April 16, 2011

making happy

The tree tops are swaying....tiny leaves starting to burst forth.  I stare out of one of the many windows in this place....looking to God's nature for solace...a sign?  Of what?  I don't know. It's a cloudy rainy windy Spring day and I've been posted up in the apartment for all of it.  Reading, praying, soaking in a hot bubbly African oily bath....listening to my Ipod. Some old Brian McKnight is playing now.  I can't describe how I feel at this moment except to say I'm "making happy".  I'm choosing to.  I make happy when I don't actually FEEL happy.... 

These days I find myself looking at the date, whether on the large electronic sign on the train platform, on my ride's digital dashboard...or on my tiny cell phone screen.....I see the date and it always feels like there's some significance.  Always feels like I'm waiting for something to happen....for some realization to hit.  For some memory to surface that will satisfy that feeling.  It never really comes.  But somewhere deep inside, I feel like I'm on the verge of....something.  And the days keep going by with that lingering feeling chained to my neck.

What I am coming to understand is I have to "make happy"....cause it won't happen by osmosis.  A happy excellent wonderful fulfilling life will NOT happen automatically for anyone.  I have to leave fear behind, take courage and embrace change....embrace, not the future, but the moments I'm living right now.  I have to decide what makes me happy, which sounds simple.  Maybe for some it is.  For me, it's been a challenge to organically decide, not only what makes me happy, but WHAT I WANT.  Not what others want.  Not what I THINK others want from me.  Not what's expected.  But what is in my heart.

I no longer want to be swayed by others (including society) and their actions when it comes to my value, my worth....my life.  I will be what I want to be.  My prayer is that my wants line up with what God wants.   No.  Correction: I will be what I AM.  And I will embrace those who are supposed to be in my world....the one that I've made happy.  All others, I have to let go.....

bite of the day ~ Choose to make your life happy, regardless of persons, places (where you find yourself) or things (haves or have nots).


April 13, 2011

seasons change

J'adore Spring!  And this one, although not in full bloom, I am especially looking forward to.  I NEED this Spring.  I need the flowers to burst with color, the trees filled with leaves...I even need the misty showers...warm and wet.  I need the sun to beam down on me....thaw out my icy broken heart.  I am the sun.  I need to learn to shine my light in all seasons of my life. 

Because this winter here....it almost took all of my strength, my courage...my faith.  It almost strangled the hope and love and....life out of me.  It almost choked any possibility of dreams fulfilled and destinies reached.  It clawed and jabbed and stabbed and....marked me.  But then.....

I walked a brisk, determined walk to my apartment after work today.  Pulling myself into each step....rushing as usual.  Then I thought...it's SPRING.  A dawning came over me as I slowed my pace....observing the now familiar buildings, trees...bushes.  One that looked barren was starting to bud...little baby buds.  I almost missed it for the rush.  I exhaled.  Spring.  I need this.  I want this.  I smile, finally, in this.  My heart is on the mend and I sing inside. GLORY HALLELUJAH!

The winter of my life is over.  What's next?