July 24, 2014

Birthday Blues...

"You want TOO MUCH!!!"
-Mia Farrow in The Great Gatsby

I had this grandiose plan for my 40th.  I'm talking international trippin', baby!  Family, friends all invited...time, money and the ability to have a GREAT TIME would be the only prerequisites.  I was to have the details of this fabulous and ultimate birthday celebration locked down by LAST August, in order to give folks plenty of time to stack the dollars, and if applicable, find some unsuspecting but safe sucker to watch the kids for 7-10 days.  Of course, I did not do this.  As a matter of fact, here I sit WEEKS away from my birthday and not only have I not booked a trip...I haven't even decided on a destination! Worse than that....I JUST, after nearly 2 years since my name change, sent in for a corrected passport.  This is beyond procrastination.  Sigh.

 I am truly looking forward to turning 40.  I honestly feel something huge and wonderful is on the horizon in my life.  At the same time, I can't shake this nagging...anxious feeling.  Why am I dragging my feet?  Why the indecisiveness?  I think I finally got it.

i don't want my birthday to suck.

Let me explain.  My 18th sucked.  My 21st double SUCKED.  I don't remember my 30th...and maybe because by that time I had changed my attitude about my birthday.  I stopped expecting it to be special...and I surely stopped expecting anyone else to make it special.  I started just being grateful to be alive and healthy and sane (halfway at least lol)...and because my expectations were no longer high, I started actually enjoying my birthdays.  I had plans or I didn't.  I just started flowing with it.

But this 40th...it seems it's too major to just fly by the seat of my pants.  It's too much of a milestone to NOT be marked with something different and special and exciting!!!  Yet every time I've attempted to even think about a plan, I feel drained.  Tired.  Unmotivated.  Why???

I talked to my father about it during his summer visit.  He of course asked me questions until I wanted to scream...forcing me to get to the root.  The conclusion?  I believe, while I'm looking forward to turning 40 and I have many great things presently and on the horizon, like so many others...

life is not what I thought it would be at 40...

I had no vision of going to Paris or Rome or Madrid without a ringed hand clasping mine...or even a ring less hand attached to someone I was in deep LIKE with.  Calling home to check on the "mini me and him".  Call the agent to say hold the contract until we get back.  Real Talk.  Perhaps this is why it took me so long to update my passport and why I haven't been able to decide on a trip.  It's not that I still want to be the name on the passport because I don't. It's simply that I didn't think I would be in this place PERIOD by this scene of my life's play. 

I don't know.  Maybe I can just ride this birthday out and let it be what it's going to be without forcing The Fabulous.  Because anything forced still will not make the cut in my mind.  Do I want too much?  Perhaps.  But...um....so?

bite of the day ~ Life may not be how you imagined, but if you are still on the upside of the ground, it is  ALL GOOD.  There's still a chance to make your dreams come true.  And as the old folks say, it could ALWAYS be so much worse.  I'm blessed.


1 comment:

  1. In my experience life never happens in quite the way you expect and that's what makes it interesting. Leave the planned life for others and live one full of adventures!