just one of them days....

I'm taking an online empowerment class from an up and coming motivational speaker/life coach/author (Shanel Cooper Sykes)....Igniting Your G-Spot: 21 Days of Personal Fulfillment.  Um...get your mind right.  It's not quite how-to sessions on THAT KIND of personal fulfillment!  I'm sure the whole G-Spot thing....anyway!  It's really about giving and receiving all that God and life has to offer....and actively focusing on that through actions in the next 21 days.  Great concept, but I have to admit...I registered and logged on last night and tonight with lackluster enthusiasm.  It's not that I think the class is not going to be empowering and inspiring and all that it's designed to be. I've experienced her classes before, and it's all that and the pickle....or I wouldn't be wasting my TIME.  Trust.  I guess I feel a little...funky inside right now.  Which is why I'm forcing myself to take the class...regardless.

For the last couple of weeks, I've been in a bipolar-esque rollercoaster that only I can seem to see...at least I think so.  I can be completely content and grateful and positive one moment...and then the next, that nagging, haunting, dark feeling tries to ooze over me as I force a smile through it.  "Ride it out", I think to myself.  (I know I'm not the only one, right???)  Negative.  Irritated.  Frustrated.  FEELINGS.  Yes, of course I fight it.  I fight it by praying, talking to myself...out loud while walking down the street sometimes (yep, I'm sure they think I'm crazy)....I put on Winston, Dollar, Jakes, Copeland.....Franklin, Hammond, Haddon, Houghton.  This quiets the raging thoughts playing racketball in my head....for awhile.  Then the fight starts all over again.

And there's the others....thoughts and questions that wake me up in the night sometimes....

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?  

HOW ARE YOU GOING TO MOVE FORWARD?   

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE NOW!?! 

Pressure.  And it's not that I don't know my purpose, my gifts. I resolved that much with God in my twenties.  And it's not necessarily that I don't know WHAT to do (I guess..sigh.).  But HOW?  Time is moving so fast. Living for the weekend? No.  I don't want the weekends to come this quickly.  Slide your leg out the bed on Monday morning...by the time your foot hits the floor, it's Friday.

I need time!  I need time to do all the things that I want to do.  Time to be who I want to be.  I need time to create....time to clean...time to organize...time to connect...time to read...time to pray...time to study...time to just BE.  time Time TIME! sigh. 

Yet, the time I have, I find myself just trying to gather the strength to stay sane...and saved.  Some days it's easier than others.  I guess today is just one of those days when it's not.  Tomorrow is another chance...another chance to get it right.  God help me.  

bite of the day ~ make TIME your friend, then master it...conquer it.  cause while we're trotting, it's travelling at the speed of LIFE. Selah.

thirtiesgirl