August 25, 2010


When I started this post yesterday, it was about something a bit different.  Which proves my point perfectly.  sigh.

Something I've known for a long time slaps me in the face every now and then....feelings are fickle.  I mean, really.  One moment you feel like you are about to explode with....(insert an emotion)....and the next, you're fine.  One moment you feel like you have to say or do something to or with someone...and the next, poof.  That's exactly why we should NOT follow our feelings.  A lot of us don't know the difference between following our "heart" and those fickle feelings.  Heart to me means "spirit".  And if your heart or spirit is jacked, even for that moment, it's not a good idea to follow it either.  That is until you've had some quiet time with God and gotten your bearings. 
I know I can be an emotionally crazy person.  Yet, thank God, I've learned how to ride out my feelings over the years and not act in the moment.  This is both a blessing and a curse.  Sometimes I feel so...not free.  So inhibited.  Repressed even.  I have to think EVERYTHING out....I have to weigh the consequences in practically every situation.  If I SAY this, that will happen.  If I DO this, that will happen.  If I THINK this....that will happen. 
If I...if I....if I....then...then...then. ARGGGHHHH!!!!
Sometimes, I wish I could just be that person that DOES now and THINKS later.  Throw caution to the wind....walk on the wild side....rebel against the world....nay.  I actually care too much.  I care about my decisions...and their impact on others. 

Responsibility.  Obligation.  Can I let just a little bit of that go?  Sigh.

Yet today, I sit here with almost zombie-like feelings.  This is new.  The place I'm at, the things I've experienced....have left me RAW.  Numb.  But right under the surface...with even a small poke or slight slice of the skin....sensitive ultra tender fleshy me is revealed.  I'm in a bubble of a life right now...seeing, observing but not fully feeling the impact in the moment.  I imagine it's like a woman having a child with an epidural....she doesn't feel the pain of the delivery....until the medicine wears off...then BOOM!  I'm at the last of the shot...with the blast not too far behind.  I'm bracing myself.

bite of the day ~ pray.


August 18, 2010

this is dedicated.... the cast and crew of my latest stageplay, "The Falls". 

I always get a little nervous the closer we get to a "performance".  Will everything go as planned?  Will folks show up?  Will the tech be on point?  Will someone in the cast act a fool?  Will I act a fool!?! lol

Seriously, this experience has been....different.  A lot more of...the more.  The baby has left the crib and the living ain't easy! Just kidding...(almost).  Reality is God has been all in this from the seed of the idea up to this point, and He's not going anywhere.  As the Bishop said last night, Faith connects us to God's integrity.  We can count on His integrity.  I know I am guilty of treating God like He's a man, that will lie or not keep his word...but He ain't that.  He's faithful, even when we aren't.  In case you haven't noticed, I'm not perfect....I know that's  a shock. :-)  There have been some mess ups, mistakes, oversights.....but SO WHAT!  We are doing this!  And we are doing it with passion and purpose.

I am always amazed at the people God puts together when we do a project.  Everyone at different stages of life with different experiences...different personalities.  The one thing that will connect us FOREVER is this experience, good bad or ugly.  I am "proud" to know each of you and to share this journey with you.  We have put in the work...we have had all kinds of challenges....deaths of loved ones, job transitions, relationship issues, accidents, house floods and many other things that were not verbalized but were felt each time we held hands in prayer or brushed past each other on stage.  That's called Family.

So as we move into our last few days together on this project (at least this part of it), let's relish every moment....because this time will never come again...not in this space with these people.  I personally thank you for giving your gifts, time and energy to this project...and for making The Falls live and breathe.  No one could do it like you. :-) 

bite of the day ~ Whether 3 or 433, we will give it our all.


another year....

Today, I am a year deeper into this thirtiesgirl life....and of course, being me, I'm in serious reflection.  I don't feel any different of course...but I do realize I am tipping the scale closer to the big 4-0 and further from my 20s.  I'm cool with that.  Really.  Especially since every other day I hear about some youngun' losing their life via sickness, accident...a bullet or four.  I am grateful to be 36.  I would never lie about my age, although a lot of folks tell me I dont look as old as I am.  That's relative.  I will say I still struggle with "the moments".   My mother is always telling me to mind my moments cause they make up my life....her way of saying "RELAX!!!" lol

I admit, I am anal.  Period.  And in this new year of life, I am not going to apologize for it anymore.  I am an idealist and I think things should be a certain way.  In my 36th year, I will not apologize for it.  I am high strung (due to being anal and an idealist).  I accept this fact and will not apologize for it.  I am an analyzer.  I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR IT. 

With that being said, I want to be around for as long as it takes to fulfill plan and purpose i.e. I ain't going out via no heart attack due to stress.  I relish getting OLDER but I don't want to get old, once again, due to stress.  So in this 36th year of my life, I am committed to looking more at the lighter side of life, not taking myself (or anyone else) too seriously, doing those things that bring a smile to my face (and others), surrounding myself with people who feed my life, not drain it.....and I commit to giving and RECEIVING the deepest kind of love possible from every source that comes across my path.  I am committed to NOT worry about my future and who will be in it...big people or little people.

I am a thirtiesgirl....and life is too short for the BS....and that's just keeping it real.  I feel a change coming....and at 36, I'm all for change.  Stay's about to get interesting....:-).

bite of the day ~ Live life, one bite at a time.