it's all UPhill from here!

The alarm went off with an irritating blare but my eyes still couldn't manage to open.  Instead, instinctively, my arm dropped over to the other side of the bed.  Yep.  Empty.  Love had been up and off to work for at least 2 hours, as usual.  But today is a different day.  Today, we have been in married (sometimes) bliss  for 7 whole years.  SEVEN YEARS!  Feels like a lifetime ago that I was a 20-something virgin bride, ready to marry my version of a Prince and live out my version of happily ever after. Didn't take long for reality to kick fantasy right out our 1 bedroom apartment window and down our suburban street to another unsuspecting couple.  Don't get me wrong...Love is a Prince, just not my pre-marriage fantasy version.  And little perfect me with my quick tongue, fragile emotions and rebellious ways have shocked him out of fantasy on more than a few occasions. :-)  The unexpected has dominated the short time we've been married and I suspect the future holds more of the same.  Ah!  The drama of life! 

So what have I learned in these past 7 years?  Marriage can bring out the deep in you.  Deep Beauty.  Deep Love.  Deep anger.  Deep ugly.  These last 7 years have taught me how desperately I need God so the good side of the deep can be my companion on the regular.  I've learned that reality can be better than fantasy when I SEE a real person and accept him for the unique Royalty he is.  When I pay enough attention, I see my real Prince, through good bad and ugly.  That trumps fantasy anyday!

  

What does Year 7 mean to me?  Completion.  The deal is sealed. But tentatively.  This is hump year.  My parents, whom I love, divorced in Year 7.  And everyone in the world talks about the 7 year itch.  Well, this is when my rebellious ways kick into high gear.  I'm on the offense.  Love harder, forgive often and leap over the camel's back.  If it's up to me, there will be no generational curses sweeping through my house.

I shared with a divorced friend at work as we rode up the elevator this morning that today was my 7 year wedding anniversary.  We both laughed as he said "uh oh.  It's all downhill from here!" A second later I was in the elevator alone with a smile lingering on my face. I thought and then I said, "No.  It's all UPhill from here!"

bite of the day ~ Change a negative into a positive. No matter what society says, it's up to you.  Pray for us.  This is the best year of our marriage thus far!

thirtiesgirl

confidence

When I was truly a "girl", I seriously lacked the above.  But only the most elite of my circle knew it.  I guess the "acting" began way back then.  Although I was really an opinionated, strong-willed person...if I was around someone i.e. the popular folks, who I felt was prettier, smarter or wiser than I, I would quietly fall to the side.  I was too strong to fall in line behind them or to follow the crowd....but too timid to challenge them either.

As I have matured, I've learned to stand up for myself and what I believe in...to be confident in the things I know and in who I am.  But to also know when I don't know enough.  Confidence coupled with wisdom to know when to speak up and when silence is the stronger position.  Now that I've joined the "other team", and I am seen as one of the confident ones...I still find myself acting at times.  Difference now is I'm EXPECTED to have the answers, to lead, to stand strong, to produce something...to create.  And it MUST be good, great, excellent.

There are those of us who put this pressure on ourselves and those of us who allow the pressure to be placed on us from the outside.  Comparing ourselves with ourselves.  Struggling to be the best, produce the best.  Struggling to show that YOU ARE SOMEBODY and that you deserve to be among the intelligencia, the beautiful, the creatively perfect....the elite.  Struggling with the inner demons of defeat, self-doubt...and not good-enough-ness.  Self-sabotage it is to struggle.

For you see, you already are somebody.....you are already the best...you already possess the Good-Enough-Ness.  This is for me and mine...and for you and yours.

bite of the day ~ Let the struggle end. 

thirtiesgirl

paint lessons

We've been in our condo for nearly 6 years and amazingly, we still have not finished decorating the whole place!  The reasons? We pay cash for MOST things (including furniture)...and TIME/ENERGY (to complete a project)....which is the biggest hurdle.  So needless to say, I've been planning to paint the guest bedroom for years, but decided I'd better get to it before this Christmas since my in-laws were coming to spend the holiday with us.  Talk about crunch time!  

For some reason, green has become one of my favorite colors....not dark boring green or cheap looking neon green....but smooth cool green.   So to my love's horror, I found a color called asparagus months ago which I was SURE would be perfect!  But as I went to buy the paint last week, confident and determined to get it done, love kept reminding me "This is YOUR project.  If you mess it up, it's on YOU!"....I became a little nervous...and a bit indecisive.

As a result, I got another peek into my soul.  The big Revelation?  I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH RISK.  There!  I said it.  As creative and different and everything else that I think I am, I must admit, I like to play it safe.  I like to have a plan....not only a plan, but one that I am relatively positive will be successful.  Instability or the unknown?  Let's just say they don't take me to the happy place.

So there I was in Home Depot staring at the color palettes on the wall, practically shaking from cold feet like a nervous bride on her wedding day. Will asparagus green be too loud?  Can I actually paint this room myself?  What if it doesn't turn out right?  What if it's down right UGLY?  WHAT IF I MAKE A MISTAKE!?!  Oh God!!!

After poring through the palettes...again, and going through the suggestions and tips on their trusty computer program....and asking a stranger her opinion....and getting help from the sales associate....I finally decided to grow some "balls" and go with my first mind.  I quickly ordered two cans of Asparagus Green and got the heck out of there before my doublemindedness (if that's a word...) kicked back in.

Thus far, I've only painted one coat and you know what?  It's doesn't look half bad.  As a matter of fact, I think it's going to turn out quite beautifully.  Even love said so.  Sigh (....of relief).  YEA!!! One decision down...a million to go!

bite of the day ~ Trust yourself.  Don't let fear of making a mistake stop you from trying something new or doing something different.

thirtiesgirl

good eatin'

The holidays are here...all too quickly, I might add!  And the good eatin' has officially begun.  This week alone I have three holiday lunches...and the official Christmas party at the job.  Of course, it's no longer called a "Christmas" party for all the conformers and politically correct folks in the world.  It's now the "Holiday Reception".  Whateva'!

Nevertheless, after my scrumptious Thanksgiving meal of  juicy garlicky Turkey (made by my very talented love),  Cornbread dressing, candied yams, mustard and turnip greens, mac and cheese, vanilla layered cake and cheesecake with whipped topping......the eating just seemed to continue.  So a thirtiesgirl like me has to find a way to enjoy all the festivities (I WILL NOT DEPRIVE MYSELF!!) without growing the gut or butt beyond repair.  So my health freak of a mamacita is always giving me little tips to keep the jiggle to a minimum and sickness at bay.  The most recent being CINNAMON and HONEY.

  This powerful duo is said to have crazy ridiculous health benefits like weight loss (apparently the mixture stops the body from accumulating fat...COULD THIS BE TRUE???), fights heart disease, hair loss, arthritis, yeast/bladder infections, indigestion and the lists goes on and on!

I've just added this to my regimen and I have high hopes. PLUS it is DELISH!  Smooth and sweet.  I simply boil water in a tea kettle, sprinkle some ground cinnamon in a large tea cup and pour the boiling water over it.  Then I add a nice tablespoon of honey and stir.  It's better than Hot Cocoa on a crispy cold night, I tell ya!  And if it does everything they say, I can definitely make this a permanent part of my life.  HALLELUJAH and pass the cheese! Just kidding.  Sigh.

bite of the day ~ Use Organic Cinnamon Powder and RAW Unheated Honey to get real benefits.  This combo can be consumed as a warm drink or taken straight from the spoon.  Enjoy! 

greatness

The other day, love and I visited a 3 story mansion called The Economy Shop where they hold special sales on antique and "gently used" items a couple times a month.  We LOVE going to places like this because you find little treasures that you won't find anywhere else.  I usually hit the book section (...my addiction)...and this shop had an especially nice selection.  I paid $8 for a delicious little collector's item called LEGENDS: Women Who Have Changed The World Through the Eyes of Great Women Writers.  Now I'm no feminist, but I believe in the power and equality of women.  I believe that God has a special purpose and plan for women besides popping out babies (...of course I want to be a baby popper too)...or being arm, leg, brain or any other kind of candy for a man.  All that to say, "the women" focus of the book is not what got me.  Audrey Hepburn, whom I love, on the cover was the initial draw, of course. :-) But this book, with its one page writings about 50 "extraordinary" PEOPLE...half of whom I knew little to nothing about, is continuing to open my eyes and raise questions in my soul.  What makes a person great?  What is the thread between all these women's stories?

I've never felt ordinary.  I desire to be great.  I believe I am.  Translating what's inside into something The World can see is usually the issue for most of us who feel this way.  Somehow Golda Meir and Oprah and Amelia Earhart and Frida Kahlo did it.  So as I read my new book, once again, I look for inspiration, wisdom and knowledge from those of the past and present.....those who walked through unchartered political, artistic, business and social territory to BECOME what was already inside.  I reach to learn more....and to be better.

bite of the day ~ BE GREAT. 

thirtiesgirl

another day...

The company I work for has recently gone high tech with internal job postings and benefit updates.  After jacking up my login twice and having to have it reset, I finally got into my personal page.  It has an ungodly amount of info on it.  I clicked on a tab that said "WORK".  It promptly reminded me that I've been with the company 10 YEARS 8 MONTHS and 9 DAYS.  Surely not!  How did I fall into this blackhole of a "9-5" life!?!  It was enough for me to want to run home and drown my sorrows in the last of the fattening homemade butter cookies I had tucked away in a zip-lock bag.  Now, I work for a great company...IF you want to work in corporate America and have a "normal" life....but for a lover of all things creative who never dreamed of working for someone else for the rest of her life, it feels like a slow torturous death at times.  I try to remind myself that my steps are ordered by God...I'm on assignment...there's a reason for everything....be GRATEFUL, etc etc blah blah blah.  But my God!  I can scream!  Today was one of those days.  I had to get out of the office...so I decided to walk to the bookstore.  Books...they are my addiction.  And forget that sleek electronic crap!  I love the feel of the page, the color on the cover, the various cuts of the paper...I love the smell of books.  Needless to say, going to any place that has the written word always lifts my spirits.  And today, I found a gem!  The Four Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss. 

 It literally called to me from the shelf!  It was like God was saying "the ball has BEEN in your court.  What you gonna do, girl?"  The few pages I read basically talked about maximizing your life NOW...not waiting until retirement or until you have some miraculous windfall of money before you start really living and having fulfillment EVERY DAY.  The power of books.  The power of words.  It was like a shot of sunshine on a dreary day.  After all that, can you believe that I didn't buy the book! lol!  Something said, "Wait."  Guess it was God because when I looked it up online later, a new expanded addition was just finished. So I'll be running out to get the new and improved version.  Once again, Evidence.  My steps really are ordered.  

bite of the day ~ Take inspiration where ever you can find it and use it to boost you to the next level of life.  Don't wait another day!  Pursue life NOW.  

thirtiesgirl

grandma

All this week you were on my mind.  I kept telling myself "you need to call your granny".  Kept saying "I'll do it today...on my lunch break".  Said it even yesterday.  I never did.  And now, I never will.

You are strong.  You are complicated.  You were fierce before anyone knew what it meant.  And you are my last....were my last GRAND-parent on this side.  Everyone always said I look just like you.  Loved the pic of you and grandpa in the "Cotton Club" days....sharp as ever.  Young and vibrant.  Years ahead of you.  Hard years. 

I remember the visits when it was just you and I....lounging in our jammies all day...talking and eating and laughing and fussing.  I remember you visiting me in college.  Still got one or two of those towels you bought ...and the small Native American purse (that's seen better days)....and the nail kit....and the....memories.  I remember when I finally got to hear you sing.  Remember the surprise solo in church....the operatic voice that came out of you!  I was shocked.  You had told me over and over again the stories, the regrets, the missed chances of your younger days, usually due to some "evil" person that was holding you back.  Maybe I didn't think they were true.  I remember out of all the rooms and beds in your house, I always wanted to sleep with you.  And we would talk way past our bedtime.  And I felt safe.

I'll miss your laugh.  The way you held out your few choice cuss words (Shiiiiiitttttttt). I smile.  Even as the tears come and the regret for missing that one last opportunity to say "I love you Grandma"...and to actually hear you say it back.  I will never forget our days.  I am grateful that I had you to myself..a lot back then.  But now,  I can force myself to be happy that you no longer suffer under doctors practicing, probing machines....and a body that just couldn't hold you anymore.

I love you deeply.  You are free.

bite of the day ~ NEVER ignore that small still inner voice.  God may be giving you a chance that will only come once.

thirtiesgirl