March 19, 2011

conversations with GOD

dear God:

it was 5 months ago today that i started ...officially started this part of my journey. alone but with courage and strength. ok, maybe the strength wasn't completely my own, nevertheless i drew from it...allowed it to cushion me from the blows of this life.  but it only lasted a short season. maybe that was Your plan.  i had not a clue.  all i know is when the helmet was removed...the body pads...the goggles....the all -weather timberland boots....the thick protective gloves...when all of that was removed, there i stood.  naked, with bloodied hands and feet....legs and arms black & blue...back open....eyes filled with glass tears. and i questioned YOU. screamed "WHERE ARE YOU GOD???"  You quietly answered "I AM".  but i could not hear You for the noise in my head, in my heart. never had i imagined that i would feel so low....uncertain. life, my life was NOT supposed to go like this.  i was the good girl that tried to do everything right.  always wanting to please, to not make mistakes, to be in favor.  i was the one confident in my future because i had done the "right" things.  yet, there i stood...bloodied...bruised & glassy-eyed.  i was hurt and angry and pissed. at You?  i'm still not sure, but i questioned if i wanted You anymore...if i wanted to be the good girl anymore.  what's the point if i end up here anyway?  that was until i finally quieted the screams enough to hear. i heard You.  i felt You again. "I AM".  the glass that had cut and clouded my eyes began to  fall out piece by PEACE.  the black and blue is beginning to give way to my caramel again.  the slices in my back are scabbing over.  HEALING.  yet i still won't exhale.  the journey  is really just beginning.  i am told i haven't  gotten to the hard part yet.  perhaps.  the difference will be i will  cushion myself with YOU.  YOU ARE MY STRENGTH.  selah.

bite of the day ~  Jesus carry me...cause i canNOT walk.


March 11, 2011


It's amazing how quickly everything changes.  Feelings.  Thoughts.  Knowing.  Life.
This time last year, where was I?  Not here. Not. Here.  The walls echo with one voice these days.  Doesn't seem like that will change anytime soon.  Oh.  I remember...last year this time.  I was looking into Hump Year.  Year 7.  Wow.  How quickly things change.  No.  The real.  Things SEEM to change overnight.  Things SEEM to "just happen".  The sucker punches SEEM to come out of nowhere.  But ThE REAL?  The real is nothing happens overnight.  It bubbles under the surface for minutes and moments and days and weeks and...years.  Even 7 Years.  Nothing "just happens".  Happenings happen when choices are made.  Conscious.  Subconscious.  Smart.  Dumb. Quick. Thought-Out....CHOICES.  And those infamous sucker punches.  The kind that catch you off guard.  Maybe with your head turned....back exposed....ready for the end of an invisible yet piercingly sharp knife.  Exposed to the one you thought you could trust.  The one you chose to trust.  The one you loved.  The one you still love.  Yeah....those are the worst kind of sucker punches because they are strong enough to get through the wall that was built brick by brick with each word, look, choice.  Bad choice. sigh.

Bite of the Day ~ The only constant is they say.  Pull your head out of the sand, so at least you can see it coming.