February 27, 2014

Why I didn't watch the last season of SCANDAL...

My interaction on other people's pages on Facebook is usually hitting the like or share buttons.  Don't comment as much as I just observe.  But when I came across a status that read "One word...One Word You Would Want People To Use To Describe You..."..for some reason I felt compelled to comment.  The first word to pop in my head was "ABNORMAL." There were many other words that followed...but it's something about that organic unedited FIRST response...before the pondering and over analyzing.

Back in the day, all I wanted was to feel "normal"...fit in.  As early as I can remember, I was The Girl Who...Wasn't.  I just wasn't. I was either behind or in front of the curve...but never spot on it.  It didn't matter whether I was at school, church or with family....there were very few people that I could genuinely relate to...or who I didn't feel abnormal around or even judged by. For a good part of my adolescence, like so many others, I seriously struggled with self-image and self-esteem issues.  Trying to find my place, in high school, I decided (after some persuading by my best friend) to try out for the cheerleading squad.  I was already in the marching band, but that was different.  I had looked up to the uber-popular cheerleaders with their short pleated skirts and Nikes with bells attached from a distance, secretly wondering how it felt to be them, at the same time never seeing myself among them.  And for good reason.  I was barely past my tomboy phase.  I didn't pay attention to them at the games, didn't know any cheers, flips or jumps....I actually had to learn how to do the split just to try out!

When one of my football player friends found out what I was up to, he said to me, in front of everyone, "Don't do that.  You not like them girls...".  Well, my version of low self-esteem didn't EVER manifest in a quiet, meek, head hanging low type of way.  I have always been...fiery.  I was indignant and pissed because what I heard was "You NOT AS GOOD AS those girls.  YOU wouldn't fit in with them." Quickly, he clarified. "You're a good girl....them girls are fast."  I didn't know anything about all that....but I knew I wasn't listening to him. I WANTED to be apart of that group of girls, "fast" or not...if they would have me. Amazingly, I made it.  But nothing changed on the inside. I still wasn't like....anyone.  I couldn't relate to anyone.  Nothing against them.  Most of them were good people and we got along....but I STILL didn't fit in. 

The quest for normalcy continued in college.  This time I was after those coveted letters of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Incorporated, the official right to rock the crimson & cream on the yard and to be recognized EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD as a Distinguished Delta.  Then MAYBE, just maybe I'd feel NORMAL.  When I finally did pledge, you guessed it.  Still apart of the group but not OF the group....kinda like IN the world but not OF the world.  Still didn't FIT.  

By this time, I had finally started dealing with my internal issues and made my peace with who God has made me...and why.  I'm NEVER going to fit in...I will NEVER feel normal inside, cause guess what?  I AM NOT NORMAL. I may look it...but it's merely a disguise. :-)  After I accepted this fact, I stopped trying to be and actually have become quite adverse to the idea of normalcy.  Normal equals what everyone else i.e. The Crowd is doing and being.  Which brings me to SCANDAL.

I actually love the show.  It's extremely well written, well acted, exciting and all that jazz.  I watched (albeit online after the fact) the first & second seasons.  And I had every intention to watch last season.  But when I would have the time, oddly, I didn't have the DESIRE.  I began to ponder WHY DON'T I WANT TO WATCH SCANDAL??? Finally,  I had an AHA moment.  EVERYBODY seems to watch Scandal.  If you are not able to be in front of your TV on Thursday nights, DON'T log on to ANY social media cause folks will ruin it for you!  EVERYBODY seems to be obsessed with Olivia Pope, Fitz and the Gladiators, even calling themselves by the coveted name.  Scandal has become NORMAL.  And, subconsciously, it turned me off.  Because I don't do....NORMAL. 

bite of the day ~  I hope I can watch Scandal again.  But if I never have the desire, I won't force it. When you finally submit to your TRUE SELF, you will embrace standing apart from The Crowd and just BE-ING YOU. 


February 13, 2014

What If...

The other day I ran into a family friend at an event.  A friend who I usually just joke and talk trash with when we are in each other's presence.  He told me he wanted to share something with me before we left.  Of course, after the event he tried.

 "I've always wanted to tell you...well, I've never gotten the chance to tell you...."

Before he could get it out, a group congregated around us and the moment passed.  We exchanged looks as I shrugged my shoulders.  "Just call me later." I mouthed.  A couple of days later, he did. 

The Words...specific, reflective, encouraging, extremely complimentary....and surprising, but in a beautiful way.  No ulterior motives he said, but have always wanted to tell me his thoughts...about me. Whether his last statement is true or not, his taking the time (and courage) to do something that I'm sure was uncomfortable for him touched me.

As an actor, an exercise I do in order to pull up different emotions is stand in the mirror and think about different "WHAT IF" scenarios.  If I must cry, all I have to do is think of something happening to anyone I love.  Sometimes, if I really need to go there, I purposely think of someone who is currently living, like my parents or siblings, dying.  I allow myself to believe that it's real.  That's enough to send me into a bonafide tizzy.

Lately, I've been applying this WHAT IF exercise to life in general.  WHAT IF this person who I am furious with at this moment suddenly croaked, how would I feel?  Would what they did to piss me off even matter anymore?  WHAT IF my mother, who works my nerve occasionally (and vice versa lol)...what if something happened to her...an accident, sickness or sudden death....would these small irritations matter in the least?  Would I be sure that she knew how I feel about her, how much she matters in my life?  I wouldn't be sure if I never expressed it.

I have in particular been using the WHAT IF when it comes to dealing with men these days.  I am very much a woman who believes that the man is supposed to pursue the woman..in fact, because of some past experiences, I'm now adamant about it. On top of that, I usually cover nerves & shyness with sass & a smart mouth. IJS.  To balance, I force myself to think...WHAT IF I never reach out to this man at those moments when I REALLY want to, simply because I'm tallying up who texted or called the other last.  WHAT IF something happens to him and I didn't take the opportunity out of fear of rejection or hurt or just issues..to let him know how awesome I think he is or that he simply puts a smile on my face?  

What if I go through this life without ever giving this gift that has been given to me over and over again to others?

bite of the day ~ Reach out to someone who you've never told (or who you don't tell often enough)...how special they are to you TODAY. With no expectations of their response.  A relative. A friend.  A prospective more-than-friend.  You don't know what it will do for them.  I know what it will do for you.  FREEDOM...and relief.  Selah.