death & life

Two days ago, as I walked down the serene tree-lined street that is my block, I saw a dead rabbit.  A dead BUNNY RABBIT.  I was appalled and sad all at once.  I wanted to turn away....regretting that I was that observant on that particular day. But I had to take just one good look.  Maybe to confirm it was actually dead...or maybe I am just curious about what "death" looks like.  I've seen dead bodies before.  In hospital beds, in caskets...too many funerals to count...but to see a fresh kill.  Before the cleaning up, the fixing up...the pretty-ing up.  Before the blood has turned cold and black. 

This cute little bunny had been crushed...almost split in two by...something.  It's little back paws dangled lifelessly in the street while his head lay on the curb.  In a flash, my analytical mind went to work.  Did he know today would be the day?  The day his speedy dash across a semi-busy street would be the "death" of him?  Did he go instantly...before he knew what hit him?  Or did he feel the last of life leave his little body?

I continued home with a million thoughts running through my mind.  It's amazing how when you pay attention how many lessons you can learn...how many emotions you can have....reactions to what seems like the simplest things.  Roadkill.  The Circle of Life.  An unending cycle.  I've never taken death too well.  It is....abnormal...to me.  To be separated from those you love, even if you know they have made their way into heaven.  The weirdest thing is when someone is killed suddenly.  Upon hearing the news, a common reaction is "But I just saw him!?!  "I just saw her yesterday!"  As if that fact should make a difference.  Shock and disbelief causes all of us to bask in the nonsensical....all the while trying to make sense of the tragedy.  And it is.  Even if the person is in their nineties, like my great-grandmother.  The tragedy of "getting sick" and dying.  That is abnormal....yet normal for us in this society.

Mr. Dead Bunny made me once again acknowledge how much each day is a blessing.  Not to be taken for granted.  Bask in the moment.  In the embrace of a loved one.  In the laugh of a good friend...or enemy.  I am determined to take everything in.  I want to feel life in truth...simply because I can.  Amy Winehouse canNOT any longer. Neither can Bubba.  But I CAN.  And I will one moment at a time.

Yesterday, as I made my way up the same block and onto another....I threw my head back and ate as much air as my lungs would allow.  When I exhaled and concentrated my gaze into my future....across a manicured lawn and into the greenery went a rabbit.  A BUNNY RABBIT!  A living and breathing bunny rabbit!  I smiled...holding back an all out belly laugh and said to the stranger walking by me "Did you see that rabbit!?!"  She didn't respond.  Probably couldn't hear me beyond the blasting earphones plugged in.  Or maybe she just thought I was a crazy.  "You missed it...", I thought. An  unending cycle.  Wow.  I guess life really does go on.  Selah.


bite of the day ~  Live.

thirtiesgirl

prejudice

She said, "He's a punk...I mean he has other people out doing his dirty work and he's holed up in a mansion somewhere..."

The Other She said, "well he grew up rich...THEY don't spend THEIR money on clothes...that's for sure..."

Then She said, "...or razors....or deodorant...."

As nice as both of them seem to be....they are obviously clueless that their conversation crossed a very fine line...in my humble opinion.  Subtle "Justified" prejudice. 

I cringed....trying to recall my earlier comments about Osama Bin Laden's capture, killing & apparent burial in a watery grave.  Had I said (or thought) anything...cringy!?!  I quickly did a self-check...evaluating my words.  My comments reflected the need for proof that the government wasn't lying...that Bin Laden actually is dead...because the "buried at sea" thing is a bit suspect to me.  However, the conversation of my co-workers (who happen to be caucasian and will remain unnamed) went beyond talking about Public Enemy #1 i.e. ONE man who did horrible things...into revealing some prejudice toward a GROUP of people...most of whom are NOT terrorists.  Talking about facial hair and body odor?  C'mon!  That was NOT just addressing Bin Laden.  Mind you, there are three new consultants on the other side of the wall from me, who happen to be of Middle Eastern descent based on their olive skin, dark shiny hair...of course, the most telling clues are the name plates perched on the edge of each of their desks.  They surely heard the conversation.  Sigh. 

Americans have a deep history of arrogance hatred and brutality...especially when WE and/or our way of life is being threatened.  Little things like The Civil War...and slavery...and Jim Crow...and lynching come to mind.... 

The killing of osama bin laden has once again brought to the surface renewed venom for not only him, but the terrorist attacks of 9/11/2001...and by default, prejudice toward people unlike ourselves.  When we go beyond being "satisfied" that justice apparently has been served into making blanket statements about a group of people....we see just what is in our hearts.  It's NOT ok.

I'm still debating a sidebar confrontation....sigh.

bite of the day ~ Prejudice is UGLY.  Check yourself.

thirtiesgirl

making happy

The tree tops are swaying....tiny leaves starting to burst forth.  I stare out of one of the many windows in this place....looking to God's nature for solace...a sign?  Of what?  I don't know. It's a cloudy rainy windy Spring day and I've been posted up in the apartment for all of it.  Reading, praying, soaking in a hot bubbly African oily bath....listening to my Ipod. Some old Brian McKnight is playing now.  I can't describe how I feel at this moment except to say I'm "making happy".  I'm choosing to.  I make happy when I don't actually FEEL happy.... 

These days I find myself looking at the date, whether on the large electronic sign on the train platform, on my ride's digital dashboard...or on my tiny cell phone screen.....I see the date and it always feels like there's some significance.  Always feels like I'm waiting for something to happen....for some realization to hit.  For some memory to surface that will satisfy that feeling.  It never really comes.  But somewhere deep inside, I feel like I'm on the verge of....something.  And the days keep going by with that lingering feeling chained to my neck.

What I am coming to understand is I have to "make happy"....cause it won't happen by osmosis.  A happy excellent wonderful fulfilling life will NOT happen automatically for anyone.  I have to leave fear behind, take courage and embrace change....embrace, not the future, but the moments I'm living right now.  I have to decide what makes me happy, which sounds simple.  Maybe for some it is.  For me, it's been a challenge to organically decide, not only what makes me happy, but WHAT I WANT.  Not what others want.  Not what I THINK others want from me.  Not what's expected.  But what is in my heart.

I no longer want to be swayed by others (including society) and their actions when it comes to my value, my worth....my life.  I will be what I want to be.  My prayer is that my wants line up with what God wants.   No.  Correction: I will be what I AM.  And I will embrace those who are supposed to be in my world....the one that I've made happy.  All others, I have to let go.....

bite of the day ~ Choose to make your life happy, regardless of persons, places (where you find yourself) or things (haves or have nots).

thirtiesgirl

seasons change

J'adore Spring!  And this one, although not in full bloom, I am especially looking forward to.  I NEED this Spring.  I need the flowers to burst with color, the trees filled with leaves...I even need the misty showers...warm and wet.  I need the sun to beam down on me....thaw out my icy broken heart.  I am the sun.  I need to learn to shine my light in all seasons of my life. 

Because this winter here....it almost took all of my strength, my courage...my faith.  It almost strangled the hope and love and....life out of me.  It almost choked any possibility of dreams fulfilled and destinies reached.  It clawed and jabbed and stabbed and....marked me.  But then.....



I walked a brisk, determined walk to my apartment after work today.  Pulling myself into each step....rushing as usual.  Then I thought...it's SPRING.  A dawning came over me as I slowed my pace....observing the now familiar buildings, trees...bushes.  One that looked barren was starting to bud...little baby buds.  I almost missed it for the rush.  I exhaled.  Spring.  I need this.  I want this.  I smile, finally, in this.  My heart is on the mend and I sing inside. GLORY HALLELUJAH!

The winter of my life is over.  What's next?

thirtiesgirl

conversations with GOD

dear God:

it was 5 months ago today that i started ...officially started this part of my journey. alone but with courage and strength. ok, maybe the strength wasn't completely my own, nevertheless i drew from it...allowed it to cushion me from the blows of this life.  but it only lasted a short season. maybe that was Your plan.  i had not a clue.  all i know is when the helmet was removed...the body pads...the goggles....the all -weather timberland boots....the thick protective gloves...when all of that was removed, there i stood.  naked, with bloodied hands and feet....legs and arms black & blue...back open....eyes filled with glass tears. and i questioned YOU. screamed "WHERE ARE YOU GOD???"  You quietly answered "I AM".  but i could not hear You for the noise in my head, in my heart. never had i imagined that i would feel so low....uncertain. life, my life was NOT supposed to go like this.  i was the good girl that tried to do everything right.  always wanting to please, to not make mistakes, to be in favor.  i was the one confident in my future because i had done the "right" things.  yet, there i stood...bloodied...bruised & glassy-eyed.  i was hurt and angry and pissed. at You?  i'm still not sure, but i questioned if i wanted You anymore...if i wanted to be the good girl anymore.  what's the point if i end up here anyway?  that was until i finally quieted the screams enough to hear. i heard You.  i felt You again. "I AM".  the glass that had cut and clouded my eyes began to  fall out piece by PEACE.  the black and blue is beginning to give way to my caramel again.  the slices in my back are scabbing over.  HEALING.  yet i still won't exhale.  the journey  is really just beginning.  i am told i haven't  gotten to the hard part yet.  perhaps.  the difference will be i will  cushion myself with YOU.  YOU ARE MY STRENGTH.  selah.

bite of the day ~  Jesus carry me...cause i canNOT walk.

thirtiesgirl

change

It's amazing how quickly everything changes.  Feelings.  Thoughts.  Knowing.  Life.

This time last year, where was I?  Not here. Not. Here.  The walls echo with one voice these days.  Doesn't seem like that will change anytime soon.  Oh.  I remember...last year this time.  I was looking into Hump Year.  Year 7.  Wow.  How quickly things change.  No.  The real.  Things SEEM to change overnight.  Things SEEM to "just happen".  The sucker punches SEEM to come out of nowhere.  But ThE REAL?  The real is nothing happens overnight.  It bubbles under the surface for minutes and moments and days and weeks and...years.  Even 7 Years.  Nothing "just happens".  Happenings happen when choices are made.  Conscious.  Subconscious.  Smart.  Dumb. Quick. Thought-Out....CHOICES.  And those infamous sucker punches.  The kind that catch you off guard.  Maybe with your head turned....back exposed....ready for the end of an invisible yet piercingly sharp knife.  Exposed to the one you thought you could trust.  The one you chose to trust.  The one you loved.  The one you still love.  Yeah....those are the worst kind of sucker punches because they are strong enough to get through the wall that was built brick by brick with each word, look, choice.  Bad choice. sigh.

Bite of the Day ~ The only constant is change....so they say.  Pull your head out of the sand, so at least you can see it coming.

thirtiesgirl

...this is it....

....this is the hard part.  keeping your word...no matter what.  no matter what the other person does.....keeping your integrity.  no matter how much you long and want....no.  this is the hard part.  when you've been wronged and have every right to....do it.  when you've been wronged but you're the one feeling guilty....guilty for responding naturally.  but we are not supposed to be just natural....not just "mere men".  that's what they say.  but this is the hard part.  everything inside is screaming to be heard....to connect...to just....BE.  pull back when you want to run forward.  push away when you want to pull in.  love when you want to hate.  don't when you want to....do.  laugh when you want to cry.  shut up when you want to express.  think when you want to stop....thinking of consequence.  stay when you want to go?  or do you?  this is definitely the hard part.

i do the things that i ought not do...the things i ought, i don't. no fantasies.  only the real.  reality.  there it goes again.  that thought.  no.

bite of the day ~ i don't know about next lifetime....but maybe in somebody's, we'll get it right. love.

thirtiesgirl