conversations with GOD

dear God:

it was 5 months ago today that i started ...officially started this part of my journey. alone but with courage and strength. ok, maybe the strength wasn't completely my own, nevertheless i drew from it...allowed it to cushion me from the blows of this life.  but it only lasted a short season. maybe that was Your plan.  i had not a clue.  all i know is when the helmet was removed...the body pads...the goggles....the all -weather timberland boots....the thick protective gloves...when all of that was removed, there i stood.  naked, with bloodied hands and feet....legs and arms black & blue...back open....eyes filled with glass tears. and i questioned YOU. screamed "WHERE ARE YOU GOD???"  You quietly answered "I AM".  but i could not hear You for the noise in my head, in my heart. never had i imagined that i would feel so low....uncertain. life, my life was NOT supposed to go like this.  i was the good girl that tried to do everything right.  always wanting to please, to not make mistakes, to be in favor.  i was the one confident in my future because i had done the "right" things.  yet, there i stood...bloodied...bruised & glassy-eyed.  i was hurt and angry and pissed. at You?  i'm still not sure, but i questioned if i wanted You anymore...if i wanted to be the good girl anymore.  what's the point if i end up here anyway?  that was until i finally quieted the screams enough to hear. i heard You.  i felt You again. "I AM".  the glass that had cut and clouded my eyes began to  fall out piece by PEACE.  the black and blue is beginning to give way to my caramel again.  the slices in my back are scabbing over.  HEALING.  yet i still won't exhale.  the journey  is really just beginning.  i am told i haven't  gotten to the hard part yet.  perhaps.  the difference will be i will  cushion myself with YOU.  YOU ARE MY STRENGTH.  selah.

bite of the day ~  Jesus carry me...cause i canNOT walk.

thirtiesgirl

change

It's amazing how quickly everything changes.  Feelings.  Thoughts.  Knowing.  Life.

This time last year, where was I?  Not here. Not. Here.  The walls echo with one voice these days.  Doesn't seem like that will change anytime soon.  Oh.  I remember...last year this time.  I was looking into Hump Year.  Year 7.  Wow.  How quickly things change.  No.  The real.  Things SEEM to change overnight.  Things SEEM to "just happen".  The sucker punches SEEM to come out of nowhere.  But ThE REAL?  The real is nothing happens overnight.  It bubbles under the surface for minutes and moments and days and weeks and...years.  Even 7 Years.  Nothing "just happens".  Happenings happen when choices are made.  Conscious.  Subconscious.  Smart.  Dumb. Quick. Thought-Out....CHOICES.  And those infamous sucker punches.  The kind that catch you off guard.  Maybe with your head turned....back exposed....ready for the end of an invisible yet piercingly sharp knife.  Exposed to the one you thought you could trust.  The one you chose to trust.  The one you loved.  The one you still love.  Yeah....those are the worst kind of sucker punches because they are strong enough to get through the wall that was built brick by brick with each word, look, choice.  Bad choice. sigh.

Bite of the Day ~ The only constant is change....so they say.  Pull your head out of the sand, so at least you can see it coming.

thirtiesgirl

...this is it....

....this is the hard part.  keeping your word...no matter what.  no matter what the other person does.....keeping your integrity.  no matter how much you long and want....no.  this is the hard part.  when you've been wronged and have every right to....do it.  when you've been wronged but you're the one feeling guilty....guilty for responding naturally.  but we are not supposed to be just natural....not just "mere men".  that's what they say.  but this is the hard part.  everything inside is screaming to be heard....to connect...to just....BE.  pull back when you want to run forward.  push away when you want to pull in.  love when you want to hate.  don't when you want to....do.  laugh when you want to cry.  shut up when you want to express.  think when you want to stop....thinking of consequence.  stay when you want to go?  or do you?  this is definitely the hard part.

i do the things that i ought not do...the things i ought, i don't. no fantasies.  only the real.  reality.  there it goes again.  that thought.  no.

bite of the day ~ i don't know about next lifetime....but maybe in somebody's, we'll get it right. love.

thirtiesgirl

fickle...

When I started this post yesterday, it was about something a bit different.  Which proves my point perfectly.  sigh.

Something I've known for a long time slaps me in the face every now and then....feelings are fickle.  I mean, really.  One moment you feel like you are about to explode with....(insert an emotion)....and the next, you're fine.  One moment you feel like you have to say or do something to or with someone...and the next, poof.  That's exactly why we should NOT follow our feelings.  A lot of us don't know the difference between following our "heart" and those fickle feelings.  Heart to me means "spirit".  And if your heart or spirit is jacked, even for that moment, it's not a good idea to follow it either.  That is until you've had some quiet time with God and gotten your bearings. 

I know I can be an emotionally crazy person.  Yet, thank God, I've learned how to ride out my feelings over the years and not act in the moment.  This is both a blessing and a curse.  Sometimes I feel so...not free.  So inhibited.  Repressed even.  I have to think EVERYTHING out....I have to weigh the consequences in practically every situation.  If I SAY this, that will happen.  If I DO this, that will happen.  If I THINK this....that will happen. 

If I...if I....if I....then...then...then. ARGGGHHHH!!!!

Sometimes, I wish I could just be that person that DOES now and THINKS later.  Throw caution to the wind....walk on the wild side....rebel against the world....nay.  I actually care too much.  I care about my life...my future...my choices...my decisions...and their impact on others. 

Responsibility.  Obligation.  Can I let just a little bit of that go?  Sigh.

Yet today, I sit here with almost zombie-like feelings.  This is new.  The place I'm at, the things I've experienced....have left me RAW.  Numb.  But right under the surface...with even a small poke or slight slice of the skin....sensitive ultra tender fleshy me is revealed.  I'm in a bubble of a life right now...seeing, observing but not fully feeling the impact in the moment.  I imagine it's like a woman having a child with an epidural....she doesn't feel the pain of the delivery....until the medicine wears off...then BOOM!  I'm at the last of the shot...with the blast not too far behind.  I'm bracing myself.

bite of the day ~ pray.

thirtiesgirl

this is dedicated....

....to the cast and crew of my latest stageplay, "The Falls". 

I always get a little nervous the closer we get to a "performance".  Will everything go as planned?  Will folks show up?  Will the tech be on point?  Will someone in the cast act a fool?  Will I act a fool!?! lol

Seriously, this experience has been....different.  A lot more of...the more.  The baby has left the crib and the living ain't easy! Just kidding...(almost).  Reality is God has been all in this from the seed of the idea up to this point, and He's not going anywhere.  As the Bishop said last night, Faith connects us to God's integrity.  We can count on His integrity.  I know I am guilty of treating God like He's a man, that will lie or not keep his word...but He ain't that.  He's faithful, even when we aren't.  In case you haven't noticed, I'm not perfect....I know that's  a shock. :-)  There have been some mess ups, mistakes, oversights.....but SO WHAT!  We are doing this!  And we are doing it with passion and purpose.

I am always amazed at the people God puts together when we do a project.  Everyone at different stages of life with different experiences...different personalities.  The one thing that will connect us FOREVER is this experience, good bad or ugly.  I am "proud" to know each of you and to share this journey with you.  We have put in the work...we have had all kinds of challenges....deaths of loved ones, job transitions, relationship issues, accidents, house floods and many other things that were not verbalized but were felt each time we held hands in prayer or brushed past each other on stage.  That's called Family.

So as we move into our last few days together on this project (at least this part of it), let's relish every moment....because this time will never come again...not in this space with these people.  I personally thank you for giving your gifts, time and energy to this project...and for making The Falls live and breathe.  No one could do it like you. :-) 

bite of the day ~ Whether 3 or 433, we will give it our all.

thirtiesgirl 

another year....

Today, I am a year deeper into this thirtiesgirl life....and of course, being me, I'm in serious reflection.  I don't feel any different of course...but I do realize I am tipping the scale closer to the big 4-0 and further from my 20s.  I'm cool with that.  Really.  Especially since every other day I hear about some youngun' losing their life via sickness, accident...a bullet or four.  I am grateful to be 36.  I would never lie about my age, although a lot of folks tell me I dont look as old as I am.  That's relative.  I will say I still struggle with "the moments".   My mother is always telling me to mind my moments cause they make up my life....her way of saying "RELAX!!!" lol

I admit, I am anal.  Period.  And in this new year of life, I am not going to apologize for it anymore.  I am an idealist and I think things should be a certain way.  In my 36th year, I will not apologize for it.  I am high strung (due to being anal and an idealist).  I accept this fact and will not apologize for it.  I am an analyzer.  I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR IT. 

With that being said, I want to be around for as long as it takes to fulfill plan and purpose i.e. I ain't going out via no heart attack due to stress.  I relish getting OLDER but I don't want to get old, once again, due to stress.  So in this 36th year of my life, I am committed to looking more at the lighter side of life, not taking myself (or anyone else) too seriously, doing those things that bring a smile to my face (and others), surrounding myself with people who feed my life, not drain it.....and I commit to giving and RECEIVING the deepest kind of love possible from every source that comes across my path.  I am committed to NOT worry about my future and who will be in it...big people or little people.

I am a thirtiesgirl....and life is too short for the BS....and that's just keeping it real.  I feel a change coming....and at 36, I'm all for change.  Stay tuned....it's about to get interesting....:-).

bite of the day ~ Live life, one bite at a time.

thirtiesgirl

it's all UPhill from here!

The alarm went off with an irritating blare but my eyes still couldn't manage to open.  Instead, instinctively, my arm dropped over to the other side of the bed.  Yep.  Empty.  Love had been up and off to work for at least 2 hours, as usual.  But today is a different day.  Today, we have been in married (sometimes) bliss  for 7 whole years.  SEVEN YEARS!  Feels like a lifetime ago that I was a 20-something virgin bride, ready to marry my version of a Prince and live out my version of happily ever after. Didn't take long for reality to kick fantasy right out our 1 bedroom apartment window and down our suburban street to another unsuspecting couple.  Don't get me wrong...Love is a Prince, just not my pre-marriage fantasy version.  And little perfect me with my quick tongue, fragile emotions and rebellious ways have shocked him out of fantasy on more than a few occasions. :-)  The unexpected has dominated the short time we've been married and I suspect the future holds more of the same.  Ah!  The drama of life! 

So what have I learned in these past 7 years?  Marriage can bring out the deep in you.  Deep Beauty.  Deep Love.  Deep anger.  Deep ugly.  These last 7 years have taught me how desperately I need God so the good side of the deep can be my companion on the regular.  I've learned that reality can be better than fantasy when I SEE a real person and accept him for the unique Royalty he is.  When I pay enough attention, I see my real Prince, through good bad and ugly.  That trumps fantasy anyday!

  

What does Year 7 mean to me?  Completion.  The deal is sealed. But tentatively.  This is hump year.  My parents, whom I love, divorced in Year 7.  And everyone in the world talks about the 7 year itch.  Well, this is when my rebellious ways kick into high gear.  I'm on the offense.  Love harder, forgive often and leap over the camel's back.  If it's up to me, there will be no generational curses sweeping through my house.

I shared with a divorced friend at work as we rode up the elevator this morning that today was my 7 year wedding anniversary.  We both laughed as he said "uh oh.  It's all downhill from here!" A second later I was in the elevator alone with a smile lingering on my face. I thought and then I said, "No.  It's all UPhill from here!"

bite of the day ~ Change a negative into a positive. No matter what society says, it's up to you.  Pray for us.  This is the best year of our marriage thus far!

thirtiesgirl