I'm starting to relate to Michael Jackson...

Tossing.  Turning.  Dragging to the porcelain throne at 3am...on a week night.  Lying awake in the dark staring at the ceiling...praying for SLEEP.  This has been my existence for a good minute now.  And it's really starting to take a toll.  

At first it was due to my lovely neighbors screaming and fighting in the middle of the night...or blasting R. Kelly's "Down Low"....obviously to send an indirect message to the other.  I'm just waiting for one of them to play TLC's "Creep" or that old O'Jays cut "...your body's here with me, but your mind is on the OTHER SIDE OF TOWNNNN...".  Sigh.

Actually, since I put in an official complaint (...this ain't that type of neighborhood...and I pay too much to be living the "ghetto life"...do somethin'.), they've actually been pretty good.  

NOW what's the problem!?!  

With no one to blame, I have no choice but to deal with my insides....cause obviously I'm a disturbed individual right now.  I believe my issue is the issue of so many thirtiesgirls....and guys.  THE WORLD is in my head...and it doesn't slow down when I do.  I literally feel schizophrenic at times...trying to run my life which FEELS more complicated than it probably is AND run the world too.  I got so many dreams and visions and ideas and IDEALS....on top of that, I have an ultra sensitive soul.  Which is why I can't watch the news too much.  I don't just see headlines.  I see PEOPLE.  And I feel that junk in my core.  THIS IS NOT GOOD FOR ME.  And don't get me started on my family.  Their issues are my issues...unbeknownst to them.  For example, if someone is lacking something, it's a problem for me.  Why?  Subconsciously, I feel a number of things...1) guilt because I'm NOT lacking that particular thing. 2) irritation because most likely it's their own fault due to their own choices that they are lacking said thing 3) inadequacy because in my core I want to FIX EVERYTHING and make it better...easier.  I'm Superwoman...didn't you know?

And it's not that I don't know what to do.  I believe and know The Word, Father God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  I know how to pray...and I do.  What I haven't mastered is staying in my lane....and allowing God to do what He does.  I'm frantic cause I've been trying to do His job.  Running my life ain't my business.  Walking out the life HE runs is my business.  And news flash!  I am not Superwoman.  Somehow I keep forgetting this....

bite of the day ~ He never sleeps nor slumbers cause He's putting the pieces together...even if the finished puzzle is still a mystery to us.  This means WE CAN SLEEP...with no worries. Selah.

thirtiesgirl
  

42, The Jackie Robinson Film....mai review

coon.  jungle bunny. tar baby. nigger.

Sigh. 

I have to mentally prepare myself before I go to see films like The Help, Django Unchained...and now 42.  If not, the bad place it takes me to will undoubtedly have me looking cross-eyed at every white person, innocent or not, that I see.  So I prepared myself for the worst.

To me, this film was about a few basic things:

1.  The man and his courage to walk through the door that was presented to him.

2. His true strength...which was spiritual and emotional.

3. And lastly, his LEADERSHIP.

This film, once again, confirmed it for me.  Leaders have to have the courage to ultimately walk alone....just them and God, period. If you cannot, no love lost but take a seat...with the rest of the crowd and be regular.  

My fav shot was when the camera followed him, Dodgers 42 on his back, walking through the tunnel, heading to the field...alone.  Mr. Robinson had his wife, Rachel, who supported and adored him...he had the owner of the Dodgers, Branch Rickey played by Harrison Ford, who God used to present the door to him and open it from the inside out.  But ultimately, he was the one who had to go in the locker room with some resentful white players...he had to walk on that field as the only African-American (we were Negroes then) and play in an unbelievably hostile environment.  I believe the film only touched the surface of what he went through.

PROS/CONS

Simply put, Chadwick Boseman did an excellent job.  I BELIEVED he was Jackie Robinson, much like I BELIEVED Denzel was Malcolm X in Spike Lee's X.  He showed us the strength, the determination and the vulnerability of the man. And the skill.  I must say, I found myself being reminded of Derek Luke and Anthony Mackie while watching him...which is both good and bad.  Luke & Mackie are great actors so to be compared to them is not an insult.  However, no actor wants someone watching their performance and visualizing another PEER actor in that same role.  Now, if I was reminded of a younger Denzel or Sidney Poitier...no problem.

Same thing with Nicole Beharie, who play Rachel Robinson.  I kept getting glimpses of Kerry Washington...and even Regina King in her performance.  King, who played the ULTIMATE supportive ride or die wife in Jerry Maguire, has not been topped yet, in my humble opinion. Beharie did a fine job, however, I did feel at times she was holding back.  There were times that were intimate, face to face and then it seemed she would break it in a "no, my make-up!" moment and just kinda mug prettily, even if emotionally, for the camera.  Um...no.

My only major complaint would be that Jackie's character seemed to ask Branch Rickey one too many times "Why?  Why are you doing this?"  At one point, I almost felt like a "Massa..why for little ole me? In your graciousness, why?" might be thrown.  I admit, that might be my own issues and not how it was actually portrayed.  But it did seem that the writer and/or director wanted to HIGHLIGHT that it was Branch Rickey that made everything happen...that Jackie kind of deferred to him.  

Once again, it may just be my "internals". lol!  BTW - I can't say anything bad about Harrison Ford.  He always brings the goods.  Love him....since Han Solo. Crushin' seriously. :-)

bite of the day ~ I really enjoyed the film.  I was there with Jackie emotionally.  But of course, see it for yo-self and let me know what you think. :-)  

thirtiesgirl

Tyler Perry's Temptation...mai review.

I've seen all of Tyler Perry's films.  Not because I think they are the greatest because clearly, some of them could have used further development.  Regardless, I am a TP fan.  Yes, I said it... for all you "REAL" filmmakers that studied the craft in classrooms and can discuss all of the technical and methodical and blah blah-ical of the whole filmmaking process.  It amazes me that some people (BLACK PEOPLE)  hate on this man, who has done something that no other BLACK filmmaker has done in this generation...#2 highest paid in Hollywood, due to a SOLID audience, due to HIM.  His story.  His humility. His faith.  Some of those who get on Facebook & Twitter & Instagram and all the other social media sites and blast TP...if given the opportunity, would  be IN one of these so-called "sub-par" films...or better yet, the same filmmakers dogging his work would quickly take a check from him to produce their own project...without hesitation.  There's a difference in analyzing a person's work and straight hatin'.  So for those folks...um...just hush.

Now, for my honest thoughts on TEMPTATION. :-)

First of all, I did not know that it was based on his stageplay "The Marriage Counselor"....perhaps because I wasn't paying that close attention...and also because of the way it was marketed. (More drama, than dramedy)  Nevertheless, when I saw the opening credits, I knew immediately what I was in for as far as storyline...it was just a matter of how they would translate it to film. 

The Pros?

The CAST. 

Jurnee Smollett is an awesome actress...have loved her since Eve's Bayou.  She's beautiful and natural and BELIEVABLE.  She never seems like she's trying too hard to be happy or sad or sexy or naive.  She just is whatever IT is...effortlessly. I will say, she did look like she needed a hamburger...or TWO.  I'm just sayin'.

As far as the leading men, I was so happy to see some CHOCOLATE on the screen. 

Lance Gross is always delicious to look at and although I had never seen or heard of Robbie Jones...I believed him in the part as the Tempter.  He was attractive (LOVED the eyes) and he gave us glimpses of the brewing "offness" under the surface, if you were paying attention. 

Quite frankly, the supporting cast were non-issues to me.  Vanessa Williams with that hideous accent (which made it hilarious when she dropped it to cuss ole girl out near the end), Kim Kardashian was not horrible nor great...and the same thing for Brandy.  Actually, Brandy has looked much better on screen...not sure if that was on purpose due to her character or what.

Lastly, on the cast, Ella Joyce who played the mother was under served in this role.  I last saw her live in the Goodman Theatre's stageplay "Crumbs from the Table of Joy" and she is no doubt a phenomenal actor.  This role, as the Bible thumpin' overly religious and overbearing mother....did not best utilize her gifts.  It wasn't necessarily her.  It was the role.

Which leads me to the CONS.  I am so tired of seeing these played out cliche depictions of THE CHRISTIAN in these films.  They are always over the top and unattractive as a personality.  The person you DON'T want to be like.  As a Christian myself, I'm like "really!?!" It's old and played.  Can we please get an attractive, fun, down to earth, unconfused Christian in one of these doggone movies???  Sigh.  Guess that's why I'm a writer. :-)

I also don't know if I would have allowed the lead to go all the way in the gutter with ole boy with the drugs etc.  I mean, the sex was definitely believable...but the drugs?  And the obvious orgy (with the girl on girl/guy on guy action in the background) that was about to pop off when the husband came to the Tempter's house to get the wife?  It just seemed like EVERYTHING she stood for went out the window, when she started out so strong-willed.  Lastly, the aging of the husband.  Um...no.  That hair and makeup was sooo unbelievable onscreen...plus as someone pointed out, everybody aged except Brandy.  So...again, no.

Bottom line, I did enjoy the film, primarily due to the lead actors plus the obvious make-you-think message.

   

thirtiesgirl

bite of the day ~ Don't take my word for it.  Go see it for yo-self and let me know what YOU think. :-)

TO BE YOUNG, GIFTED AND.....afraid.



It's been a day of God whispers...facing internals, and reminders of who I am.

 

I AM GIFTED.

 

...and for many years, I was afraid that I was NOT.  Even now, I have to fight the not-good-enoughness that tries to creep up my spine chased by a paralyzing fear.  A familiar feeling.  It seems from the beginning, my gifting has been under attack....in an effort to derail plan and purpose.  Self-esteem crushers on my tender heels with ugly shouts and less-than yells.   But the true me won't let the crushers get me.  Won't let the gifting go.  I can't. 

 

I AM NOT NORMAL.

 

I will never be satisfied inside "the typical".  Yet, I'm in disguise on the daily.  In the Matrix of commutes and skyscrapers and numbers and corporate lunches and uninteresting elevator small talk.  But I'm awake....and aware.  I've taken the pill and am no longer afraid.

 

That's a lie. 

 

Fear remains.  But as Bishop Jakes said it has to be buried so that The Gift can be exposed.  So, I'll do it afraid.  I've been doing it...afraid.  Selah.

 

 

bite of the day ~ live....inspite of fear. you MUST.



thirtiesgirl

Let's Talk About SEX Part 3....The Unworthys

 

I have new neighbors. Baby Mama.  Baby Daddy....+ the kids.  Been together 13 years but they don't trust each other.  Well, he doesn't trust her.  I suspect because they both were in relationships already when they hooked up.  She pursued him....and the rest is history.  How do I know all this without having ever laid eyes on them?

 

The first time I was awakened BEFORE my alarm, I jolted up in bed, shocked at the rumbles from below.  A screaming toddler, the roar of a couple other kids, a gruff sounding man dropping F bombs....and the stench of smoke invading my space. In the early hours of New Year's Day, I finally realized a good part of the rumblings weren't the kids at all. Thumps. Slams. Screaming. Yelling. A whole lot of Cussin'. Perhaps a shake, push...slap or two. The moment she screamed "STOPPPPP!!!!" at the top of her lungs after hours of arguing...mainly him screaming at her, I called 911.

 

"Not on my watch, homey. Ghetto niggaz."

 

Now I don't usually use the N word...but in some cases, I simply can't think of any other description.  Don't condone it but it's truth.  Working on that. Sigh.

 

It's been a minute since I've been a bonafide "WE" and quite honestly, I don't have a legit object of my affection at the moment to even fantasize about.  Yes, on purpose.  So I'm removed from the "passions" that can rage in a relationship...good and bad.  After another weekend of fighting and another 911 call, I remembered.  It's sad how one bad decision can have years of pain residuals. 

This man who is raging was in a "cool" relationship before this, according to his rant.  But then the chase started.  The sex was hot, I'm sure.  Exciting!  Then she got pregnant.  Baby Mama. 

 

This leads me back to my comment in Part 2 about "the unworthys".  Giving yourself to an unworthy WILL lead to pain, suffering & regret in one form or another.  Of course, my personal belief is every person is unworthy of your sex if you are not married to them.  I do understand that some people do not hold this view...so I'm going to break a few things down for you to ponder.

 

LESSONS ON UNWORTHYS: RED FLAGS

 

1. CHEATERS - If someone cheats WITH you, they will cheat ON you.  You are not special.  He/She didn't change the moment they met you....their "soul mate".  And it's not rocket science.  It's character.  If you truly are their "soul mate", they will leave you alone until they are legitimately available to pursue a relationship with you.  Otherwise, they are simply a cheater looking for the next...lay.

 

2. POTENTIAL BAD PARENTS - If you meet someone who is FINE and charismatic...he got MAD swag or she's so beautiful you can't stop looking at her BUT you wouldn't leave even your gold fish in their care....THEY ARE AN UNWORTHY! Don't have sex with someone who you would not want to have a child with.  Cause news flash, you will be attached to that person in some form FOR LIFE through the child.  Irresponsible, selfish, untrustworthy, immoral people make bad parents.  They will take both you and that child through hell.  Years of "soul clean-up" will follow and ain't nothing sexy about that.

 

3.  DEPENDENTS - Ladies, if you meet a "great" guy who has a lot of "potential" BUT he currently cannot provide the basics of food, shelter and transportation for HIMSELF...oh and he's over 25 (but especially if he's over 30!)...immediately put him in "just a friend" zone and keep your legs closed.  Matter of fact, keep your hands and lips to yourself too.  BEWARE, these types of guys are usually very skilled sexually....the same way a woman uses her hot sex to get what she wants from a man (think they are called GOLD DIGGERS...duh),  this great guy with the moves will become your dependent, not your "MAN".  A MAN takes care of his woman.  Not the other way around.  

 

4. DAMAGED SOULS - You can't help what someone else did to you, especially as a child.  But you can help what you do with what happened to you....and the choices you make in your life . If a person has been damaged out of no fault of their own, they need love.  Problem is a lot of times, they don't love themselves...which leads to extremely poor life choices like ho-ing, drinking too much, drugs and other abusive behavior. The desire to comfort them through sex is normal...cause I believe God made sex as a comfort as well...in the right context.  A husband can "hide himself" within his wife and find peace and rejuvenation. If a person is a damaged soul and IS NOT DOING ANYTHING SIGNIFICANT TO HEAL i.e. counselling, therapy etc....unfortunately this damaged soul will only damage you.  In crisis moments, the sex can be off the charts....very intense because one is sexing with a purpose besides just pleasure.  Unhealthy soul-ties and emotional dependency can result.  Stagnant damaged souls will drag you down into the abyss.  Legs closed.  Pants up....and zipped.

 

bite of the day ~ Sex is a beautiful thing.  But sex with an unworthy will quickly become unpretty.  Wait for The Worthy...and you'll get to the beautiful place.  I HAVE TO believe that. For me & for you.  Selah.

thirtiesgirl

POWER PULL

 

 

 

 

I drove in this morning to work instead of taking the train.   Company Christmas Party at Trump Towers this evening.  Not that I care much for these affairs.  Yes, I like to eat, drink and be merry. But I don't enjoy the pretense and awkwardness of standing around making small talk. I'm too real. I will usually slip up and say something....well, real. With the goal of making a genuine connection, I guess.  I almost skipped it altogether. Nay.  Can't come off as the snooty anti-social black girl. I'm darn near Barack at my company i.e. almost the only one of my kind.  Almost. They're good people.  So, I try....sometimes.   

 

I'm comfortable in silence, especially in the morning.   I've always been that way.  But over the years, I've made adjustments for other's sakes in lieu of being deemed moody.  Today, God beckoned a morning conversation.  Probably because He knows the thoughts and feelings that have been swirling around inside me.  Enough to choke hope and dreams a like.  The abyss has been looming nearby, waiting for me to slip in.  He wanted me to SAY SOMETHING.  So between greens and yellows and reds, slowly I began to verbalize aloud goodness, mercy, favor and blessing over, not just myself, but my loved ones.  I didn't "feel" any different afterwards honestly.  But faith is not feelings, right?

 

Yesterday, I declared to my co-workers that I would stay at the party until after the raffle because I planned to win the free airline tickets.  Mind you, in almost 14 years, I've NEVER won any raffle at my job.  But I said, "It's My Time." I actually wasn't putting much thought into it....part of the "small talk" of the day. But it became a minor point of discussion with others actually saying they hope I win.

 

Guess what?  I did win.  The Spanish wine and cheese basket.  The prize right after the airline tickets.  A year when we had the most attendees ever, all of which were entered into the raffle...I was one of the 5 "random" winners.  In that moment, God continued this morning's conversation.  "Wonder what your faith could pull to you if you really focused it?" Jesus, the universe and all in it was giving me a small glimpse of my power....glimpses revealed before, but I seem to forget when the steel boot of this life is kicking me in the hind parts.

 

An old friend once told me that God showed him that I was a queen...and not like "my black African queen princess sista!".  Like a ruler.  A queen.  He said that's why I act the way that I do.  He didn't mean it as a compliment, mind you.  I didn't understand.  Wanted to know what God showed him...what did he mean I was a queen in the "other world...the spirit"???  How do I act?  He wouldn't elaborate.  I didn't ask again...but I hid it in my heart.

 

Dear God of the Universe: What have you made me?  What is my power pull? Cause all I know is I'M NORMAL...IN DISGUISE. Selah.

bite of the day ~  What are you pulling to YOU?



thirtiesgirl

Jesse Jackson Jr Ho-Dogging???

College.  A Black Student Leadership Conference.  That was the first time I laid eyes on Jesse Jackson Jr.  He was the keynote speaker...and yep, he was FINE! :-)  Fast forward to 2012...and I cringe that I ever thought he was the slightest bit attractive.  Hos are not fine nor attractive to me these days.  And yes, it is personal.  Just as personal as it is for the group of female Chicago aldermen that blasted Jesse Jr in the media today after the story broke that he's in plea deals with the feds about misuse of campaign funds, including buying his side chick a $40,000 Rolex. Really???

I do not know him personally, nor his wife, Alderman Sandy Jackson....but it's the same ole story.  The junk is trifling and ridiculous.  Hurtful.  Any extramarital affair is devastating to the wronged spouse....but to add insult to injury, he is sniffing behind a woman who is COMPLETELY opposite of his wife.  Blond and white.  What are you tryin' to say Jesse??? Typical.  Sigh.  And no, it wouldn't have made it better if she were brown-skinned and black-eyed.

Obviously he didn't care enough to even try to hide his indiscretions since he was flying this woman to Chicago to meet him and she was referred to as his "social companion".  So the junk was well-known in their circle.  Sandy eventually found out too...and stayed to work it out.  

Now I know there are those who will say "Well, you don't know what was going on in his marriage.  He was obviously unhappy.  His wife wasn't meeting his needs." Blah blah blah. Bull. B.S. Bullshhhhh! I have had a man tell me how his wife wasn't this and that....how she doesn't do this and that....which was the reason he was doing this and that.  The whole "the devil made me do it" excuse is so lame.  

Listen up all Ho-Dogs (yes, that's my word!).  Stop with the blaming and excuses.  Grow some "balls".  Talk to God.  Talk to your spouse.  Pray with your spouse.  Pray to God.  Get some counselling.  Put some real selfless work in.  It is YOUR responsibility to KEEP the VOWS YOU made!  If all else fails, do the honorable thing and LEAVE!  Don't leave your children.  Don't leave your responsibilities.  Leave the marriage....even if temporarily.  But to sneak around...or worse yet, blatantly cheat on your wife/husband because you are displeased and unsatisfied with the situation??? And don't even get me started on the super selfish crass infuriating  DOWN-LOW MESS.  FIRE!!!

The real is most Ho-Dogs may want to leave, but they don't because they want the double-cheese burger, super-sized fries AND the six-pack abs at the same time.  The comfort of a home, go-to life partner, someone to share the load whether financially, emotionally or otherwise.  It's easier to stay...and stray.  But life doesn't work that way.  Eventually that double-cheese will start popping through them ripped abs.  And everyone will see the evidence of all of those behind closed door binges.  

Sigh again.

bite of the day ~ I had no plans to write about this but I needed to...express.  Prayers up for the Jacksons.  Especially Sandy...but ditto to Alderman Austin. "He would NEED to stay in Mayo Clinic if he was my husband."  Click the link below for the whole article .

http://www.suntimes.com/16251226-761/female-chicago-aldermen-unite-behind-sandi-jackson-one-of-their-own.html


thirtiesgirl