December 13, 2012


I drove in this morning to work instead of taking the train.   Company Christmas Party at Trump Towers this evening.  Not that I care much for these affairs.  Yes, I like to eat, drink and be merry. But I don't enjoy the pretense and awkwardness of standing around making small talk. I'm too real. I will usually slip up and say something....well, real. With the goal of making a genuine connection, I guess.  I almost skipped it altogether. Nay.  Can't come off as the snooty anti-social black girl. I'm darn near Barack at my company i.e. almost the only one of my kind.  Almost. They're good people.  So, I try....sometimes.   
I'm comfortable in silence, especially in the morning.   I've always been that way.  But over the years, I've made adjustments for other's sakes in lieu of being deemed moody.  Today, God beckoned a morning conversation.  Probably because He knows the thoughts and feelings that have been swirling around inside me.  Enough to choke hope and dreams a like.  The abyss has been looming nearby, waiting for me to slip in.  He wanted me to SAY SOMETHING.  So between greens and yellows and reds, slowly I began to verbalize aloud goodness, mercy, favor and blessing over, not just myself, but my loved ones.  I didn't "feel" any different afterwards honestly.  But faith is not feelings, right?
Yesterday, I declared to my co-workers that I would stay at the party until after the raffle because I planned to win the free airline tickets.  Mind you, in almost 14 years, I've NEVER won any raffle at my job.  But I said, "It's My Time." I actually wasn't putting much thought into it....part of the "small talk" of the day. But it became a minor point of discussion with others actually saying they hope I win.
Guess what?  I did win.  The Spanish wine and cheese basket.  The prize right after the airline tickets.  A year when we had the most attendees ever, all of which were entered into the raffle...I was one of the 5 "random" winners.  In that moment, God continued this morning's conversation.  "Wonder what your faith could pull to you if you really focused it?" Jesus, the universe and all in it was giving me a small glimpse of my power....glimpses revealed before, but I seem to forget when the steel boot of this life is kicking me in the hind parts.
An old friend once told me that God showed him that I was a queen...and not like "my black African queen princess sista!".  Like a ruler.  A queen.  He said that's why I act the way that I do.  He didn't mean it as a compliment, mind you.  I didn't understand.  Wanted to know what God showed him...what did he mean I was a queen in the "other world...the spirit"???  How do I act?  He wouldn't elaborate.  I didn't ask again...but I hid it in my heart.
Dear God of the Universe: What have you made me?  What is my power pull? Cause all I know is I'M NORMAL...IN DISGUISE. Selah.

bite of the day ~  What are you pulling to YOU?