlike myself.  We talked about getting back to "The Why?" Why did you start...whatever you started?  Whether it's a business, a relationship, a diet...a blog.  What was your motivation?  Sometimes, THE WHY gets lost in the shuffle of "the process"...the challenges.  Whether digging deep or climbing high....you have to start somewhere.  And remembering not only WHERE you started, but WHY you started can help with staying focused...and provide motivation during the, inevitable, challenging times.

My mother and I officially started our arts nonprofit, The Anointed Harvesters, back in 2003...after leading the drama ministry at our church for years.  Our motivation?  Expanding beyond the walls of the church...and for me as a writer, more creative freedom.  Expanding meant moving beyond the limitations of stage into film. Packaging positive messages and images that could literally go around the world without us leaving our doorsteps...or dealing with some uncommitted actors not showing up to rehearsals or learning their lines. "It don't take all of that!" Um...YES it does.  Out with you! LOL

empower. inspire. uplift.  

So we set out to learn the film business...every aspect and angle.  What we found were a lot of closed doors and unwillingness to share the knowledge. Wow...Shocker!  Fortunately, a closed door only makes women like us put on steel boots.

"YOU don't tell ME what I can't do..."  

So, we decided not only would we make opportunities for ourselves, but anyone who had the basic SKILLS and DESIRE to be a viable part of the entertainment industry, but had not been given the opportunity to gain the experience. Enter the birth of our Shadow Training & Internship Program. Quality NOT Quantity is one of our mottos. 

Over the years, we've had our share of challenges, sacrifice, sabotage, hate and other unmentionables.  But we've also seen so many people touched, inspired, changed and assisted due to our work.  We've realized how so many people simply have not found the strength to pursue their dreams, whatever they may be...no courage to pursue their slice of the fulfilled-life pie.  Passion.  Purpose.  In this damp dark world, we can, should and are A Light that draws.  It is a humbling and sometimes, daunting assignment but we LOVE this stuff.  And we are loved...and supported.  So we continue on...  

Join us this Friday and Be Inspired. 

www.theanointedharvesters.org/buy 

  

bite of the day - Strap on those steel boots and START KICKING!  Selah.

thirtiesgirl

Confessions in Black & White

"These white boys getting bold!?!" 

Said my 20-year old self to my bonus sister after a car full drove by and lustily gazed at us.  She immediately got pissed at me for making an "ignorant borderline racist statement".  I guess she was extra sensitive because, at that moment, she herself was in an interracial relationship.  Of course at the time I didn't see anything wrong with what I said.  It was how I felt. To me, it was abnormal for white guys to look at me like...well, like black guys.  I had primarily grown up in predominantly black areas and schools, that is until college.  Soon after this incident, I would have my own AHA moment when me and my white future brother-n-law went shopping for a birthday gift for my sister.  I wasn't aware of the stares...at first.  After all, it was just me and J...shopping and laughing and talking. "What are they looking at???", I thought.  I quickly realized what they were looking at and I got pissed.  "Ohhh.  So, this is how it feels."  After that, I started a journey of understanding and enlightenment...that I'm apparently still on. 

CASE IN POINT...

Yesterday it was sweltering and I was NOT feeling my "cutest".  But I still had to get out of the drab office for some therapy...sun and shopping.  A cute pair always makes life better! :-)

On my way back, I saw the resident homeless lady who likes to beg in a sing song kind of voice (LOUDLY) from across the street.  Being that I had already given the little cash I had on me away, I decided to watch her for a few moments to see if her singing actually got some results.  While I was watching her, someone was watching me.  Finally, a fair-skinned (and handsome) stranger moved closer into my eye view and looked at me.

Mr. Fairskinned&Handsome: "That's a beautiful dress..."

ME: (slight smile) "Thank you."

Mr. Fairskinned&Handsome: "Pink really looks good on you..."

ME: (half listening/half watching the singing beggar lady): "Thanks...I appreciate the compliment."

Then the light changed and he slowly strode across the street in front of me.  And yes, I checked him out. Swag. Hmmm...interesting.  I could see him debating whether to say something else to me.  But I hustled past and kept on my way.  

CONFESSION:  Years ago, if a white man looked at me "like that"...I would darn near audibly hear the word "RAPE" in my head.  Guess I watched too many slave movies.  Sigh.

CONFESSION:  Up until around the year 2000, I had not really ever met a white guy that I was attracted to..."like that".  Movie stars don't count.  Then, I met Ben...a Jewish artist with the most beautiful open brown eyes I had ever seen.  And he had MAD swag.  To my amazement, I really LIKED him..."like that".

CONFESSION: The very few fairskinned men that I have found myself attracted to had "brotha-like" qualities.  You know, kissable lips...nice walk...but most of all CONFIDENCE...enough to simply treat you like a desirable woman.  I have found that many white men treat black women very neutral on the surface, but if you pay attention, they sneaking peaks on the sly.  Especially in elevators.  Which is why I was thrown off several years ago when I first met my occasional elevator friend and he looked me DIRECTLY in my eyes "like that" and started a conversation...and actually acts like he doesn't want it to end pretty much every time I see him.  I admit, neither do I.  Hmm. Strange feeling.  

Needless to say, I'm still opening my mind to the possibilities...all of them.  Because I realize that I have certain ideas about black folks & white folks that carry a bit of weight.  But the differences we make in this society based on something as superficial as color AIN'T GOD.  And the truth is, I only see color when I don't know the person...like the fairskinned&handsome stranger with the compliments.  Otherwise it's just Jason, Jonathan, Bob..Mike.  You get the point.  Just GUYS I know.  Not white guys.  

bite of the day ~ There was a time I would have never imagined myself romantically involved with a nonblack man, but as they say...things change.  I've changed.  God knows who He has in my future.  I'm just determined not to be too blind to see through the black and white. Selah.

thirtiesgirl

And Then There was 39....

I had a dream....a vision. 

I was on the side of a mountain...with greenery, some withered some full and vibrant, all around.  The whole of nature seemed to be on pause observing....something.  I was  not walking nor climbing up this mountain.  I was being pushed...at times shoved so aggressively that rocks and pebbles were crumbling beneath my feet and dropping violently to a shattered death below.  I was leaning back with my legs straight as boards and a determined scowl on my face...resisting the shoving...upward.  I recognized those pushing me.  Mollie. Will. Olivia. Ruby. Allen. Jimmy...both of them. Poochie. Greg. Corrinne. Lester. Willie. Ray. Jerome. LW. It was hundreds of them....lined up beneath me, almost stacked on top of each other...shoving me via back and butt and legs up this mountain.  All of them....dead and gone relatives. My grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins....my loves no longer on this side of creation.  But there they were in my dream...shoving me violently while somehow moving forward themselves. I'm not sure what happened but at some point, there was a shift in my demeanor.  The resistant scowl turned to a determined focused glare toward the top of that mountain.  I stopped leaning back and began to climb....and climb and climb.  I didn't have to look back to know my loves were still there.  I felt their hands on my back, my butt, my legs....still pushing me.  

And the sky opened up..... 

bite of the day ~ Dear God, on this, my 39th year....I thank you for The Shove. Selah.

thirtiesgirl

I'm starting to relate to Michael Jackson...

Tossing.  Turning.  Dragging to the porcelain throne at 3am...on a week night.  Lying awake in the dark staring at the ceiling...praying for SLEEP.  This has been my existence for a good minute now.  And it's really starting to take a toll.  

At first it was due to my lovely neighbors screaming and fighting in the middle of the night...or blasting R. Kelly's "Down Low"....obviously to send an indirect message to the other.  I'm just waiting for one of them to play TLC's "Creep" or that old O'Jays cut "...your body's here with me, but your mind is on the OTHER SIDE OF TOWNNNN...".  Sigh.

Actually, since I put in an official complaint (...this ain't that type of neighborhood...and I pay too much to be living the "ghetto life"...do somethin'.), they've actually been pretty good.  

NOW what's the problem!?!  

With no one to blame, I have no choice but to deal with my insides....cause obviously I'm a disturbed individual right now.  I believe my issue is the issue of so many thirtiesgirls....and guys.  THE WORLD is in my head...and it doesn't slow down when I do.  I literally feel schizophrenic at times...trying to run my life which FEELS more complicated than it probably is AND run the world too.  I got so many dreams and visions and ideas and IDEALS....on top of that, I have an ultra sensitive soul.  Which is why I can't watch the news too much.  I don't just see headlines.  I see PEOPLE.  And I feel that junk in my core.  THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR ME.  And don't get me started on my family.  Their issues are my issues...unbeknownst to them.  For example, if someone is lacking something, it's a problem for me.  Why?  Subconsciously, I feel a number of things...1) guilt because I'm NOT lacking that particular thing. 2) irritation because most likely it's their own fault due to their own choices that they are lacking said thing 3) inadequacy because in my core I want to FIX EVERYTHING and make it better...easier.  I'm Superwoman...didn't you know?

And it's not that I don't know what to do.  I believe and know The Word, Father God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  I know how to pray...and I do.  What I haven't mastered is staying in my lane....and allowing God to do what He does.  I'm frantic cause I've been trying to do His job.  Running my life ain't my business.  Walking out the life HE runs is my business.  And news flash!  I am not Superwoman.  Somehow I keep forgetting this....

bite of the day ~ He never sleeps nor slumbers cause He's putting the pieces together...even if the finished puzzle is still a mystery to us.  This means WE CAN SLEEP...with no worries. Selah.

thirtiesgirl
  

42, The Jackie Robinson Film....mai review

coon.  jungle bunny. tar baby. nigger.

Sigh. 

I have to mentally prepare myself before I go to see films like The Help, Django Unchained...and now 42.  If not, the bad place it takes me to will undoubtedly have me looking cross-eyed at every white person, innocent or not, that I see.  So I prepared myself for the worst.

To me, this film was about a few basic things:

1.  The man and his courage to walk through the door that was presented to him.

2. His true strength...which was spiritual and emotional.

3. And lastly, his LEADERSHIP.

This film, once again, confirmed it for me.  Leaders have to have the courage to ultimately walk alone....just them and God, period. If you cannot, no love lost but take a seat...with the rest of the crowd and be regular.  

My fav shot was when the camera followed him, Dodgers 42 on his back, walking through the tunnel, heading to the field...alone.  Mr. Robinson had his wife, Rachel, who supported and adored him...he had the owner of the Dodgers, Branch Rickey played by Harrison Ford, who God used to present the door to him and open it from the inside out.  But ultimately, he was the one who had to go in the locker room with some resentful white players...he had to walk on that field as the only African-American (we were Negroes then) and play in an unbelievably hostile environment.  I believe the film only touched the surface of what he went through.

PROS/CONS

Simply put, Chadwick Boseman did an excellent job.  I BELIEVED he was Jackie Robinson, much like I BELIEVED Denzel was Malcolm X in Spike Lee's X.  He showed us the strength, the determination and the vulnerability of the man. And the skill.  I must say, I found myself being reminded of Derek Luke and Anthony Mackie while watching him...which is both good and bad.  Luke & Mackie are great actors so to be compared to them is not an insult.  However, no actor wants someone watching their performance and visualizing another PEER actor in that same role.  Now, if I was reminded of a younger Denzel or Sidney Poitier...no problem.

Same thing with Nicole Beharie, who play Rachel Robinson.  I kept getting glimpses of Kerry Washington...and even Regina King in her performance.  King, who played the ULTIMATE supportive ride or die wife in Jerry Maguire, has not been topped yet, in my humble opinion. Beharie did a fine job, however, I did feel at times she was holding back.  There were times that were intimate, face to face and then it seemed she would break it in a "no, my make-up!" moment and just kinda mug prettily, even if emotionally, for the camera.  Um...no.

My only major complaint would be that Jackie's character seemed to ask Branch Rickey one too many times "Why?  Why are you doing this?"  At one point, I almost felt like a "Massa..why for little ole me? In your graciousness, why?" might be thrown.  I admit, that might be my own issues and not how it was actually portrayed.  But it did seem that the writer and/or director wanted to HIGHLIGHT that it was Branch Rickey that made everything happen...that Jackie kind of deferred to him.  

Once again, it may just be my "internals". lol!  BTW - I can't say anything bad about Harrison Ford.  He always brings the goods.  Love him....since Han Solo. Crushin' seriously. :-)

bite of the day ~ I really enjoyed the film.  I was there with Jackie emotionally.  But of course, see it for yo-self and let me know what you think. :-)  

thirtiesgirl

Tyler Perry's Temptation...mai review.

I've seen all of Tyler Perry's films.  Not because I think they are the greatest because clearly, some of them could have used further development.  Regardless, I am a TP fan.  Yes, I said it... for all you "REAL" filmmakers that studied the craft in classrooms and can discuss all of the technical and methodical and blah blah-ical of the whole filmmaking process.  It amazes me that some people (BLACK PEOPLE)  hate on this man, who has done something that no other BLACK filmmaker has done in this generation...#2 highest paid in Hollywood, due to a SOLID audience, due to HIM.  His story.  His humility. His faith.  Some of those who get on Facebook & Twitter & Instagram and all the other social media sites and blast TP...if given the opportunity, would  be IN one of these so-called "sub-par" films...or better yet, the same filmmakers dogging his work would quickly take a check from him to produce their own project...without hesitation.  There's a difference in analyzing a person's work and straight hatin'.  So for those folks...um...just hush.

Now, for my honest thoughts on TEMPTATION. :-)

First of all, I did not know that it was based on his stageplay "The Marriage Counselor"....perhaps because I wasn't paying that close attention...and also because of the way it was marketed. (More drama, than dramedy)  Nevertheless, when I saw the opening credits, I knew immediately what I was in for as far as storyline...it was just a matter of how they would translate it to film. 

The Pros?

The CAST. 

Jurnee Smollett is an awesome actress...have loved her since Eve's Bayou.  She's beautiful and natural and BELIEVABLE.  She never seems like she's trying too hard to be happy or sad or sexy or naive.  She just is whatever IT is...effortlessly. I will say, she did look like she needed a hamburger...or TWO.  I'm just sayin'.

As far as the leading men, I was so happy to see some CHOCOLATE on the screen. 

Lance Gross is always delicious to look at and although I had never seen or heard of Robbie Jones...I believed him in the part as the Tempter.  He was attractive (LOVED the eyes) and he gave us glimpses of the brewing "offness" under the surface, if you were paying attention. 

Quite frankly, the supporting cast were non-issues to me.  Vanessa Williams with that hideous accent (which made it hilarious when she dropped it to cuss ole girl out near the end), Kim Kardashian was not horrible nor great...and the same thing for Brandy.  Actually, Brandy has looked much better on screen...not sure if that was on purpose due to her character or what.

Lastly, on the cast, Ella Joyce who played the mother was under served in this role.  I last saw her live in the Goodman Theatre's stageplay "Crumbs from the Table of Joy" and she is no doubt a phenomenal actor.  This role, as the Bible thumpin' overly religious and overbearing mother....did not best utilize her gifts.  It wasn't necessarily her.  It was the role.

Which leads me to the CONS.  I am so tired of seeing these played out cliche depictions of THE CHRISTIAN in these films.  They are always over the top and unattractive as a personality.  The person you DON'T want to be like.  As a Christian myself, I'm like "really!?!" It's old and played.  Can we please get an attractive, fun, down to earth, unconfused Christian in one of these doggone movies???  Sigh.  Guess that's why I'm a writer. :-)

I also don't know if I would have allowed the lead to go all the way in the gutter with ole boy with the drugs etc.  I mean, the sex was definitely believable...but the drugs?  And the obvious orgy (with the girl on girl/guy on guy action in the background) that was about to pop off when the husband came to the Tempter's house to get the wife?  It just seemed like EVERYTHING she stood for went out the window, when she started out so strong-willed.  Lastly, the aging of the husband.  Um...no.  That hair and makeup was sooo unbelievable onscreen...plus as someone pointed out, everybody aged except Brandy.  So...again, no.

Bottom line, I did enjoy the film, primarily due to the lead actors plus the obvious make-you-think message.

   

thirtiesgirl

bite of the day ~ Don't take my word for it.  Go see it for yo-self and let me know what YOU think. :-)

TO BE YOUNG, GIFTED AND.....afraid.



It's been a day of God whispers...facing internals, and reminders of who I am.

 

I AM GIFTED.

 

...and for many years, I was afraid that I was NOT.  Even now, I have to fight the not-good-enoughness that tries to creep up my spine chased by a paralyzing fear.  A familiar feeling.  It seems from the beginning, my gifting has been under attack....in an effort to derail plan and purpose.  Self-esteem crushers on my tender heels with ugly shouts and less-than yells.   But the true me won't let the crushers get me.  Won't let the gifting go.  I can't. 

 

I AM NOT NORMAL.

 

I will never be satisfied inside "the typical".  Yet, I'm in disguise on the daily.  In the Matrix of commutes and skyscrapers and numbers and corporate lunches and uninteresting elevator small talk.  But I'm awake....and aware.  I've taken the pill and am no longer afraid.

 

That's a lie. 

 

Fear remains.  But as Bishop Jakes said it has to be buried so that The Gift can be exposed.  So, I'll do it afraid.  I've been doing it...afraid.  Selah.

 

 

bite of the day ~ live....inspite of fear. you MUST.



thirtiesgirl

Let's Talk About SEX Part 3....The Unworthys

 

I have new neighbors. Baby Mama.  Baby Daddy....+ the kids.  Been together 13 years but they don't trust each other.  Well, he doesn't trust her.  I suspect because they both were in relationships already when they hooked up.  She pursued him....and the rest is history.  How do I know all this without having ever laid eyes on them?

 

The first time I was awakened BEFORE my alarm, I jolted up in bed, shocked at the rumbles from below.  A screaming toddler, the roar of a couple other kids, a gruff sounding man dropping F bombs....and the stench of smoke invading my space. In the early hours of New Year's Day, I finally realized a good part of the rumblings weren't the kids at all. Thumps. Slams. Screaming. Yelling. A whole lot of Cussin'. Perhaps a shake, push...slap or two. The moment she screamed "STOPPPPP!!!!" at the top of her lungs after hours of arguing...mainly him screaming at her, I called 911.

 

"Not on my watch, homey. Ghetto niggaz."

 

Now I don't usually use the N word...but in some cases, I simply can't think of any other description.  Don't condone it but it's truth.  Working on that. Sigh.

 

It's been a minute since I've been a bonafide "WE" and quite honestly, I don't have a legit object of my affection at the moment to even fantasize about.  Yes, on purpose.  So I'm removed from the "passions" that can rage in a relationship...good and bad.  After another weekend of fighting and another 911 call, I remembered.  It's sad how one bad decision can have years of pain residuals. 

This man who is raging was in a "cool" relationship before this, according to his rant.  But then the chase started.  The sex was hot, I'm sure.  Exciting!  Then she got pregnant.  Baby Mama. 

 

This leads me back to my comment in Part 2 about "the unworthys".  Giving yourself to an unworthy WILL lead to pain, suffering & regret in one form or another.  Of course, my personal belief is every person is unworthy of your sex if you are not married to them.  I do understand that some people do not hold this view...so I'm going to break a few things down for you to ponder.

 

LESSONS ON UNWORTHYS: RED FLAGS

 

1. CHEATERS - If someone cheats WITH you, they will cheat ON you.  You are not special.  He/She didn't change the moment they met you....their "soul mate".  And it's not rocket science.  It's character.  If you truly are their "soul mate", they will leave you alone until they are legitimately available to pursue a relationship with you.  Otherwise, they are simply a cheater looking for the next...lay.

 

2. POTENTIAL BAD PARENTS - If you meet someone who is FINE and charismatic...he got MAD swag or she's so beautiful you can't stop looking at her BUT you wouldn't leave even your gold fish in their care....THEY ARE AN UNWORTHY! Don't have sex with someone who you would not want to have a child with.  Cause news flash, you will be attached to that person in some form FOR LIFE through the child.  Irresponsible, selfish, untrustworthy, immoral people make bad parents.  They will take both you and that child through hell.  Years of "soul clean-up" will follow and ain't nothing sexy about that.

 

3.  DEPENDENTS - Ladies, if you meet a "great" guy who has a lot of "potential" BUT he currently cannot provide the basics of food, shelter and transportation for HIMSELF...oh and he's over 25 (but especially if he's over 30!)...immediately put him in "just a friend" zone and keep your legs closed.  Matter of fact, keep your hands and lips to yourself too.  BEWARE, these types of guys are usually very skilled sexually....the same way a woman uses her hot sex to get what she wants from a man (think they are called GOLD DIGGERS...duh),  this great guy with the moves will become your dependent, not your "MAN".  A MAN takes care of his woman.  Not the other way around.  

 

4. DAMAGED SOULS - You can't help what someone else did to you, especially as a child.  But you can help what you do with what happened to you....and the choices you make in your life . If a person has been damaged out of no fault of their own, they need love.  Problem is a lot of times, they don't love themselves...which leads to extremely poor life choices like ho-ing, drinking too much, drugs and other abusive behavior. The desire to comfort them through sex is normal...cause I believe God made sex as a comfort as well...in the right context.  A husband can "hide himself" within his wife and find peace and rejuvenation. If a person is a damaged soul and IS NOT DOING ANYTHING SIGNIFICANT TO HEAL i.e. counselling, therapy etc....unfortunately this damaged soul will only damage you.  In crisis moments, the sex can be off the charts....very intense because one is sexing with a purpose besides just pleasure.  Unhealthy soul-ties and emotional dependency can result.  Stagnant damaged souls will drag you down into the abyss.  Legs closed.  Pants up....and zipped.

 

bite of the day ~ Sex is a beautiful thing.  But sex with an unworthy will quickly become unpretty.  Wait for The Worthy...and you'll get to the beautiful place.  I HAVE TO believe that. For me & for you.  Selah.

thirtiesgirl

POWER PULL

 

 

 

 

I drove in this morning to work instead of taking the train.   Company Christmas Party at Trump Towers this evening.  Not that I care much for these affairs.  Yes, I like to eat, drink and be merry. But I don't enjoy the pretense and awkwardness of standing around making small talk. I'm too real. I will usually slip up and say something....well, real. With the goal of making a genuine connection, I guess.  I almost skipped it altogether. Nay.  Can't come off as the snooty anti-social black girl. I'm darn near Barack at my company i.e. almost the only one of my kind.  Almost. They're good people.  So, I try....sometimes.   

 

I'm comfortable in silence, especially in the morning.   I've always been that way.  But over the years, I've made adjustments for other's sakes in lieu of being deemed moody.  Today, God beckoned a morning conversation.  Probably because He knows the thoughts and feelings that have been swirling around inside me.  Enough to choke hope and dreams a like.  The abyss has been looming nearby, waiting for me to slip in.  He wanted me to SAY SOMETHING.  So between greens and yellows and reds, slowly I began to verbalize aloud goodness, mercy, favor and blessing over, not just myself, but my loved ones.  I didn't "feel" any different afterwards honestly.  But faith is not feelings, right?

 

Yesterday, I declared to my co-workers that I would stay at the party until after the raffle because I planned to win the free airline tickets.  Mind you, in almost 14 years, I've NEVER won any raffle at my job.  But I said, "It's My Time." I actually wasn't putting much thought into it....part of the "small talk" of the day. But it became a minor point of discussion with others actually saying they hope I win.

 

Guess what?  I did win.  The Spanish wine and cheese basket.  The prize right after the airline tickets.  A year when we had the most attendees ever, all of which were entered into the raffle...I was one of the 5 "random" winners.  In that moment, God continued this morning's conversation.  "Wonder what your faith could pull to you if you really focused it?" Jesus, the universe and all in it was giving me a small glimpse of my power....glimpses revealed before, but I seem to forget when the steel boot of this life is kicking me in the hind parts.

 

An old friend once told me that God showed him that I was a queen...and not like "my black African queen princess sista!".  Like a ruler.  A queen.  He said that's why I act the way that I do.  He didn't mean it as a compliment, mind you.  I didn't understand.  Wanted to know what God showed him...what did he mean I was a queen in the "other world...the spirit"???  How do I act?  He wouldn't elaborate.  I didn't ask again...but I hid it in my heart.

 

Dear God of the Universe: What have you made me?  What is my power pull? Cause all I know is I'M NORMAL...IN DISGUISE. Selah.

bite of the day ~  What are you pulling to YOU?



thirtiesgirl