these eyes...

It was 7th grade....12 years old.  That was the first time I realized I couldn't see.  Squinting.  Straining.  Blurry vision.  Trying to see the teacher's notes projecting on the wall via transparency and the Sharpie black marker.  That was actually how I met one of my best friends for life...copying notes off the nice freckle-faced yellow girl who sat near me in every class we had together, since we happened to share the same last name. That's what brought me and Aneatra together.  Those notes of hers were a huge reason I was able to maintain my solid A-B average....that's my girl to this day.  Hope she still has 20-20.

I avoided telling my parents for years.  Instead I went through junior high and most of high school without being able to see.  I survived somehow by speaking to anyone who waved in my direction (didn't want to be deemed rude and get jumped after school...or worse, talked about real bad)...and sharing notes.  But that wouldn't fly in college.  I had to break down and wear glasses, which I only did in class.  I took my chances everywhere else, until I got contact lenses.

Vanity.  Pure vanity...along with insecurity caused me to neglect my eyes for years.  Maybe if I had sounded the alarm early on, my vision would have been corrected long ago.   Or maybe they should have MANDATORY eye exams in schools.  Just a thought.  Sigh. 

Yesterday, I went in for my annual eye exam...late since I should have gone in May.  I ABHOR going to any type of doctor.  I don't like to be poked at and prodded.  And it always feels so cold.  The eye doctor experience isn't that bad in itself (at least you keep your clothes on...and legs or mouth are not spread eagle!)....but I dread it for another reason.  Glasses.  Contacts.  These are band-aids.  Illusions of good vision.  But as soon as I take one off, the other MUST be put on, unless I'm going to sleep.  I ABHOR being dependent...on anything.  And I am.  At 37, I am completely dependent on something outside of myself just to see properly.  And my annual eye exam continues to highlight that fact. 

"We have a slight change of vision...," she pleasantly said.  For years, I've had the same prescription in both eyes.  Now she says one eye is slightly weaker than the other.  Is that what the twitching is about?  (No, that's lack of sleep and stress she confirms.)  When I asked what I can do to improve my vision, something I've asked previously....there is no definitive answer.  No hope.  No attempt at hope.  Not even "eat your carrots" hope! 

I stare at her through blurred eyes, not because I'm not wearing my tinted black square glasses this day, but because she's dropped some disgusting yellow goop into them to check for disease.  She murmurs something about enjoying them while we can..."that's the best we can do".  SERIOUSLY!?!  No.  I'm only 37 and you say enjoy my eyes while I can???  That's the best hope you can offer?  Wow.  I "see", I have to take matters into my own hands.  Where's the herbs??  Eye exercises??? I'm not going "lights out" without a fight! sigh.

bite of the day ~ Your overall health, ultimately, is your responsibility.  Take action...while you can.

thirtiesgirl

a new leaf....

I am NOT a morning person.  Not that I sleep all day when I'm not working....but I like to wake up naturally. (Who doesn't???) I don't bound out of bed at 4:30am to workout or pray or...to do anything.  As a matter of fact, I don't bound out of bed unless I've overslept (which rarely happens).  There was a time I didn't even talk in the morning.  Not because anything was wrong.  I'm just NOT a morning person.

However, I've finally accepted something that I've subconsciously been avoiding.  MOST HIGHLY PRODUCTIVE PEOPLE ARE MORNING PEOPLE.  Most successful people are morning people.  Most people that accomplish great things get up EARLY in order to "attack the day". 

I received some of the best advice of my life on my birthday when I had dinner with my "bonus" father...he said "You have to write EVERY day.  I don't care if it's 5 minutes.  Write something every day.  Get up early and start your day off writing.  Trust me, you will feel so good about the rest of your day knowing that you've already accomplished something for yourself."  I needed that.

And so I've decided to turn over a new leaf.  I am now a morning person.  I set a new alarm time and have committed to only hitting snooze once....as opposed to 3 times.  I MUST write.  And I must do it early...because these days, I have little energy to do it later.  Perhaps my creative juices will begin flowing so much that what I begin in the morning will call to me the rest of the day until I can't wait to get back to it...the script, the short story, the novel, the article....the blog post.  I now realize that in order to see the greatness in me come out on a greater level, I must CHANGE.  I have to do something different if what I am doing is not working.  I must take action instead of simply talking and dreaming.  Actually, I stopped a lot of the dream talking awhile ago.  It was getting irritating.  I can't even stand other people doing it these days...just talking.  Do something about manifesting your dreams instead of just talking about them all the time!  Or else SHUT UP!  Because it gets old.  Seriously. Sigh.

The alarm went off at 6am this morning.  And yes, that is early for me.  I hit snooze only once but made sure not to fall back to sleep.  This is my baby step to the next level of my life.  I'm investing in MYSELF.  And it's all good for me....and you too.  You'll see.  (BIG SMILE)

bite of the day ~ The early bird really does get the worm.  Become the early bird.

thirtiesgirl

my own personal New Year's Day (resolutions included)...

Dear Big Daddy in my heart....

Thank You.

Today I am a young, vibrant 37 year old girl-n-woman.  I alone hold the key to my personal happiness...because You gave it to me.  I choose to love, even when it hurts....but I also choose not to LET love hurt.  (That was last year's story....and the year before that...and the year before that....and the....well...)  This year, I stretch my arms and my heart to receive all the good life has to give.  Good food. (smile)  Good experiences.  Good people.  Good LOVE. (BIG smile)

I embrace all that I am...all that I desire to be...all that I will be.  This year, I will be truly good...to ME.  And now, We begin.  C'mon God.

bite of the day ~ Grow old-er...and wiser.  Cheers. :-)

thirtiesgirl

Pastor Zach Tims Death



I received a call from my best friend yesterday to tell me that Zachery Tims was dead.  She thought of me, for reasons she knows, when she heard the news and the circumstances surrounding it.  I was not an avid follower of Pastor Tims.  I had come across his broadcast a few years back and was immediately intrigued by this young pastor who reminded me of Will Smith.  So very cute.  And his wife too.  Well, up until yesterday, I didn't know she was no longer his wife.  Fifteen years of marriage gone up in smoke after chasing...or tasting...some stank Parisian t-ass.  Booty.  Whateva.  Sigh.  I apologize.  That fact pissed me off.  But more so, it saddened me.  Because I believe, with the little bit of information I have, that God's grace was in full effect when that particular scandal broke in Pastor Tim's life.  Another crossroads.  It was a chance to turn around and make better decisions.  Right choices.  I feel in my gut that he would still be alive today if he had still been married to Riva Tims and more importantly, truly repentant in turning away from whatever double life he was apparently leading.   I mean, "men's club" !?!  No business there in the first place.  sigh. 

Don't get me wrong.  I am not condemning Pastor Zach....nor am I angry with him.  I am saddened that this bright light has been, not only extinguished, too soon and in this manner....but that his very legacy is being tarnished.  A white powder substance found in his pocket!?!   Isn't the MEMORY (i.e. how the world remembers) the righteous supposed to be blessed?  I don't believe that verse is just talking about being able to recall things with our minds.    

I pray to God that there IS some foul play.  I really do.  Some set-up...some deranged person from his past or present that caused his death and covered it up to look like he was a preacher gone BACK to bad....or perhaps never truly left it.  I pray to God this is not as it appears.

At the end of the day, we all have to WAKE UP.  The world is getting darker and even the very elite of the "righteous" crew can be snuffed out if one ventures too close to the line.  The line being playing with fire....teaching or saying one thing and living another...not being honest about where we are in our walk and our struggles.  Cause we ALL have them.  The problem is when we act like we don't.  With God's help, we CAN overcome it all.  But we have to start with being open and honest...and not wait til we get "busted" to get help. At that point, it may be too late. sigh.  

R.I.P.  Zachery Tims.  Only God truly can judge you...cause we all jacked up without Him. Selah.

bite of the day ~ let's take the masks off, people...cause what's done in the dark WILL come to the light, one way or the other. 

thirtiesgirl

death & life

Two days ago, as I walked down the serene tree-lined street that is my block, I saw a dead rabbit.  A dead BUNNY RABBIT.  I was appalled and sad all at once.  I wanted to turn away....regretting that I was that observant on that particular day. But I had to take just one good look.  Maybe to confirm it was actually dead...or maybe I am just curious about what "death" looks like.  I've seen dead bodies before.  In hospital beds, in caskets...too many funerals to count...but to see a fresh kill.  Before the cleaning up, the fixing up...the pretty-ing up.  Before the blood has turned cold and black. 

This cute little bunny had been crushed...almost split in two by...something.  It's little back paws dangled lifelessly in the street while his head lay on the curb.  In a flash, my analytical mind went to work.  Did he know today would be the day?  The day his speedy dash across a semi-busy street would be the "death" of him?  Did he go instantly...before he knew what hit him?  Or did he feel the last of life leave his little body?

I continued home with a million thoughts running through my mind.  It's amazing how when you pay attention how many lessons you can learn...how many emotions you can have....reactions to what seems like the simplest things.  Roadkill.  The Circle of Life.  An unending cycle.  I've never taken death too well.  It is....abnormal...to me.  To be separated from those you love, even if you know they have made their way into heaven.  The weirdest thing is when someone is killed suddenly.  Upon hearing the news, a common reaction is "But I just saw him!?!  "I just saw her yesterday!"  As if that fact should make a difference.  Shock and disbelief causes all of us to bask in the nonsensical....all the while trying to make sense of the tragedy.  And it is.  Even if the person is in their nineties, like my great-grandmother.  The tragedy of "getting sick" and dying.  That is abnormal....yet normal for us in this society.

Mr. Dead Bunny made me once again acknowledge how much each day is a blessing.  Not to be taken for granted.  Bask in the moment.  In the embrace of a loved one.  In the laugh of a good friend...or enemy.  I am determined to take everything in.  I want to feel life in truth...simply because I can.  Amy Winehouse canNOT any longer. Neither can Bubba.  But I CAN.  And I will one moment at a time.

Yesterday, as I made my way up the same block and onto another....I threw my head back and ate as much air as my lungs would allow.  When I exhaled and concentrated my gaze into my future....across a manicured lawn and into the greenery went a rabbit.  A BUNNY RABBIT!  A living and breathing bunny rabbit!  I smiled...holding back an all out belly laugh and said to the stranger walking by me "Did you see that rabbit!?!"  She didn't respond.  Probably couldn't hear me beyond the blasting earphones plugged in.  Or maybe she just thought I was a crazy.  "You missed it...", I thought. An  unending cycle.  Wow.  I guess life really does go on.  Selah.


bite of the day ~  Live.

thirtiesgirl

prejudice

She said, "He's a punk...I mean he has other people out doing his dirty work and he's holed up in a mansion somewhere..."

The Other She said, "well he grew up rich...THEY don't spend THEIR money on clothes...that's for sure..."

Then She said, "...or razors....or deodorant...."

As nice as both of them seem to be....they are obviously clueless that their conversation crossed a very fine line...in my humble opinion.  Subtle "Justified" prejudice. 

I cringed....trying to recall my earlier comments about Osama Bin Laden's capture, killing & apparent burial in a watery grave.  Had I said (or thought) anything...cringy!?!  I quickly did a self-check...evaluating my words.  My comments reflected the need for proof that the government wasn't lying...that Bin Laden actually is dead...because the "buried at sea" thing is a bit suspect to me.  However, the conversation of my co-workers (who happen to be caucasian and will remain unnamed) went beyond talking about Public Enemy #1 i.e. ONE man who did horrible things...into revealing some prejudice toward a GROUP of people...most of whom are NOT terrorists.  Talking about facial hair and body odor?  C'mon!  That was NOT just addressing Bin Laden.  Mind you, there are three new consultants on the other side of the wall from me, who happen to be of Middle Eastern descent based on their olive skin, dark shiny hair...of course, the most telling clues are the name plates perched on the edge of each of their desks.  They surely heard the conversation.  Sigh. 

Americans have a deep history of arrogance hatred and brutality...especially when WE and/or our way of life is being threatened.  Little things like The Civil War...and slavery...and Jim Crow...and lynching come to mind.... 

The killing of osama bin laden has once again brought to the surface renewed venom for not only him, but the terrorist attacks of 9/11/2001...and by default, prejudice toward people unlike ourselves.  When we go beyond being "satisfied" that justice apparently has been served into making blanket statements about a group of people....we see just what is in our hearts.  It's NOT ok.

I'm still debating a sidebar confrontation....sigh.

bite of the day ~ Prejudice is UGLY.  Check yourself.

thirtiesgirl

making happy

The tree tops are swaying....tiny leaves starting to burst forth.  I stare out of one of the many windows in this place....looking to God's nature for solace...a sign?  Of what?  I don't know. It's a cloudy rainy windy Spring day and I've been posted up in the apartment for all of it.  Reading, praying, soaking in a hot bubbly African oily bath....listening to my Ipod. Some old Brian McKnight is playing now.  I can't describe how I feel at this moment except to say I'm "making happy".  I'm choosing to.  I make happy when I don't actually FEEL happy.... 

These days I find myself looking at the date, whether on the large electronic sign on the train platform, on my ride's digital dashboard...or on my tiny cell phone screen.....I see the date and it always feels like there's some significance.  Always feels like I'm waiting for something to happen....for some realization to hit.  For some memory to surface that will satisfy that feeling.  It never really comes.  But somewhere deep inside, I feel like I'm on the verge of....something.  And the days keep going by with that lingering feeling chained to my neck.

What I am coming to understand is I have to "make happy"....cause it won't happen by osmosis.  A happy excellent wonderful fulfilling life will NOT happen automatically for anyone.  I have to leave fear behind, take courage and embrace change....embrace, not the future, but the moments I'm living right now.  I have to decide what makes me happy, which sounds simple.  Maybe for some it is.  For me, it's been a challenge to organically decide, not only what makes me happy, but WHAT I WANT.  Not what others want.  Not what I THINK others want from me.  Not what's expected.  But what is in my heart.

I no longer want to be swayed by others (including society) and their actions when it comes to my value, my worth....my life.  I will be what I want to be.  My prayer is that my wants line up with what God wants.   No.  Correction: I will be what I AM.  And I will embrace those who are supposed to be in my world....the one that I've made happy.  All others, I have to let go.....

bite of the day ~ Choose to make your life happy, regardless of persons, places (where you find yourself) or things (haves or have nots).

thirtiesgirl