My interaction on other people's pages on Facebook is usually hitting the like or share buttons. Don't comment as much as I just observe. But when I came across a status that read "One word...One Word You Would Want People To Use To Describe You..."..for some reason I felt compelled to comment. The first word to pop in my head was "ABNORMAL." There were many other words that followed...but it's something about that organic unedited FIRST response...before the pondering and over analyzing.
Back in the day, all I wanted was to feel "normal"...fit in. As early as I can remember, I was The Girl Who...Wasn't. I just wasn't. I was either behind or in front of the curve...but never spot on it. It didn't matter whether I was at school, church or with family....there were very few people that I could genuinely relate to...or who I didn't feel abnormal around or even judged by. For a good part of my adolescence, like so many others, I seriously struggled with self-image and self-esteem issues. Trying to find my place, in high school, I decided (after some persuading by my best friend) to try out for the cheerleading squad. I was already in the marching band, but that was different. I had looked up to the uber-popular cheerleaders with their short pleated skirts and Nikes with bells attached from a distance, secretly wondering how it felt to be them, at the same time never seeing myself among them. And for good reason. I was barely past my tomboy phase. I didn't pay attention to them at the games, didn't know any cheers, flips or jumps....I actually had to learn how to do the split just to try out!
When one of my football player friends found out what I was up to, he said to me, in front of everyone, "Don't do that. You not like them girls...". Well, my version of low self-esteem didn't EVER manifest in a quiet, meek, head hanging low type of way. I have always been...fiery. I was indignant and pissed because what I heard was "You NOT AS GOOD AS those girls. YOU wouldn't fit in with them." Quickly, he clarified. "You're a good girl....them girls are fast." I didn't know anything about all that....but I knew I wasn't listening to him. I WANTED to be apart of that group of girls, "fast" or not...if they would have me. Amazingly, I made it. But nothing changed on the inside. I still wasn't like....anyone. I couldn't relate to anyone. Nothing against them. Most of them were good people and we got along....but I STILL didn't fit in.
The quest for normalcy continued in college. This time I was after those coveted letters of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Incorporated, the official right to rock the crimson & cream on the yard and to be recognized EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD as a Distinguished Delta. Then MAYBE, just maybe I'd feel NORMAL. When I finally did pledge, you guessed it. Still apart of the group but not OF the group....kinda like IN the world but not OF the world. Still didn't FIT.
By this time, I had finally started dealing with my internal issues and made my peace with who God has made me...and why. I'm NEVER going to fit in...I will NEVER feel normal inside, cause guess what? I AM NOT NORMAL. I may look it...but it's merely a disguise. :-) After I accepted this fact, I stopped trying to be and actually have become quite adverse to the idea of normalcy. Normal equals what everyone else i.e. The Crowd is doing and being. Which brings me to SCANDAL.
I actually love the show. It's extremely well written, well acted, exciting and all that jazz. I watched (albeit online after the fact) the first & second seasons. And I had every intention to watch last season. But when I would have the time, oddly, I didn't have the DESIRE. I began to ponder WHY DON'T I WANT TO WATCH SCANDAL??? Finally, I had an AHA moment. EVERYBODY seems to watch Scandal. If you are not able to be in front of your TV on Thursday nights, DON'T log on to ANY social media cause folks will ruin it for you! EVERYBODY seems to be obsessed with Olivia Pope, Fitz and the Gladiators, even calling themselves by the coveted name. Scandal has become NORMAL. And, subconsciously, it turned me off. Because I don't do....NORMAL.
bite of the day ~ I hope I can watch Scandal again. But if I never have the desire, I won't force it. When you finally submit to your TRUE SELF, you will embrace standing apart from The Crowd and just BE-ING YOU.