Why I didn't watch the last season of SCANDAL...

My interaction on other people's pages on Facebook is usually hitting the like or share buttons.  Don't comment as much as I just observe.  But when I came across a status that read "One word...One Word You Would Want People To Use To Describe You..."..for some reason I felt compelled to comment.  The first word to pop in my head was "ABNORMAL." There were many other words that followed...but it's something about that organic unedited FIRST response...before the pondering and over analyzing.

Back in the day, all I wanted was to feel "normal"...fit in.  As early as I can remember, I was The Girl Who...Wasn't.  I just wasn't. I was either behind or in front of the curve...but never spot on it.  It didn't matter whether I was at school, church or with family....there were very few people that I could genuinely relate to...or who I didn't feel abnormal around or even judged by. For a good part of my adolescence, like so many others, I seriously struggled with self-image and self-esteem issues.  Trying to find my place, in high school, I decided (after some persuading by my best friend) to try out for the cheerleading squad.  I was already in the marching band, but that was different.  I had looked up to the uber-popular cheerleaders with their short pleated skirts and Nikes with bells attached from a distance, secretly wondering how it felt to be them, at the same time never seeing myself among them.  And for good reason.  I was barely past my tomboy phase.  I didn't pay attention to them at the games, didn't know any cheers, flips or jumps....I actually had to learn how to do the split just to try out!

When one of my football player friends found out what I was up to, he said to me, in front of everyone, "Don't do that.  You not like them girls...".  Well, my version of low self-esteem didn't EVER manifest in a quiet, meek, head hanging low type of way.  I have always been...fiery.  I was indignant and pissed because what I heard was "You NOT AS GOOD AS those girls.  YOU wouldn't fit in with them." Quickly, he clarified. "You're a good girl....them girls are fast."  I didn't know anything about all that....but I knew I wasn't listening to him. I WANTED to be apart of that group of girls, "fast" or not...if they would have me. Amazingly, I made it.  But nothing changed on the inside. I still wasn't like....anyone.  I couldn't relate to anyone.  Nothing against them.  Most of them were good people and we got along....but I STILL didn't fit in. 

The quest for normalcy continued in college.  This time I was after those coveted letters of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority Incorporated, the official right to rock the crimson & cream on the yard and to be recognized EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD as a Distinguished Delta.  Then MAYBE, just maybe I'd feel NORMAL.  When I finally did pledge, you guessed it.  Still apart of the group but not OF the group....kinda like IN the world but not OF the world.  Still didn't FIT.  

By this time, I had finally started dealing with my internal issues and made my peace with who God has made me...and why.  I'm NEVER going to fit in...I will NEVER feel normal inside, cause guess what?  I AM NOT NORMAL. I may look it...but it's merely a disguise. :-)  After I accepted this fact, I stopped trying to be and actually have become quite adverse to the idea of normalcy.  Normal equals what everyone else i.e. The Crowd is doing and being.  Which brings me to SCANDAL.

I actually love the show.  It's extremely well written, well acted, exciting and all that jazz.  I watched (albeit online after the fact) the first & second seasons.  And I had every intention to watch last season.  But when I would have the time, oddly, I didn't have the DESIRE.  I began to ponder WHY DON'T I WANT TO WATCH SCANDAL??? Finally,  I had an AHA moment.  EVERYBODY seems to watch Scandal.  If you are not able to be in front of your TV on Thursday nights, DON'T log on to ANY social media cause folks will ruin it for you!  EVERYBODY seems to be obsessed with Olivia Pope, Fitz and the Gladiators, even calling themselves by the coveted name.  Scandal has become NORMAL.  And, subconsciously, it turned me off.  Because I don't do....NORMAL. 

bite of the day ~  I hope I can watch Scandal again.  But if I never have the desire, I won't force it. When you finally submit to your TRUE SELF, you will embrace standing apart from The Crowd and just BE-ING YOU. 

thirtiesgirl

What If...

The other day I ran into a family friend at an event.  A friend who I usually just joke and talk trash with when we are in each other's presence.  He told me he wanted to share something with me before we left.  Of course, after the event he tried.

 "I've always wanted to tell you...well, I've never gotten the chance to tell you...."

Before he could get it out, a group congregated around us and the moment passed.  We exchanged looks as I shrugged my shoulders.  "Just call me later." I mouthed.  A couple of days later, he did. 

The Words...specific, reflective, encouraging, extremely complimentary....and surprising, but in a beautiful way.  No ulterior motives he said, but have always wanted to tell me his thoughts...about me. Whether his last statement is true or not, his taking the time (and courage) to do something that I'm sure was uncomfortable for him touched me.

As an actor, an exercise I do in order to pull up different emotions is stand in the mirror and think about different "WHAT IF" scenarios.  If I must cry, all I have to do is think of something happening to anyone I love.  Sometimes, if I really need to go there, I purposely think of someone who is currently living, like my parents or siblings, dying.  I allow myself to believe that it's real.  That's enough to send me into a bonafide tizzy.

Lately, I've been applying this WHAT IF exercise to life in general.  WHAT IF this person who I am furious with at this moment suddenly croaked, how would I feel?  Would what they did to piss me off even matter anymore?  WHAT IF my mother, who works my nerve occasionally (and vice versa lol)...what if something happened to her...an accident, sickness or sudden death....would these small irritations matter in the least?  Would I be sure that she knew how I feel about her, how much she matters in my life?  I wouldn't be sure if I never expressed it.

I have in particular been using the WHAT IF when it comes to dealing with men these days.  I am very much a woman who believes that the man is supposed to pursue the woman..in fact, because of some past experiences, I'm now adamant about it. On top of that, I usually cover nerves & shyness with sass & a smart mouth. IJS.  To balance, I force myself to think...WHAT IF I never reach out to this man at those moments when I REALLY want to, simply because I'm tallying up who texted or called the other last.  WHAT IF something happens to him and I didn't take the opportunity out of fear of rejection or hurt or just issues..to let him know how awesome I think he is or that he simply puts a smile on my face?  

What if I go through this life without ever giving this gift that has been given to me over and over again to others?

bite of the day ~ Reach out to someone who you've never told (or who you don't tell often enough)...how special they are to you TODAY. With no expectations of their response.  A relative. A friend.  A prospective more-than-friend.  You don't know what it will do for them.  I know what it will do for you.  FREEDOM...and relief.  Selah.

thirtiesgirl

let go...

On New Year's Day, I cleaned out my refrigerator.  Now for the less than handful who have had the pleasure of  digging in my frig, they are now doing the Baptist two-step & leg kick dance.  "Praise da lawd!" lol

Don't get me wrong...I'm not "nasty".  I just, with good intentions, hold on to stuff too long.  And in this case, that can result in a couple of "surprises" buried...in the back....behind my father's bottle of beer that he couldn't finish during his SUMMER visit.  Sigh.  Yeah.  It's a problem.  I didn't know beer expired.  I don't drink the stuff...but I digress.

So the trash bags were filling up, garbage disposal was going, soapy dish water was working it....and in the middle of dumping some old Thai food...I just felt......disgusted with myself.  

"Why the hell do you do this???" 

"Is it the starving children in Africa? Or in the hood?"

"Feel guilty for the waste?  Food....money???"

"WHAT IS IT???" 

In that moment, a knowing that had been creeping up on me for weeks hit me square in the chest.  It was about much more than moldy mac & cheese and year old salad dressing.  See, I'm not "nasty" but I HAD a problem....a problem with letting go. 

I would allow something or someone or some thought or some feeling to take up space in the refrigerator of my life...even when it was no longer good....for me.  As a matter of fact, it would be so past expiration that it was dangerous...poison to my system if I dared to digest it just ONE.....MORE....TIME.  Holding on....to stuff and people and things and mindsets....wayyyy past their shelf life....thinking I can still work with it, can still get it right, can still get something good from it....I can still still still.  NO!!!

Are you judging me?  Nah...surely not.  You may need to go check YOUR "frig".  Or perhaps it's your closet or that digital black book in your cell phone.  Maybe it's that FaceBook "friends" list?  Or maybe you need to roll over and check who you laying next to.  It could even be that negative stank attitude or bad self image or abusive childhood.  I don't know but whatever it is....if it's POISONOUS....

LET IT GO.

And make room for the FRESH and NEW.

Selah.

bite of the day ~ It's 2014.  Time to clean "house".

thirtiesgirl

That Type of Girl...

You see him.  He sees you.  There's something different...electric in the air.  You connect.  You're feelin' him.  He's feelin' you.  The connection is interesting, refreshing...fast heartbeat exciting...in a laid back comfy kind of way.  It comes out pretty early what type of girl you are...that waiting type.  That drawers up-skirts down-take her home to mama-ain't no play thing-type.  A cool breeze blows through suddenly.  And slowly but surely, fadeeeeeee to black.....once again.

"Babes...I couldn't live up to your standards!"

I was in college when my father spoke these words to me.  I had just, through a waterfall of tears, shared with him how increasingly difficult it was becoming to hold on to my virginity while dating my then boyfriend who I was crazy/mad/stupid in love with.  I was complaining about the pressure that not only my own curiosity and love was applying to my vow...but the pressure he was applying as well.  Intense. At the time, being in typical man mode himself, my father didn't want me to disrupt my good relationship in this fit of emotion when my man was just "being normal".  

Fast forward quite a few years and I find myself in single again mode after an unraveled marriage...and fighting to hold on to the goodies once again.  A conversation with a good guy friend of mine earlier today reminded me of why I was not too happy to be "un-settled".  Weeding through the toads.  Sigh.  Ok...well, maybe some of them are not toads. Nevertheless, those "standards" that my father referred to long ago are still in FULL effect.  And SOME guys...most that I've run into thus far have an even lower tolerance for said standards than they did 10 years ago.  Namely because we are even deeper in the age of aggressive women who chase men....especially those that have even a little bit going for themselves....these females are willing to drop the panties on command.  And the brothers KNOW IT.  It takes a...certain type of man to be celibate and hold on to HIS goodies in today's society.  But that's exactly the type of man who would SEE a woman like me and not feel...challenged....but GRATEFUL. 

"Continue to be who you are.  Dudes run because they ain't getting the cookie til marriage.  Men wanna test drive." 

....said my good guy friend....in the same breath he admitted not knowing really any single guys (outside of his Mosque) that even claimed to be celibate.

I am a strong girl...but sometimes I feel like......an alien chillin' on a planet all by myself...waiting for my equal to finally land in my world.  Selah.

bite of the day ~ It takes courage to be different.  It takes perseverance to stick with your own convictions...even when it looks like it's getting you no where fast.  Hold on.  The sun will rise again....just for you.

thirtiesgirl

The Best Man Holiday...mai review

When I first heard Malcolm Lee was doing a sequel to what is in my opinion a Black Classic, 1999's The Best Man, I was....nervous.  I mean, sequels can be great...or they can also go terribly wrong. For films like this, I say if it ain't broke DON'T DO A SEQUEL! That goes for tv shows and books too....I was SOOOOO disappointed with the sequel to Terry McMillan's novel Waiting to Exhale...words cannot describe!  But I digress.

When I saw the first marketing pieces for the film, excitement and curiosity!  

Who wouldn't want to know what happened to some of their favorite characters?  Plus,  I LOVE seeing beautiful black folks on the big screen...and everyone is aging extremely WELL.  Morris with his chocolate deliciousness...WHEW!

STILL got it. I'm just sayin'. :-) And the ladies, Monica Sanaa Regina Nia Melissa,  who covered Ebony mag last month are an inspiration to say the least.

As for the film itself,.I expected....more? Especially after all the raving and butt licking on Facebook.  If I had to compare it to the first film, The Best Man had a build up of conflict and tension with the whole not-so-secret book/cheat reveal situation that just was NOT topped in the sequel.  Keeping the book and it's contents from Lance...the anticipation of him finding out the truth about his best man and soon-to-be wife...and then the satisfaction of the climax when he literally beat the bricks off Taye Diggs' character...I mean, c'mon!  Big shoes to fill.

Where BM Holiday was weak on tension/conflict building, it was heavy on tear jerking drama.  I admit, I was snotting a few times. There were plenty of touching moments...and I did appreciate that they showed different sides of the characters' personalities...even irritating shallow Shelby was shown in a different light before it was all said and done.  

I will say, the sequel LOOKED classier as far as setting etc, but the language was a lot more crass.  They seemed obsessed with the words d**k & pu**y & mother f**ka...I mean, really?  Trust me.  I'm no prude but when something jumps out at me during a film and it's adding no value at all, that's an issue.  The first one wasn't rated PG either...(remember the card scene...talk about tension!) but everything seemed...real.  Not just in there trying to be funny...and I do emphasize TRYING. Sigh. 

bite of the day - Overall, I'm still a superfan of the original Best Man....and was just glad to see these characters again in the second. Acting was superb as expected. Plus I got a good cry out so that counts for something. :-)

thirtiesgirl

SEX-y Songs...

I love music.  Good music. All genres...all types.  Right now I'm addicted to Spotify having abandoned Pandora with its commercials for my premium subscription last summer.  So tonight, I was in the mood for some NE circa '96 (i.e. New Edition).  So I'm rocking while I work.  Then I see one of those "If you like this artist, try this artist" messages.  I click on The MANuel by Q Parker of R&B group 112 fame.  I'm feeling it.  Smooth....talking about love.  Good stuff.  I'm rockin'....all the way to my bathroom break.  As soon as I sit on the porcelain throne, a new song comes on.  Smooth... bass heavy.  Then it happens.

Breathing.  A woman moaning.  A man...namely Q asking "those questions" in "that voice".  

"Oh no."  

A familiar jump in the pit of my stomach....and below.  I couldn't get up (wipe and wash) fast enough. Frantic!  Too late.  The ultra-sexy interlude had already entered my atmosphere. Almost felt like the first time I heard "Darling Nikki" by Prince. 

Sigh.

From an early age I was trained and trained myself to listen to LYRICS so I could monitor what I was letting in my head and heart.  And for someone like me with a VIBRANT, VIVID, CREATIVE imagination...um, I MUST WATCH IT.  I remember when I was single before I couldn't listen to certain songs simply because they took me off my square...like seriously "Love Scene" by Joe was BANISHED from the playlist.  Almost cost me the goods on more than one occasion....goods I was determined to hold on to until I walked down the aisle.  Of course, after I was married....SWEET FREEDOM!  Bring on all the JOE, PRINCE and sex-y music in the universe!

Now that I'm single again, I gotta watch it cause the goods are back on lock down...and I intend to keep them that way until HE comes along and puts a ring on it.  In the meantime, lawd Jesus....keep me near the cross!

Cold + Shower = ME.  Sigh.

bite of the day ~ Ummm...real talk...No words.  Pray for a sista. LOL


thirtiesgirl

The WHY?

Last week I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine who is an entrepreneur and very much into having a positive impact on others' lives and the community through her work. Not unlike myself.  We talked about getting back to "The Why?" Why did you start...whatever you started?  Whether it's a business, a relationship, a diet...a blog.  What was your motivation?  Sometimes, THE WHY gets lost in the shuffle of "the process"...the challenges.  Whether digging deep or climbing high....you have to start somewhere.  And remembering not only WHERE you started, but WHY you started can help with staying focused...and provide motivation during the, inevitable, challenging times.

My mother and I officially started our arts nonprofit, The Anointed Harvesters, back in 2003...after leading the drama ministry at our church for years.  Our motivation?  Expanding beyond the walls of the church...and for me as a writer, more creative freedom.  Expanding meant moving beyond the limitations of stage into film. Packaging positive messages and images that could literally go around the world without us leaving our doorsteps...or dealing with some uncommitted actors not showing up to rehearsals or learning their lines. "It don't take all of that!" Um...YES it does.  Out with you! LOL

empower. inspire. uplift.  

So we set out to learn the film business...every aspect and angle.  What we found were a lot of closed doors and unwillingness to share the knowledge. Wow...Shocker!  Fortunately, a closed door only makes women like us put on steel boots.

"YOU don't tell ME what I can't do..."  

So, we decided not only would we make opportunities for ourselves, but anyone who had the basic SKILLS and DESIRE to be a viable part of the entertainment industry, but had not been given the opportunity to gain the experience. Enter the birth of our Shadow Training & Internship Program. Quality NOT Quantity is one of our mottos. 

Over the years, we've had our share of challenges, sacrifice, sabotage, hate and other unmentionables.  But we've also seen so many people touched, inspired, changed and assisted due to our work.  We've realized how so many people simply have not found the strength to pursue their dreams, whatever they may be...no courage to pursue their slice of the fulfilled-life pie.  Passion.  Purpose.  In this damp dark world, we can, should and are A Light that draws.  It is a humbling and sometimes, daunting assignment but we LOVE this stuff.  And we are loved...and supported.  So we continue on...  

Join us this Friday and Be Inspired. 

www.theanointedharvesters.org/buy 

  

bite of the day - Strap on those steel boots and START KICKING!  Selah.

thirtiesgirl