fickle...

When I started this post yesterday, it was about something a bit different.  Which proves my point perfectly.  sigh.

Something I've known for a long time slaps me in the face every now and then....feelings are fickle.  I mean, really.  One moment you feel like you are about to explode with....(insert an emotion)....and the next, you're fine.  One moment you feel like you have to say or do something to or with someone...and the next, poof.  That's exactly why we should NOT follow our feelings.  A lot of us don't know the difference between following our "heart" and those fickle feelings.  Heart to me means "spirit".  And if your heart or spirit is jacked, even for that moment, it's not a good idea to follow it either.  That is until you've had some quiet time with God and gotten your bearings. 

I know I can be an emotionally crazy person.  Yet, thank God, I've learned how to ride out my feelings over the years and not act in the moment.  This is both a blessing and a curse.  Sometimes I feel so...not free.  So inhibited.  Repressed even.  I have to think EVERYTHING out....I have to weigh the consequences in practically every situation.  If I SAY this, that will happen.  If I DO this, that will happen.  If I THINK this....that will happen. 

If I...if I....if I....then...then...then. ARGGGHHHH!!!!

Sometimes, I wish I could just be that person that DOES now and THINKS later.  Throw caution to the wind....walk on the wild side....rebel against the world....nay.  I actually care too much.  I care about my life...my future...my choices...my decisions...and their impact on others. 

Responsibility.  Obligation.  Can I let just a little bit of that go?  Sigh.

Yet today, I sit here with almost zombie-like feelings.  This is new.  The place I'm at, the things I've experienced....have left me RAW.  Numb.  But right under the surface...with even a small poke or slight slice of the skin....sensitive ultra tender fleshy me is revealed.  I'm in a bubble of a life right now...seeing, observing but not fully feeling the impact in the moment.  I imagine it's like a woman having a child with an epidural....she doesn't feel the pain of the delivery....until the medicine wears off...then BOOM!  I'm at the last of the shot...with the blast not too far behind.  I'm bracing myself.

bite of the day ~ pray.

thirtiesgirl

confidence

When I was truly a "girl", I seriously lacked the above.  But only the most elite of my circle knew it.  I guess the "acting" began way back then.  Although I was really an opinionated, strong-willed person...if I was around someone i.e. the popular folks, who I felt was prettier, smarter or wiser than I, I would quietly fall to the side.  I was too strong to fall in line behind them or to follow the crowd....but too timid to challenge them either.

As I have matured, I've learned to stand up for myself and what I believe in...to be confident in the things I know and in who I am.  But to also know when I don't know enough.  Confidence coupled with wisdom to know when to speak up and when silence is the stronger position.  Now that I've joined the "other team", and I am seen as one of the confident ones...I still find myself acting at times.  Difference now is I'm EXPECTED to have the answers, to lead, to stand strong, to produce something...to create.  And it MUST be good, great, excellent.

There are those of us who put this pressure on ourselves and those of us who allow the pressure to be placed on us from the outside.  Comparing ourselves with ourselves.  Struggling to be the best, produce the best.  Struggling to show that YOU ARE SOMEBODY and that you deserve to be among the intelligencia, the beautiful, the creatively perfect....the elite.  Struggling with the inner demons of defeat, self-doubt...and not good-enough-ness.  Self-sabotage it is to struggle.

For you see, you already are somebody.....you are already the best...you already possess the Good-Enough-Ness.  This is for me and mine...and for you and yours.

bite of the day ~ Let the struggle end. 

thirtiesgirl

paint lessons

We've been in our condo for nearly 6 years and amazingly, we still have not finished decorating the whole place!  The reasons? We pay cash for MOST things (including furniture)...and TIME/ENERGY (to complete a project)....which is the biggest hurdle.  So needless to say, I've been planning to paint the guest bedroom for years, but decided I'd better get to it before this Christmas since my in-laws were coming to spend the holiday with us.  Talk about crunch time!  

For some reason, green has become one of my favorite colors....not dark boring green or cheap looking neon green....but smooth cool green.   So to my love's horror, I found a color called asparagus months ago which I was SURE would be perfect!  But as I went to buy the paint last week, confident and determined to get it done, love kept reminding me "This is YOUR project.  If you mess it up, it's on YOU!"....I became a little nervous...and a bit indecisive.

As a result, I got another peek into my soul.  The big Revelation?  I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH RISK.  There!  I said it.  As creative and different and everything else that I think I am, I must admit, I like to play it safe.  I like to have a plan....not only a plan, but one that I am relatively positive will be successful.  Instability or the unknown?  Let's just say they don't take me to the happy place.

So there I was in Home Depot staring at the color palettes on the wall, practically shaking from cold feet like a nervous bride on her wedding day. Will asparagus green be too loud?  Can I actually paint this room myself?  What if it doesn't turn out right?  What if it's down right UGLY?  WHAT IF I MAKE A MISTAKE!?!  Oh God!!!

After poring through the palettes...again, and going through the suggestions and tips on their trusty computer program....and asking a stranger her opinion....and getting help from the sales associate....I finally decided to grow some "balls" and go with my first mind.  I quickly ordered two cans of Asparagus Green and got the heck out of there before my doublemindedness (if that's a word...) kicked back in.

Thus far, I've only painted one coat and you know what?  It's doesn't look half bad.  As a matter of fact, I think it's going to turn out quite beautifully.  Even love said so.  Sigh (....of relief).  YEA!!! One decision down...a million to go!

bite of the day ~ Trust yourself.  Don't let fear of making a mistake stop you from trying something new or doing something different.

thirtiesgirl

greatness

The other day, love and I visited a 3 story mansion called The Economy Shop where they hold special sales on antique and "gently used" items a couple times a month.  We LOVE going to places like this because you find little treasures that you won't find anywhere else.  I usually hit the book section (...my addiction)...and this shop had an especially nice selection.  I paid $8 for a delicious little collector's item called LEGENDS: Women Who Have Changed The World Through the Eyes of Great Women Writers.  Now I'm no feminist, but I believe in the power and equality of women.  I believe that God has a special purpose and plan for women besides popping out babies (...of course I want to be a baby popper too)...or being arm, leg, brain or any other kind of candy for a man.  All that to say, "the women" focus of the book is not what got me.  Audrey Hepburn, whom I love, on the cover was the initial draw, of course. :-) But this book, with its one page writings about 50 "extraordinary" PEOPLE...half of whom I knew little to nothing about, is continuing to open my eyes and raise questions in my soul.  What makes a person great?  What is the thread between all these women's stories?

I've never felt ordinary.  I desire to be great.  I believe I am.  Translating what's inside into something The World can see is usually the issue for most of us who feel this way.  Somehow Golda Meir and Oprah and Amelia Earhart and Frida Kahlo did it.  So as I read my new book, once again, I look for inspiration, wisdom and knowledge from those of the past and present.....those who walked through unchartered political, artistic, business and social territory to BECOME what was already inside.  I reach to learn more....and to be better.

bite of the day ~ BE GREAT. 

thirtiesgirl

another day...

The company I work for has recently gone high tech with internal job postings and benefit updates.  After jacking up my login twice and having to have it reset, I finally got into my personal page.  It has an ungodly amount of info on it.  I clicked on a tab that said "WORK".  It promptly reminded me that I've been with the company 10 YEARS 8 MONTHS and 9 DAYS.  Surely not!  How did I fall into this blackhole of a "9-5" life!?!  It was enough for me to want to run home and drown my sorrows in the last of the fattening homemade butter cookies I had tucked away in a zip-lock bag.  Now, I work for a great company...IF you want to work in corporate America and have a "normal" life....but for a lover of all things creative who never dreamed of working for someone else for the rest of her life, it feels like a slow torturous death at times.  I try to remind myself that my steps are ordered by God...I'm on assignment...there's a reason for everything....be GRATEFUL, etc etc blah blah blah.  But my God!  I can scream!  Today was one of those days.  I had to get out of the office...so I decided to walk to the bookstore.  Books...they are my addiction.  And forget that sleek electronic crap!  I love the feel of the page, the color on the cover, the various cuts of the paper...I love the smell of books.  Needless to say, going to any place that has the written word always lifts my spirits.  And today, I found a gem!  The Four Hour Work Week by Tim Ferriss. 

 It literally called to me from the shelf!  It was like God was saying "the ball has BEEN in your court.  What you gonna do, girl?"  The few pages I read basically talked about maximizing your life NOW...not waiting until retirement or until you have some miraculous windfall of money before you start really living and having fulfillment EVERY DAY.  The power of books.  The power of words.  It was like a shot of sunshine on a dreary day.  After all that, can you believe that I didn't buy the book! lol!  Something said, "Wait."  Guess it was God because when I looked it up online later, a new expanded addition was just finished. So I'll be running out to get the new and improved version.  Once again, Evidence.  My steps really are ordered.  

bite of the day ~ Take inspiration where ever you can find it and use it to boost you to the next level of life.  Don't wait another day!  Pursue life NOW.  

thirtiesgirl

angry men

A brotherNfriend of mine was "jumped" by 20+ guys outside of a nightclub this week. Why?  liquor. women. misunderstanding. foolishness. pride. 

The high of a watching crowd. Devils. Demons. They don't call the strong stuff "spirits" for nothin'.  And this was no hole in the wall.  Supposed to be civilized folks far removed from the hood.

What makes a man...a grown man... angry enough to put his hands, his fists, his foot on another?  Losing your temper to this point is a sign of weakness.  Bringing your boys along for the ride....COWARD should be tattooed across the eyelids.  Fake punkS. 

I went to see my brotherNfriend today....knowing he wasn't 100% in the right, but definitely didn't deserve to have to defend himself against a gang of angry men.  Had to lay eyes on him to make sure the aloe vera and vitamin E I brought was strong enough medicine.  Had to make sure he wasn't torn to pieces...guts bursting at the seams....head smashed in like the baby from Fenger High. When I got off the elevator...I heard a door opening...and there he stood.  Gauze on half of his forehead, a fixin' on one broke finger....scratches...puffy...but ALIVE.  And strong.  Talking, walking, seeing, hearing.  A miracle.

The angels had to block the majority of those blows. sigh.

bite of the day ~ GOD LIVES.  Now live for Him. 

thirtiesgirl

pressure

Sometimes good enough just is not....good enough. Sometimes what you're giving is everything you have to give at that moment...even if it's still not good enough. Sometimes the intense desire to succeed and "do good"....to excel...to be great....is so heavy that you feel like you're sinking. That's when I have to stop. Just stop. I need a mental, physical and most of all, spiritual recharge.......before I snap.

sigh.

bite of the day ~ don't be afraid to just STOP. Take a breath. Try. Try Again.

thirtiesgirl

compassion? not so much...

Being that all we had in the frig was frozen food, I decided to go to the grocery store and pick up a couple of items. My intention was to drop in and quickly grab bottled water and juice only....but unfortunately, I'm a sucker for BUY ONE GET ONE FREE sales. So 40 plus bucks later, I head back to my vehicle to unload. Out the corner of my eye I see someone approaching....vaguely hearing words come in my direction. A black woman with short curly blondish hair was indeed speaking to me. Being that I live in a major urban city....I'm used to the "begging" hustle. I can literally spot game a mile away. Her first words were "Excuse me...this ain't no homeless stuff or nothing like that....". In a split second I gave her the once over to decide if she was getting a penny out of me. Mouth in desperate need of a dentist visit....walking on the back of what was most likely house shoes...and last but not least, a cheesy "I don't mean no harm" grin with words spilling out way too quickly. I smelled a lie, so I stopped her mid-sentence. "I don't have any cash on me, if that's what you're about to ask." She nodded with a laugh, said that was exactly what she needed and moved on to the next possible....sucker?

Now don't get me wrong. I give, not only through my church and my job, but to folks on the street, train....wherever. My favorite is a gentleman who sings reggae on the train. He's loud, gifted and makes my ride home from work just a little more interesting. AND he's not just asking for money.....he's giving a service (entertainment). I can respect that, which is why he gets my donation everytime.

Now, I'm suspicious by nature, but the more street-wise I become, the more skeptical. This is not necessarily a good thing.

I watched as "blondie" worked the parking lot, telling her story...even at one point pulling out her I.D. trying to prove her sincerity. As skeptical as I've become, I always feel a little bad for not giving to everyone who asks. Did I mis-judge this lady? Maybe she really did need money for something legit? Maybe she's not like the guy working the Popeyes drive-thru begging for .75 for bus fare to get home....only to give the same story a month later, but this time he was 20 lbs lighter. Crack kills. Sigh.

bite of the day ~ don't let the crooks of the world taint you and your natural impulse to do good. show compassion, even to those who may not deserve it. the good will come back to you!

thirtiesgirl

bit-size pieces

The day before my birthday, I stared at my frame in the mirror in front of me and my reflection in the full length in back (Ugh!?! Whose butt is that???), and thought, "Girl...you are almost 35 years old." My God! That's 3 1/2 decades....5 years from 40...2 years more than Jesus walked the earth!?! Fact of the matter is, I don't feel 30 anything inside...whatever that means. Yeah, my shape is fuller...I'm taller...I'm wiser (I hope! lol!)....but the reality is I still feel like that same 11-year-old girl humpin' it up that hot Texas hill to school, another day of struggling through a Rudyard Kipling poem awaiting me. That girl who was always standing in the crowd, but never a part of it. Different. Misunderstood? That's how I felt inside...always. Now instead of a classroom filled with kids I mostly can't relate to...it's a corporate office. Always in but mainly not of. Sixth grade is when I finally accepted this one fact of my life: IT'S OK TO BE DIFFERENT. ACTUALLY, IT'S AWESOME! Standing outside of the "like everyone else" box gives me more room to be uniquely who God created me to be. I've found over the years that I attract other "different" somebodies....outcasts who turned into genuine, many times, lifelong friends. Now, I was probably an outcast mainly because I acted my age and simply wanted to "do good". Whatever that meant, I aspired to achieve it. Being different now has translated into marching to my own beat. I don't need an entourage, posse or clique. If I want to eat lunch at 2:30 in the afternoon and the rest of my department goes together at 11:30 in the morning...I feel no pressure to change anything to be APART of the group. No matter the pressures of society, especially these days, I don't have to be a traditional daughter, wife, sister or woman. I don't have to follow the popular politics or be politically correct. I just have to be genuinely the me God made. Before my revelation in 6th grade, HA!!!

Since I turned 35, I've realized that I am a GirlnWoman. Experiences, both hellified and heavenly, separates me from my 11-year-old self, nonetheless....I am her. The girl still humping it up the hill of life....living in bite-size pieces. Still searching for that balanced level ground.

bite of the day ~ embrace the lessons learned by your younger self & use them to help propel you up each hill of life.

thirtiesgirl