TO BE YOUNG, GIFTED AND.....afraid.



It's been a day of God whispers...facing internals, and reminders of who I am.

 

I AM GIFTED.

 

...and for many years, I was afraid that I was NOT.  Even now, I have to fight the not-good-enoughness that tries to creep up my spine chased by a paralyzing fear.  A familiar feeling.  It seems from the beginning, my gifting has been under attack....in an effort to derail plan and purpose.  Self-esteem crushers on my tender heels with ugly shouts and less-than yells.   But the true me won't let the crushers get me.  Won't let the gifting go.  I can't. 

 

I AM NOT NORMAL.

 

I will never be satisfied inside "the typical".  Yet, I'm in disguise on the daily.  In the Matrix of commutes and skyscrapers and numbers and corporate lunches and uninteresting elevator small talk.  But I'm awake....and aware.  I've taken the pill and am no longer afraid.

 

That's a lie. 

 

Fear remains.  But as Bishop Jakes said it has to be buried so that The Gift can be exposed.  So, I'll do it afraid.  I've been doing it...afraid.  Selah.

 

 

bite of the day ~ live....inspite of fear. you MUST.



thirtiesgirl

Let's Talk About SEX Part 3....The Unworthys

 

I have new neighbors. Baby Mama.  Baby Daddy....+ the kids.  Been together 13 years but they don't trust each other.  Well, he doesn't trust her.  I suspect because they both were in relationships already when they hooked up.  She pursued him....and the rest is history.  How do I know all this without having ever laid eyes on them?

 

The first time I was awakened BEFORE my alarm, I jolted up in bed, shocked at the rumbles from below.  A screaming toddler, the roar of a couple other kids, a gruff sounding man dropping F bombs....and the stench of smoke invading my space. In the early hours of New Year's Day, I finally realized a good part of the rumblings weren't the kids at all. Thumps. Slams. Screaming. Yelling. A whole lot of Cussin'. Perhaps a shake, push...slap or two. The moment she screamed "STOPPPPP!!!!" at the top of her lungs after hours of arguing...mainly him screaming at her, I called 911.

 

"Not on my watch, homey. Ghetto niggaz."

 

Now I don't usually use the N word...but in some cases, I simply can't think of any other description.  Don't condone it but it's truth.  Working on that. Sigh.

 

It's been a minute since I've been a bonafide "WE" and quite honestly, I don't have a legit object of my affection at the moment to even fantasize about.  Yes, on purpose.  So I'm removed from the "passions" that can rage in a relationship...good and bad.  After another weekend of fighting and another 911 call, I remembered.  It's sad how one bad decision can have years of pain residuals. 

This man who is raging was in a "cool" relationship before this, according to his rant.  But then the chase started.  The sex was hot, I'm sure.  Exciting!  Then she got pregnant.  Baby Mama. 

 

This leads me back to my comment in Part 2 about "the unworthys".  Giving yourself to an unworthy WILL lead to pain, suffering & regret in one form or another.  Of course, my personal belief is every person is unworthy of your sex if you are not married to them.  I do understand that some people do not hold this view...so I'm going to break a few things down for you to ponder.

 

LESSONS ON UNWORTHYS: RED FLAGS

 

1. CHEATERS - If someone cheats WITH you, they will cheat ON you.  You are not special.  He/She didn't change the moment they met you....their "soul mate".  And it's not rocket science.  It's character.  If you truly are their "soul mate", they will leave you alone until they are legitimately available to pursue a relationship with you.  Otherwise, they are simply a cheater looking for the next...lay.

 

2. POTENTIAL BAD PARENTS - If you meet someone who is FINE and charismatic...he got MAD swag or she's so beautiful you can't stop looking at her BUT you wouldn't leave even your gold fish in their care....THEY ARE AN UNWORTHY! Don't have sex with someone who you would not want to have a child with.  Cause news flash, you will be attached to that person in some form FOR LIFE through the child.  Irresponsible, selfish, untrustworthy, immoral people make bad parents.  They will take both you and that child through hell.  Years of "soul clean-up" will follow and ain't nothing sexy about that.

 

3.  DEPENDENTS - Ladies, if you meet a "great" guy who has a lot of "potential" BUT he currently cannot provide the basics of food, shelter and transportation for HIMSELF...oh and he's over 25 (but especially if he's over 30!)...immediately put him in "just a friend" zone and keep your legs closed.  Matter of fact, keep your hands and lips to yourself too.  BEWARE, these types of guys are usually very skilled sexually....the same way a woman uses her hot sex to get what she wants from a man (think they are called GOLD DIGGERS...duh),  this great guy with the moves will become your dependent, not your "MAN".  A MAN takes care of his woman.  Not the other way around.  

 

4. DAMAGED SOULS - You can't help what someone else did to you, especially as a child.  But you can help what you do with what happened to you....and the choices you make in your life . If a person has been damaged out of no fault of their own, they need love.  Problem is a lot of times, they don't love themselves...which leads to extremely poor life choices like ho-ing, drinking too much, drugs and other abusive behavior. The desire to comfort them through sex is normal...cause I believe God made sex as a comfort as well...in the right context.  A husband can "hide himself" within his wife and find peace and rejuvenation. If a person is a damaged soul and IS NOT DOING ANYTHING SIGNIFICANT TO HEAL i.e. counselling, therapy etc....unfortunately this damaged soul will only damage you.  In crisis moments, the sex can be off the charts....very intense because one is sexing with a purpose besides just pleasure.  Unhealthy soul-ties and emotional dependency can result.  Stagnant damaged souls will drag you down into the abyss.  Legs closed.  Pants up....and zipped.

 

bite of the day ~ Sex is a beautiful thing.  But sex with an unworthy will quickly become unpretty.  Wait for The Worthy...and you'll get to the beautiful place.  I HAVE TO believe that. For me & for you.  Selah.

thirtiesgirl

POWER PULL

 

 

 

 

I drove in this morning to work instead of taking the train.   Company Christmas Party at Trump Towers this evening.  Not that I care much for these affairs.  Yes, I like to eat, drink and be merry. But I don't enjoy the pretense and awkwardness of standing around making small talk. I'm too real. I will usually slip up and say something....well, real. With the goal of making a genuine connection, I guess.  I almost skipped it altogether. Nay.  Can't come off as the snooty anti-social black girl. I'm darn near Barack at my company i.e. almost the only one of my kind.  Almost. They're good people.  So, I try....sometimes.   

 

I'm comfortable in silence, especially in the morning.   I've always been that way.  But over the years, I've made adjustments for other's sakes in lieu of being deemed moody.  Today, God beckoned a morning conversation.  Probably because He knows the thoughts and feelings that have been swirling around inside me.  Enough to choke hope and dreams a like.  The abyss has been looming nearby, waiting for me to slip in.  He wanted me to SAY SOMETHING.  So between greens and yellows and reds, slowly I began to verbalize aloud goodness, mercy, favor and blessing over, not just myself, but my loved ones.  I didn't "feel" any different afterwards honestly.  But faith is not feelings, right?

 

Yesterday, I declared to my co-workers that I would stay at the party until after the raffle because I planned to win the free airline tickets.  Mind you, in almost 14 years, I've NEVER won any raffle at my job.  But I said, "It's My Time." I actually wasn't putting much thought into it....part of the "small talk" of the day. But it became a minor point of discussion with others actually saying they hope I win.

 

Guess what?  I did win.  The Spanish wine and cheese basket.  The prize right after the airline tickets.  A year when we had the most attendees ever, all of which were entered into the raffle...I was one of the 5 "random" winners.  In that moment, God continued this morning's conversation.  "Wonder what your faith could pull to you if you really focused it?" Jesus, the universe and all in it was giving me a small glimpse of my power....glimpses revealed before, but I seem to forget when the steel boot of this life is kicking me in the hind parts.

 

An old friend once told me that God showed him that I was a queen...and not like "my black African queen princess sista!".  Like a ruler.  A queen.  He said that's why I act the way that I do.  He didn't mean it as a compliment, mind you.  I didn't understand.  Wanted to know what God showed him...what did he mean I was a queen in the "other world...the spirit"???  How do I act?  He wouldn't elaborate.  I didn't ask again...but I hid it in my heart.

 

Dear God of the Universe: What have you made me?  What is my power pull? Cause all I know is I'M NORMAL...IN DISGUISE. Selah.

bite of the day ~  What are you pulling to YOU?



thirtiesgirl

Jesse Jackson Jr Ho-Dogging???

College.  A Black Student Leadership Conference.  That was the first time I laid eyes on Jesse Jackson Jr.  He was the keynote speaker...and yep, he was FINE! :-)  Fast forward to 2012...and I cringe that I ever thought he was the slightest bit attractive.  Hos are not fine nor attractive to me these days.  And yes, it is personal.  Just as personal as it is for the group of female Chicago aldermen that blasted Jesse Jr in the media today after the story broke that he's in plea deals with the feds about misuse of campaign funds, including buying his side chick a $40,000 Rolex. Really???

I do not know him personally, nor his wife, Alderman Sandy Jackson....but it's the same ole story.  The junk is trifling and ridiculous.  Hurtful.  Any extramarital affair is devastating to the wronged spouse....but to add insult to injury, he is sniffing behind a woman who is COMPLETELY opposite of his wife.  Blond and white.  What are you tryin' to say Jesse??? Typical.  Sigh.  And no, it wouldn't have made it better if she were brown-skinned and black-eyed.

Obviously he didn't care enough to even try to hide his indiscretions since he was flying this woman to Chicago to meet him and she was referred to as his "social companion".  So the junk was well-known in their circle.  Sandy eventually found out too...and stayed to work it out.  

Now I know there are those who will say "Well, you don't know what was going on in his marriage.  He was obviously unhappy.  His wife wasn't meeting his needs." Blah blah blah. Bull. B.S. Bullshhhhh! I have had a man tell me how his wife wasn't this and that....how she doesn't do this and that....which was the reason he was doing this and that.  The whole "the devil made me do it" excuse is so lame.  

Listen up all Ho-Dogs (yes, that's my word!).  Stop with the blaming and excuses.  Grow some "balls".  Talk to God.  Talk to your spouse.  Pray with your spouse.  Pray to God.  Get some counselling.  Put some real selfless work in.  It is YOUR responsibility to KEEP the VOWS YOU made!  If all else fails, do the honorable thing and LEAVE!  Don't leave your children.  Don't leave your responsibilities.  Leave the marriage....even if temporarily.  But to sneak around...or worse yet, blatantly cheat on your wife/husband because you are displeased and unsatisfied with the situation??? And don't even get me started on the super selfish crass infuriating  DOWN-LOW MESS.  FIRE!!!

The real is most Ho-Dogs may want to leave, but they don't because they want the double-cheese burger, super-sized fries AND the six-pack abs at the same time.  The comfort of a home, go-to life partner, someone to share the load whether financially, emotionally or otherwise.  It's easier to stay...and stray.  But life doesn't work that way.  Eventually that double-cheese will start popping through them ripped abs.  And everyone will see the evidence of all of those behind closed door binges.  

Sigh again.

bite of the day ~ I had no plans to write about this but I needed to...express.  Prayers up for the Jacksons.  Especially Sandy...but ditto to Alderman Austin. "He would NEED to stay in Mayo Clinic if he was my husband."  Click the link below for the whole article .

http://www.suntimes.com/16251226-761/female-chicago-aldermen-unite-behind-sandi-jackson-one-of-their-own.html


thirtiesgirl

Let's Talk About SEX Part 2

As I splashed through puddles of rain and fallen leaves, feeling the wet seep through my Skechers, I heard what sounded like a low scream from across the street.  Instantly, I looked in the direction of the junior high school I pass practically everyday on my way home.  There were three or four slightly saggin' boys with nice fades surrounding a couple of (obviously) fast girls who were all giggles and grins.  The "scream" had come from the one whose legs were wrapped around the waist of a chocolate saggin'-nice-fade....as he pressed her against the exposed brick of the school....and humped.  I'm assuming in an effort to show her what he's working with.  Sigh.  

 

I see not much has changed since I was in junior high school.  Horny Pricks.  Silly chicks.   Our young freaks would actually double team a boy against a locker between classes, and take turns giggling, groping and squeezing his balls as he squirmed in....pain???  Maybe not.  It looked painful to me.  Of course, I was still years away from "personal experience" at that point....and was actually quite disgusted with the crass display.  What did I know?  Um...nothing.

Except Sex. It was and IS everywhere.  Correction.  The illusion of it is everywhere.  Teasing and taunting....wooing.  But what seems fun and sweet and oh! feels so RIGHT!...can quickly turn to bitter and painful and oh!  just so....WRONG!  Soul ties, broken hearts, oops! pregnancies (younguns AND old-heads who should know better....ijs), and let's not forget STDs (sexually transmitted diseases for those who like to play dumb...). 

Which brings me back to my comment in Part 1...why I can't succumb to my raging hormones and just "give me away".  There are many reasons...but I will wrap them in one simple statement.

 I AM PRECIOUS.

 pre·cious (prshs) KEY

Of high cost or worth; valuable.
Highly esteemed; cherished.
Dear; beloved.
 

The Lord planted this knowing in my deep parts at a very early age.  Damaging words, damaged people and a damaged world has been trying to uproot The Preciousness ever since.  But no matter how many punches, kicks, hair pulls, or soul rips I take, the roots are too deep...so deep that if I attempted to open my legs to an "unworthy", my preciousness would cause them to shake and quack and violently snap shut.  I  AM precious.  Selah.

bite of the day ~ For both ladies&gents, BE PRECIOUS.  RE-program yourself and understand who you are.  You can wait...and you are WORTH waiting for.  Stay tuned for Part 3 to find out my definition of an "unworthy". :-)

thirtiesgirl

Politics and the Presidential Election 2012

The truth?  I hate politics.  I hate the whole political season.  I hate those cheesey "I approve this message" commercials.  An oxymoron, yes,  because I come from a very aggressively politically active family...whose activism grew out of an organic concern for the community.  I myself minored in political science and was the VP of my university's chapter of the NAACP...and in student government. And yes,  I've walked a picket line or two.  But POLITICS...I hate.  Let there be no mistake about it.  This presidential election, like all the others before it, is POLITICS AS USUAL...a popularity contest....with higher stakes.  No different than running for homecoming king or queen in high school.  I hated those contests too.

 

With that being said, this is about the time I force myself to get tuned in. Yes, I watched the debate. We are speeding toward election day...thank God the manipulation is almost over!   And I'm a good tax paying citizen so I will have my say.  It's a point of personal integrity to vote...in at least the major elections.  

 

I remember as a teenager, watching the documentary "Eyes on the Prize" about the civil rights movement...angry tears streamed down my face as I witnessed how black folks (and some righteous white folks) suffered and died so that WE could have the right to vote.  How dare I NOT!?! How dare YOU!?! But don't anyone make the mistake of trying to influence WHO I should vote for.  To me, my vote is sacred...and personal.  IT'S MY DECISION.  It's just like a marriage....I'm committing to the candidate of MY CHOICE.  Only difference is I know for sure it won't last forever....  

 

bite of the day ~ Voting is a responsibility.  Register.  Get the facts.  Make YOUR own decision.  And keep it to yourself.  Let others use their own brains and choose without your influence. 

thirtiesgirl

Let's Talk About Sex! Part 1

I remember the first time my "lady parts" were ever touched by a man....well, a boy, actually.  Sophomore in high school.  Virgin...of the 5-year-old variety.  Crowded hallway between classes. Star athlete walking my way. And BAM!  Or more like 2 finger SWIPE right down the middle of my gina-girl.  SHOCK. EMBARRASSMENT.  Disgust.  Little more shock.  curiosity.  hmmm.

Now I had confessed my undying love, loyalty and obedience to Jesus at about 7 years old.  This included, as was burned into my soul at church, sexual purity or holding on to your "goodies" until marriage.  So I committed myself to doing just that.  In my effort to hold on to said goodies, I delved rather deeply into a fantasy world where I could literally do anything I wanted...without restriction.  At the time, I had no idea about the power of thoughts....you know, the whole concept of "Free Your Mind and Yo A** Will Follow".  You will go in the direction of your most dominant thought.  As a man thinketh, so is he...etc etc etc.

Well, my mind was on SEX....which made my whole quest to retain my virginity that much more challenging.  By the time I got to college and fell in love for the first time, curiosity was ready to kill "the cat".  But my faith and my vow to God was much stronger (praise da lawd!) and by the time I walked down the aisle at the tender age of 28, I was still a virgin....not quite of the 5-year-old-variety anymore, mind you.  I barely made it.  BUT I made it. Whew.  Needless to say, expectations for married life were in the stratosphere!  Sweet FREEDOM! YAY. sigh.

Fast forward to my present state of single again, no longer a virgin of any variety...and in the healing state from heartbreak.  It would be so darn  easy to just go "get some".  I have been tempted....many times in the past two years.    Yes...it's been TWO YEARS...and I have my raging hormones moments quite often.  Trust. But  I realize I am, yet again, at a crossroads.  I can dust off my hands and say "I'm done!  I played the goody role all my life.  I waited for marriage and the s**t didn't work.  I still ended up divorced just like everybody else that's divorced.  I'm done GOD! If I want to HAVE a man...I'm gonna have him."

Only problem is....while I'm having him, he's having ME.  Sigh.

bite of the day ~ Problem with giving ME away....Sex Talk Part 2. :-)

thirtiesgirl