Confessions in Black & White

"These white boys getting bold!?!" 

Said my 20-year old self to my bonus sister after a car full drove by and lustily gazed at us.  She immediately got pissed at me for making an "ignorant borderline racist statement".  I guess she was extra sensitive because, at that moment, she herself was in an interracial relationship.  Of course at the time I didn't see anything wrong with what I said.  It was how I felt. To me, it was abnormal for white guys to look at me like...well, like black guys.  I had primarily grown up in predominantly black areas and schools, that is until college.  Soon after this incident, I would have my own AHA moment when me and my white future brother-n-law went shopping for a birthday gift for my sister.  I wasn't aware of the stares...at first.  After all, it was just me and J...shopping and laughing and talking. "What are they looking at???", I thought.  I quickly realized what they were looking at and I got pissed.  "Ohhh.  So, this is how it feels."  After that, I started a journey of understanding and enlightenment...that I'm apparently still on. 

CASE IN POINT...

Yesterday it was sweltering and I was NOT feeling my "cutest".  But I still had to get out of the drab office for some therapy...sun and shopping.  A cute pair always makes life better! :-)

On my way back, I saw the resident homeless lady who likes to beg in a sing song kind of voice (LOUDLY) from across the street.  Being that I had already given the little cash I had on me away, I decided to watch her for a few moments to see if her singing actually got some results.  While I was watching her, someone was watching me.  Finally, a fair-skinned (and handsome) stranger moved closer into my eye view and looked at me.

Mr. Fairskinned&Handsome: "That's a beautiful dress..."

ME: (slight smile) "Thank you."

Mr. Fairskinned&Handsome: "Pink really looks good on you..."

ME: (half listening/half watching the singing beggar lady): "Thanks...I appreciate the compliment."

Then the light changed and he slowly strode across the street in front of me.  And yes, I checked him out. Swag. Hmmm...interesting.  I could see him debating whether to say something else to me.  But I hustled past and kept on my way.  

CONFESSION:  Years ago, if a white man looked at me "like that"...I would darn near audibly hear the word "RAPE" in my head.  Guess I watched too many slave movies.  Sigh.

CONFESSION:  Up until around the year 2000, I had not really ever met a white guy that I was attracted to..."like that".  Movie stars don't count.  Then, I met Ben...a Jewish artist with the most beautiful open brown eyes I had ever seen.  And he had MAD swag.  To my amazement, I really LIKED him..."like that".

CONFESSION: The very few fairskinned men that I have found myself attracted to had "brotha-like" qualities.  You know, kissable lips...nice walk...but most of all CONFIDENCE...enough to simply treat you like a desirable woman.  I have found that many white men treat black women very neutral on the surface, but if you pay attention, they sneaking peaks on the sly.  Especially in elevators.  Which is why I was thrown off several years ago when I first met my occasional elevator friend and he looked me DIRECTLY in my eyes "like that" and started a conversation...and actually acts like he doesn't want it to end pretty much every time I see him.  I admit, neither do I.  Hmm. Strange feeling.  

Needless to say, I'm still opening my mind to the possibilities...all of them.  Because I realize that I have certain ideas about black folks & white folks that carry a bit of weight.  But the differences we make in this society based on something as superficial as color AIN'T GOD.  And the truth is, I only see color when I don't know the person...like the fairskinned&handsome stranger with the compliments.  Otherwise it's just Jason, Jonathan, Bob..Mike.  You get the point.  Just GUYS I know.  Not white guys.  

bite of the day ~ There was a time I would have never imagined myself romantically involved with a nonblack man, but as they say...things change.  I've changed.  God knows who He has in my future.  I'm just determined not to be too blind to see through the black and white. Selah.

thirtiesgirl

And Then There was 39....

I had a dream....a vision. 

I was on the side of a mountain...with greenery, some withered some full and vibrant, all around.  The whole of nature seemed to be on pause observing....something.  I was  not walking nor climbing up this mountain.  I was being pushed...at times shoved so aggressively that rocks and pebbles were crumbling beneath my feet and dropping violently to a shattered death below.  I was leaning back with my legs straight as boards and a determined scowl on my face...resisting the shoving...upward.  I recognized those pushing me.  Mollie. Will. Olivia. Ruby. Allen. Jimmy...both of them. Poochie. Greg. Corrinne. Lester. Willie. Ray. Jerome. LW. It was hundreds of them....lined up beneath me, almost stacked on top of each other...shoving me via back and butt and legs up this mountain.  All of them....dead and gone relatives. My grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins....my loves no longer on this side of creation.  But there they were in my dream...shoving me violently while somehow moving forward themselves. I'm not sure what happened but at some point, there was a shift in my demeanor.  The resistant scowl turned to a determined focused glare toward the top of that mountain.  I stopped leaning back and began to climb....and climb and climb.  I didn't have to look back to know my loves were still there.  I felt their hands on my back, my butt, my legs....still pushing me.  

And the sky opened up..... 

bite of the day ~ Dear God, on this, my 39th year....I thank you for The Shove. Selah.

thirtiesgirl

I'm starting to relate to Michael Jackson...

Tossing.  Turning.  Dragging to the porcelain throne at 3am...on a week night.  Lying awake in the dark staring at the ceiling...praying for SLEEP.  This has been my existence for a good minute now.  And it's really starting to take a toll.  

At first it was due to my lovely neighbors screaming and fighting in the middle of the night...or blasting R. Kelly's "Down Low"....obviously to send an indirect message to the other.  I'm just waiting for one of them to play TLC's "Creep" or that old O'Jays cut "...your body's here with me, but your mind is on the OTHER SIDE OF TOWNNNN...".  Sigh.

Actually, since I put in an official complaint (...this ain't that type of neighborhood...and I pay too much to be living the "ghetto life"...do somethin'.), they've actually been pretty good.  

NOW what's the problem!?!  

With no one to blame, I have no choice but to deal with my insides....cause obviously I'm a disturbed individual right now.  I believe my issue is the issue of so many thirtiesgirls....and guys.  THE WORLD is in my head...and it doesn't slow down when I do.  I literally feel schizophrenic at times...trying to run my life which FEELS more complicated than it probably is AND run the world too.  I got so many dreams and visions and ideas and IDEALS....on top of that, I have an ultra sensitive soul.  Which is why I can't watch the news too much.  I don't just see headlines.  I see PEOPLE.  And I feel that junk in my core.  THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR ME.  And don't get me started on my family.  Their issues are my issues...unbeknownst to them.  For example, if someone is lacking something, it's a problem for me.  Why?  Subconsciously, I feel a number of things...1) guilt because I'm NOT lacking that particular thing. 2) irritation because most likely it's their own fault due to their own choices that they are lacking said thing 3) inadequacy because in my core I want to FIX EVERYTHING and make it better...easier.  I'm Superwoman...didn't you know?

And it's not that I don't know what to do.  I believe and know The Word, Father God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  I know how to pray...and I do.  What I haven't mastered is staying in my lane....and allowing God to do what He does.  I'm frantic cause I've been trying to do His job.  Running my life ain't my business.  Walking out the life HE runs is my business.  And news flash!  I am not Superwoman.  Somehow I keep forgetting this....

bite of the day ~ He never sleeps nor slumbers cause He's putting the pieces together...even if the finished puzzle is still a mystery to us.  This means WE CAN SLEEP...with no worries. Selah.

thirtiesgirl
  

42, The Jackie Robinson Film....mai review

coon.  jungle bunny. tar baby. nigger.

Sigh. 

I have to mentally prepare myself before I go to see films like The Help, Django Unchained...and now 42.  If not, the bad place it takes me to will undoubtedly have me looking cross-eyed at every white person, innocent or not, that I see.  So I prepared myself for the worst.

To me, this film was about a few basic things:

1.  The man and his courage to walk through the door that was presented to him.

2. His true strength...which was spiritual and emotional.

3. And lastly, his LEADERSHIP.

This film, once again, confirmed it for me.  Leaders have to have the courage to ultimately walk alone....just them and God, period. If you cannot, no love lost but take a seat...with the rest of the crowd and be regular.  

My fav shot was when the camera followed him, Dodgers 42 on his back, walking through the tunnel, heading to the field...alone.  Mr. Robinson had his wife, Rachel, who supported and adored him...he had the owner of the Dodgers, Branch Rickey played by Harrison Ford, who God used to present the door to him and open it from the inside out.  But ultimately, he was the one who had to go in the locker room with some resentful white players...he had to walk on that field as the only African-American (we were Negroes then) and play in an unbelievably hostile environment.  I believe the film only touched the surface of what he went through.

PROS/CONS

Simply put, Chadwick Boseman did an excellent job.  I BELIEVED he was Jackie Robinson, much like I BELIEVED Denzel was Malcolm X in Spike Lee's X.  He showed us the strength, the determination and the vulnerability of the man. And the skill.  I must say, I found myself being reminded of Derek Luke and Anthony Mackie while watching him...which is both good and bad.  Luke & Mackie are great actors so to be compared to them is not an insult.  However, no actor wants someone watching their performance and visualizing another PEER actor in that same role.  Now, if I was reminded of a younger Denzel or Sidney Poitier...no problem.

Same thing with Nicole Beharie, who play Rachel Robinson.  I kept getting glimpses of Kerry Washington...and even Regina King in her performance.  King, who played the ULTIMATE supportive ride or die wife in Jerry Maguire, has not been topped yet, in my humble opinion. Beharie did a fine job, however, I did feel at times she was holding back.  There were times that were intimate, face to face and then it seemed she would break it in a "no, my make-up!" moment and just kinda mug prettily, even if emotionally, for the camera.  Um...no.

My only major complaint would be that Jackie's character seemed to ask Branch Rickey one too many times "Why?  Why are you doing this?"  At one point, I almost felt like a "Massa..why for little ole me? In your graciousness, why?" might be thrown.  I admit, that might be my own issues and not how it was actually portrayed.  But it did seem that the writer and/or director wanted to HIGHLIGHT that it was Branch Rickey that made everything happen...that Jackie kind of deferred to him.  

Once again, it may just be my "internals". lol!  BTW - I can't say anything bad about Harrison Ford.  He always brings the goods.  Love him....since Han Solo. Crushin' seriously. :-)

bite of the day ~ I really enjoyed the film.  I was there with Jackie emotionally.  But of course, see it for yo-self and let me know what you think. :-)  

thirtiesgirl

Tyler Perry's Temptation...mai review.

I've seen all of Tyler Perry's films.  Not because I think they are the greatest because clearly, some of them could have used further development.  Regardless, I am a TP fan.  Yes, I said it... for all you "REAL" filmmakers that studied the craft in classrooms and can discuss all of the technical and methodical and blah blah-ical of the whole filmmaking process.  It amazes me that some people (BLACK PEOPLE)  hate on this man, who has done something that no other BLACK filmmaker has done in this generation...#2 highest paid in Hollywood, due to a SOLID audience, due to HIM.  His story.  His humility. His faith.  Some of those who get on Facebook & Twitter & Instagram and all the other social media sites and blast TP...if given the opportunity, would  be IN one of these so-called "sub-par" films...or better yet, the same filmmakers dogging his work would quickly take a check from him to produce their own project...without hesitation.  There's a difference in analyzing a person's work and straight hatin'.  So for those folks...um...just hush.

Now, for my honest thoughts on TEMPTATION. :-)

First of all, I did not know that it was based on his stageplay "The Marriage Counselor"....perhaps because I wasn't paying that close attention...and also because of the way it was marketed. (More drama, than dramedy)  Nevertheless, when I saw the opening credits, I knew immediately what I was in for as far as storyline...it was just a matter of how they would translate it to film. 

The Pros?

The CAST. 

Jurnee Smollett is an awesome actress...have loved her since Eve's Bayou.  She's beautiful and natural and BELIEVABLE.  She never seems like she's trying too hard to be happy or sad or sexy or naive.  She just is whatever IT is...effortlessly. I will say, she did look like she needed a hamburger...or TWO.  I'm just sayin'.

As far as the leading men, I was so happy to see some CHOCOLATE on the screen. 

Lance Gross is always delicious to look at and although I had never seen or heard of Robbie Jones...I believed him in the part as the Tempter.  He was attractive (LOVED the eyes) and he gave us glimpses of the brewing "offness" under the surface, if you were paying attention. 

Quite frankly, the supporting cast were non-issues to me.  Vanessa Williams with that hideous accent (which made it hilarious when she dropped it to cuss ole girl out near the end), Kim Kardashian was not horrible nor great...and the same thing for Brandy.  Actually, Brandy has looked much better on screen...not sure if that was on purpose due to her character or what.

Lastly, on the cast, Ella Joyce who played the mother was under served in this role.  I last saw her live in the Goodman Theatre's stageplay "Crumbs from the Table of Joy" and she is no doubt a phenomenal actor.  This role, as the Bible thumpin' overly religious and overbearing mother....did not best utilize her gifts.  It wasn't necessarily her.  It was the role.

Which leads me to the CONS.  I am so tired of seeing these played out cliche depictions of THE CHRISTIAN in these films.  They are always over the top and unattractive as a personality.  The person you DON'T want to be like.  As a Christian myself, I'm like "really!?!" It's old and played.  Can we please get an attractive, fun, down to earth, unconfused Christian in one of these doggone movies???  Sigh.  Guess that's why I'm a writer. :-)

I also don't know if I would have allowed the lead to go all the way in the gutter with ole boy with the drugs etc.  I mean, the sex was definitely believable...but the drugs?  And the obvious orgy (with the girl on girl/guy on guy action in the background) that was about to pop off when the husband came to the Tempter's house to get the wife?  It just seemed like EVERYTHING she stood for went out the window, when she started out so strong-willed.  Lastly, the aging of the husband.  Um...no.  That hair and makeup was sooo unbelievable onscreen...plus as someone pointed out, everybody aged except Brandy.  So...again, no.

Bottom line, I did enjoy the film, primarily due to the lead actors plus the obvious make-you-think message.

   

thirtiesgirl

bite of the day ~ Don't take my word for it.  Go see it for yo-self and let me know what YOU think. :-)

TO BE YOUNG, GIFTED AND.....afraid.



It's been a day of God whispers...facing internals, and reminders of who I am.

 

I AM GIFTED.

 

...and for many years, I was afraid that I was NOT.  Even now, I have to fight the not-good-enoughness that tries to creep up my spine chased by a paralyzing fear.  A familiar feeling.  It seems from the beginning, my gifting has been under attack....in an effort to derail plan and purpose.  Self-esteem crushers on my tender heels with ugly shouts and less-than yells.   But the true me won't let the crushers get me.  Won't let the gifting go.  I can't. 

 

I AM NOT NORMAL.

 

I will never be satisfied inside "the typical".  Yet, I'm in disguise on the daily.  In the Matrix of commutes and skyscrapers and numbers and corporate lunches and uninteresting elevator small talk.  But I'm awake....and aware.  I've taken the pill and am no longer afraid.

 

That's a lie. 

 

Fear remains.  But as Bishop Jakes said it has to be buried so that The Gift can be exposed.  So, I'll do it afraid.  I've been doing it...afraid.  Selah.

 

 

bite of the day ~ live....inspite of fear. you MUST.



thirtiesgirl

Let's Talk About SEX Part 3....The Unworthys

 

I have new neighbors. Baby Mama.  Baby Daddy....+ the kids.  Been together 13 years but they don't trust each other.  Well, he doesn't trust her.  I suspect because they both were in relationships already when they hooked up.  She pursued him....and the rest is history.  How do I know all this without having ever laid eyes on them?

 

The first time I was awakened BEFORE my alarm, I jolted up in bed, shocked at the rumbles from below.  A screaming toddler, the roar of a couple other kids, a gruff sounding man dropping F bombs....and the stench of smoke invading my space. In the early hours of New Year's Day, I finally realized a good part of the rumblings weren't the kids at all. Thumps. Slams. Screaming. Yelling. A whole lot of Cussin'. Perhaps a shake, push...slap or two. The moment she screamed "STOPPPPP!!!!" at the top of her lungs after hours of arguing...mainly him screaming at her, I called 911.

 

"Not on my watch, homey. Ghetto niggaz."

 

Now I don't usually use the N word...but in some cases, I simply can't think of any other description.  Don't condone it but it's truth.  Working on that. Sigh.

 

It's been a minute since I've been a bonafide "WE" and quite honestly, I don't have a legit object of my affection at the moment to even fantasize about.  Yes, on purpose.  So I'm removed from the "passions" that can rage in a relationship...good and bad.  After another weekend of fighting and another 911 call, I remembered.  It's sad how one bad decision can have years of pain residuals. 

This man who is raging was in a "cool" relationship before this, according to his rant.  But then the chase started.  The sex was hot, I'm sure.  Exciting!  Then she got pregnant.  Baby Mama. 

 

This leads me back to my comment in Part 2 about "the unworthys".  Giving yourself to an unworthy WILL lead to pain, suffering & regret in one form or another.  Of course, my personal belief is every person is unworthy of your sex if you are not married to them.  I do understand that some people do not hold this view...so I'm going to break a few things down for you to ponder.

 

LESSONS ON UNWORTHYS: RED FLAGS

 

1. CHEATERS - If someone cheats WITH you, they will cheat ON you.  You are not special.  He/She didn't change the moment they met you....their "soul mate".  And it's not rocket science.  It's character.  If you truly are their "soul mate", they will leave you alone until they are legitimately available to pursue a relationship with you.  Otherwise, they are simply a cheater looking for the next...lay.

 

2. POTENTIAL BAD PARENTS - If you meet someone who is FINE and charismatic...he got MAD swag or she's so beautiful you can't stop looking at her BUT you wouldn't leave even your gold fish in their care....THEY ARE AN UNWORTHY! Don't have sex with someone who you would not want to have a child with.  Cause news flash, you will be attached to that person in some form FOR LIFE through the child.  Irresponsible, selfish, untrustworthy, immoral people make bad parents.  They will take both you and that child through hell.  Years of "soul clean-up" will follow and ain't nothing sexy about that.

 

3.  DEPENDENTS - Ladies, if you meet a "great" guy who has a lot of "potential" BUT he currently cannot provide the basics of food, shelter and transportation for HIMSELF...oh and he's over 25 (but especially if he's over 30!)...immediately put him in "just a friend" zone and keep your legs closed.  Matter of fact, keep your hands and lips to yourself too.  BEWARE, these types of guys are usually very skilled sexually....the same way a woman uses her hot sex to get what she wants from a man (think they are called GOLD DIGGERS...duh),  this great guy with the moves will become your dependent, not your "MAN".  A MAN takes care of his woman.  Not the other way around.  

 

4. DAMAGED SOULS - You can't help what someone else did to you, especially as a child.  But you can help what you do with what happened to you....and the choices you make in your life . If a person has been damaged out of no fault of their own, they need love.  Problem is a lot of times, they don't love themselves...which leads to extremely poor life choices like ho-ing, drinking too much, drugs and other abusive behavior. The desire to comfort them through sex is normal...cause I believe God made sex as a comfort as well...in the right context.  A husband can "hide himself" within his wife and find peace and rejuvenation. If a person is a damaged soul and IS NOT DOING ANYTHING SIGNIFICANT TO HEAL i.e. counselling, therapy etc....unfortunately this damaged soul will only damage you.  In crisis moments, the sex can be off the charts....very intense because one is sexing with a purpose besides just pleasure.  Unhealthy soul-ties and emotional dependency can result.  Stagnant damaged souls will drag you down into the abyss.  Legs closed.  Pants up....and zipped.

 

bite of the day ~ Sex is a beautiful thing.  But sex with an unworthy will quickly become unpretty.  Wait for The Worthy...and you'll get to the beautiful place.  I HAVE TO believe that. For me & for you.  Selah.

thirtiesgirl